A beautiful(?) mess.

I had an awesome post a couple weeks ago, almost all the way written, complete with pictures and everything, and then it just vanished. I didn't have the heart to stay up and write it all over again. 

I haven't written as much as I had hoped. I've been busy doing, learning, and seeing so many things. The processing and sharing parts have always been the most difficult for me. 

But as I have been quite forced to slow down, it might be a good time for that. 

I'm sitting here in my cave (I've been in the basement for the last two months of my stay and my inner hermit loves it. So when I say the word "cave," I say it with fondness.) with my third giant mug of tea for the day. Norma and I both caught a nasty cold bug in the last half of our time in England, so I am fighting it off with rest, tea, and an overwhelmingly fragrant amount of hippy juice. (I'm a bit of an essential oil freak. Still a bit of a novice, but I'm getting there.) If I could smell right now, I could tell you that my room is a fantastic mixture of clove, cinnamon, lemon, eucalyptus, and peppermint. It's fantastic. 

So sickness, plus probably shin splints and maybe a pulled tendon in my left leg and a pulled tendon in my right foot is what has made me finally chill out a bit. (I think I need to start paying attention to my limits a bit more.) 

I have learned so much about art, God, myself, and just about life in my time here. It has felt like information through a firehose and I have been desperately trying to keep up with it. In the last couple of weeks though, I became really sluggish and withdrawn. My heart wasn't in the painting or in doing anything really, and I felt like my brain was shutting down. Too much to handle. Too much to process. 

I feel like, for the first time, I have really discovered what I am meant for; what I am supposed to "do when I grow up." Anytime someone would ask me, I would say something with art or music, but I don't really know what. But behind the answer would be a sinking feeling that I would never really accomplish that, because I'm not smart or talented enough to actually do anything with it. 

Now I know that it takes perseverance. It takes pushing past incredible fear to learn and be humble. To walk through the stumbling stages where you may have the desire, passion, and talent; but you still have no idea what the hell you are doing and it takes hard work. Hard work that you can't skip over, because with whatever you are learning and want to become great at, you also have to become a person who can be responsible to wield that great talent. 

So many times (let's admit it, all the time) I want to take the easy road. "I want what I want and I want it right now." But no one wants to deal with a spoiled toddler who is good at everything. 

And I don't have to be good at everything. I am made to need people. 

I am terrible at reading maps. Seriously. It's not even funny. I can look at a map and think that I have it totally and logically figured out, but be going in the opposite direction. What is funny, it that I have a fantastic sense of direction as long as I don't look at a map at all. Whatever. 

I hate math. Hate it. Ask me to do anything beyond basic daily arithmetic and I will have to relearn it for the millionth time, and I will feel like I am dying the whole time. 

I really hate anything that makes me have to memorize tiny facts about tiny details and has sooooo many rules. 

Obviously, there are many things that I just have to learn, but I can be ok knowing that there are a plethora of people who are much much better at those things than I am. 

I have been a "right brain thinker" living in and trying to stuff myself into the mold of a left brained world.  I have been making myself feel guilty for not being like everyone else. And that's just silly. 

It's ok for me to be slightly (maybe an understatement) dramatic, and passionate; and to get really, really, really, really, really, excited about color and light and music. To be so moved by surrounding beauty and want to capture it and take part in the creating of it. 

I was moved to tears and was in complete rapture at seeing beautiful works of art in the Musee D'Orsay and the Louvre, seeing some of my hero's artistical journeys, and being amazed at how they were all constantly learning and changing and growing. 

So many times I have hit a road block and thought, "well, that's it, I'm done, I have failed," and have become so caught up in that one thing that I ceased to live. 

This year as I turned the very old(ha!) age of 25, I dealt with so much less of the birthday melancholy that I usually have and realized that I am learning (slowly, with many reminders) to let go of my perfectionistic mentality and accept whatever is in the moment. 

