The business of living

I have not written for over half a year and I have many good excuses and some ridiculous ones that all involve my life, mental health, growth, and failures. I shall not make a long list of them here. I shall instead tell of my life and it's recent developments and I think my absence from this world will be explained.

I was working toward something. I had a plan. I nearly always have a long term life plan and they usually always fail. When I was a young senior in High School it had something to do with traveling the world, saving orphans from evil warlords, and somehow managing to be brilliant at everything. I had no idea how I was going to get where I wanted to go, but I knew that I would get there eventually. A super-missionary badass was what I wanted to be (though at that time I wouldn't have used as colorful a description) and I had the most unwavering faith that I would someday be in Uganda, scooping up abandoned children with one burly (but feminine) arm while bringing horrid tyrants to justice with my other fist. This was my dream and as far as I was concerned would be my literal future, but if I have learned anything so far in this life it is that things never go as we plan. 

That dream faded into the background after I moved with my family eight months after I graduated. At the time I was excited and sad to go. I was ready for a change, ready for escape, but once the smoke cleared and the reality of it all set in I realized that I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I think that my world was so small before and my experiences so limited, I thought that even though I dreamed of new things my life would be relatively constant.

I took classes from CNM and then transferred to The Master's College and started taking online classes, all the time planning to eventually get to the physical college in California and major in biblical counseling, but somewhere in there the impracticality of coming from a middle class family, not dealing with money wisely, and $38,000 in tuition hit me over the head like a two-ton brick. I still took some more online classes, because it was least something to do, and I think at that time it was where the Lord wanted me. I started the first semester at TMC excited to delve into theology and excited to learn, but mostly I was excited to get where I was going. By the end of my second ten week semester of only two classes I was getting burnt out. I failed my biblical counseling final and scraped by on my Old Testament survey final, so I should have known better than to immediately go into another semester. Before I hit mid-terms, even with only one class, I was already burnt out (charred-and-toasty burnt out). My brain just shut down and I was done. I dropped out and was mentally exhausted.

That was five months ago and I still have no idea what I am doing next.

During all this I was also working part-time as a nanny, which was a wonderful learning experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I loved my kids and loved the family, but it was draining me as well. Plus, after Kayla and I moved out to live in my Grandmother's old house, our work schedules did not work out for sharing our car. So I quit a little over a month ago.

This is my life now. No job, no school, and new responsibilities like paying bills and buying groceries. 

My dwindling bank account and my sister/housemate/main household bread winner are telling me to find a job, and I have been looking, but so far the search has been a pattern of pouring through hundreds of strange and ambiguous craigslist job ads and other job listing sites, writing a very sad and sparse resume, trying to figure out the art of self-promotion, and watching lots of shows on Netflix. No, I do not have at least a year of retail experience; no I have never worked as a barista before, but guess what?! If you hired me I would! Also, I have a great personality, am a team player, am customer service minded, and am an excellent multi-tasker. Instead of telling them what I have done I want to tell them what I want: "I want to be able to pay my bills without smelling like food or children all the time." "I would like a job that will allow me to maintain my current level of sanity."

Other than going through a counseling class at my church, I am doing nothing concerning a life plan. Though it is driving me crazy not having a timeline I think it is ok for now. I mean, did I ever really know what I was doing?

In this in-between time I have been wrestling with God to give me a new plan, to tell me what in the world to do with my life, and this whole time (my entire life really) he has just been trying to give me more of himself. I have been pushing him away because my god was my plan.

In my counseling class I am learning that we all have something that drives us, something that we are looking toward for hope. My future hope has been the fulfillment of my own plans. That is not far enough or big enough. My plans have to die for the moment so I can learn how big they need to be. My future is sure: I will be like Christ in the end. Whole and perfect. My present is hopeful: I am being transformed and renewed day by day. A work in progress.

This is the business of living.