I'm sure I could have accomplished much more by now, but I haven't. 

I can either mope about that or move on. And be better. 

I can let my mistakes inform my current decisions.

I have to change my behavior to get different results.  

I can hit road blocks and work though them with a balance of perseverance and work, and knowing my limitations and resting. 

I can stop beating my fists against a brick wall till I bleed and and then complain that my hands hurt. 

I'm pretty sure no one but my mom is still reading (hi mom!),  but I've still got more to verbally vomit. It's good for me, so no offense taken if you have had your fill of all the inner workings of Katina's brain. 

I've been working on living a healthier lifestyle and have lost a lot of weight over the past two years. It has been so great and I have discovered new hobbies and things to love; activities that I always said "I'll do x, or do this more when I've lost this much weight," but I've just been doing them and have had so much fun and have become more myself than ever: hiking, rock climbing, kickboxing, yoga, running, dancing…I just want to keep getting better at these things and add to the list. 

But I have had a hard time recently in focusing on the end goal: being healthy, instead of just getting results. I was so caught up in losing weight and getting stronger and faster at the beginning of my time here that I was pushing past my limits, running through injuries and making them worse and I wasn't eating enough. 

I lost almost 15 pounds in a little under a month and that is waaaay to fast for me. 

I was honestly becoming a bit anorexic, which is kind of hard for me to say. 

What am I afraid of? Like anyone, I want to be wanted and this (my weight), is the obstacle, so if I get rid of that it will solve my problems. Gah. So much misplaced hope. So much pride in my own achievements... And so much thankfulness for injuries that force me to rest and stop to realize what I am striving for. 

We are all works in progress are we not? Struggling to improve and achieve and impress and feeling alone while we do it, only to have the rug pulled out from under our feet and only then do we realize that the image we are working for might not be so important, and the masks we put on aren't quite so comfortable, or that the walls we put up aren't as protective as they are isolating. 

I am a stubborn, proud, insecure, fearful, sometimes careless, sometimes too cautious, creative, spirited, joyful, wild, introspective, adrenaline seeking, independent, innapropriate creature. 

We are unique. We all have strengths. We all have limitations. (I keep using that word. I shy away from saying "weakness." Ugh.)  We all have weaknesses. I have weaknesses. But what's great is that when I am weak, when I allow myself to be weak and vulnerable (gosh that's a scary word), Jesus shows himself to be my strength every time.  I am made to need him. I am made to need people. 

When I let go of all the striving, that is where I find rest. 

That has been one of the major lessons from this time…to abide in Him. The God who loves me.

When everything feels a bit out of control…so dark and unknown, I can rest in him knowing that whatever comes next, it will be out of his love for me. 

Knowing His love has been and will be my greatest adventure. 

I'm hanging onto that as my time here is coming to an end and I could very easily get caught up in the worrying about what I am going to do with this. There has to be purpose in it. I have found that this art thing is something I can do, something I love. I feel the weight of carrying on with it, to improve and grow and keep figuring it out, and not to waste any talent that I have been given. 

But just as coming out here was a step of faith for me, so is going home. I have learned so much, have been blessed to see so many amazing things. It has been a time of much hard work and some hardships, and a time of rest. The rest came because of drawing near to Christ. 

As I am continuing on, I feel I am walking (limping) out with my palms turned up and saying, "here's all I am and what I have, take it and use me for whatever you will!" 

Anyway…Sorry for all the disconnected ramblings…my brain feels like a jumbly-wumbly mess. 

I'm just trying to get some of it out so it's not spinning around so much. Plus, if my messy transparency can help anyone in the same jumbly state, then we're both the better for it. :) 

From a slightly-less-dizzy-but-still-sneezy-and-limpy

Katina

Getting lost is good for the soul

I should win an award for getting lost in foreign countries, I think. 

My sense of direction is very hit and miss and my confidence in it is definitely lessening. 

And it hurts my slight sense of feminist pride to admit that I am terrible at reading maps. Even when I have google maps and have a perfect connection, it shows me the way home and I STILL go the OPPOSITE direction. 

Oh well, you are only lost if you really care where you are, right? 

Ha. 

I had been running for exersize in the evening while we were at home (I didn't get any running in in Switzerland, but we walked up soooo many stairs, I think it's ok.) But the night we got back from Switzerland (about a week ago, I think) I ran and pushed myself pretty hard and pulled something in my left shin. That plus I aggravated an injury to my right foot that happened just before I left ABQ. The injuries have sent me to physical therapy for the time being and left me unable to run. I have tried to keep walking a bit, but my temporary doctor says that is not a great idea. 

I asked him what I could do and he said biking would be good, so Hans asked the neighbor if I could borrow a bike, which he graciously provided, and I set off this evening to get some much needed exercise. I had been making so much progress in my running, and the injuries were quite discouraging, but I am determined for nothing to keep me down. I had lost almost 10 pounds so far with the running, so I had to find something to keep me going! 

I found my way to the woods, almost 2 miles away, and I loudly set off into the forest...the neighbor, explained to me that the back brakes are having a bit of trouble, they are stuck next to the wheel and so they make a high pitched squeaking sound, which is fine, I am just really greatful for the bike, but I wasn't quite prepared for how loud it was. So even though I was announcing my coming and going to all the hikers who were seeking peaceful nature walks (sorry, with me there you didn't get it) and all the woodland creatures, I greatly enjoyed myself. 

                                  

I wasn't so sure of myself in the beginning. I haven't been on a bike in quite a while, but I got the hang of it. Even though I am very set on trying most adventuresome sports, I haven't been that intrigued by mountain biking, until after tonight when flying down gravel-pathed steep inclines at high speeds and having to brake fast and swerving to avoid imminent demise, I totally get it. 

Love it. Into it. Totally going to do it. 

                                 

                                  You try taking selfies while riding a bike. It's not easy. 

Not really sure where I am going with this, but there is really something about getting lost and being ok with it. 

I am learning to let go of so many things and being ok with whatever outcome. 

I am learning to enjoy the journey, not care what people think, and be overcome in rapture at the surrounding scenery. 

 

                                   

So my bike is screaming at everyone in a half mile radius...it's something to laugh about. 

So I'm lost in a foreign country...well it will just take me a little longer to find my way home. 

So I, in very Katina form, injured myself and can't keep running and walking to lose weight...I'm going to find something else I can do. And enjoy it.  

Everything has a lesson. Everything has a place and a purpose. There is a season for everything. 

I am learning to enjoy my sometimes loneliness to really figure out who I am and what I want, and more importantly, learn that The Lord is my closest companion. 

He always knows where I am.  He is always looking out for me. 

He is always teaching me and showing me his love for me.

In my getting lost, I got to see the sun gleaming though the dense, green forest; see a tiny deer bounding away at my ear-grating approach; and see The Lord provide a stranger who "just happened" to also be on a bike, who "just happened" to speak fantastic English, and "just happened" to be heading to the exact same town that I was, to lead me in surety on my way home. 

                                   

Getting lost can be a fantastic thing. 

I am enjoying this adventure. 

And Belgian beer after an around 15 mile ride is the most refreshing thing ever. 

                                      

                                                                 Cheers, friends! 

Goals(A late list of new year resolutions of sorts)

I know I'm late, but here are some things I've been thinking about for this year. :)

1. Be all here- I am always trying to plan two steps ahead. But I am realizing that most of the soul-changing, heart-growing, hard-but-more-like-Jesus-making things in my life have been completely unexpected. I will try to live fully each day and trust Him with my future. 

2. Persevere- I defeat myself before I even start something by believing lies that I will never be good enough. It is good to know my limits-I will probably never be Van Gogh, Beethoven, or an exceptional athlete. But I will try. And I will keep trying. I will not expect immediate perfection, but I will celebrate little victories. Pounds lost, projects completed, notes read more easily. These things are things to enjoy. And I will enjoy them. 

3. Thankfulness- Sunrises, the smell of coffee, my dog smiling, the way spinach wilts when I sauté it, dried flowers, long hikes. Family, friends, church. The Word-How the God who created me reveals himself to me. He wants me to know him and he knows me. My job-even when I want to stay at home because I'm sick. Sickness-there is something for me to learn even in this. Uncertainty-I run to the one who does know when I am wondering. Loneliness- It is a season that will pass. 

4. Love- I will love others, no matter who they are, no matter if it is easy to get along with them or not, no matter what we might disagree on. My irritation with someone usually reveals blemishes in my heart and my attitude. I will open my heart and let people in. I will not try to remain aloof, unattached, be robotic and unfeeling, to protect myself as I have in the past. Truth is-loving like Jesus requires giving of yourself, it requires being open, it requires vulnerability. I will not focus on only protecting myself. I will love like Jesus, love unconditionally, and I will let Jesus protect my heart for me. 

5. Humility- All these things that I am working on- that Jesus is working in me- are not things that I can achieve by myself. My Savior shapes me and molds me. I am his work of art. He is teaching me to surrender my pride. I will always need help, from others and from Him-especially when I don't want it the most. 

These things are good. They are exciting. Whatever happens in my life externally this year, I know that internally, things are stirring and moving, and I am changing and growing. 

So with my eyes working to fix themselves on Jesus, and my heart working to trust his goodness and faithfulness, and my mind ever seeking to know Him more; I will walk forward into this year with hope. 

Solitary Adventures-Learning to be Bold

For the first half of our time in Belgium our days off were a bit rough. Kayla and I both hated being by ourselves knowing that the other was having to work twice as hard and was most likely doubly exhausted. I wrote an entry on one of those days, but never finished it or posted it. 

I vented my frustrations as follows: 

"I, Katina Hembree am a lily-livered coward. It's true. I am freshly showered (which is becoming a less frequent thing), have clean hair (also less frequent), I have shaved my legs, and I could be getting ready to go out somewhere-put on make-up, dry my hair, the whole shebang- and instead I am sitting in the family room and blogging. I haven't gone anywhere significant on my days off so far. My first day I just walked around Genval and on one of my days off Kayla and I got to go to Bruxelles, but the last one I just crashed. (OK. I just went and counted my days off so far and this is only my fourth one, so I feel a bit less lame.)

Today I slept til 10:30 (can I just say, O blessed rest!) then Kayla roused me from the bed and we went for a walk/run. She first asked me if I wanted to go for a run, but I asked if we could call it a walk with a bit of running so I would be more apt to get my rear in gear and get ready. We were out for about an hour and went 5.7km, which is actually pretty good (for us) when you add the time it took for us to stop and stretch, decide which way to go, and stare at a map in Rixensart when we had no idea how to get back to Genval.

We got back and collapsed on the front step, then came in to see everyone with our sweaty, red faces. I had to put some clothes in the dryer to have something nice to wear today, so I did that. We talked with the ladies of the house for a bit, got to see Haven (yay!) before she went back out to catch a plane to Budapest. So by the time I ate lunch and stretched some more and talked with everyone it was near 3:00. I took a looooooong shower, got minimally ready and am now sitting on my butt in the family room, feeling a bit lame for not rushing myself to get ready and go out and have great adventures by myself.

I am having this problem with my days off that I look forward to having the day to do whatever I want, but by the time my day off rolls around I come up with a billion excuses as to why I shouldn't go anywhere. For instance, right now it is quite late to go to Bruxelles, I don't have any Euros and I can't remember my pin number to get cash, which means I would have to go to the ticket counter inside the train station instead of buying a ticket with cash on the train, which is something that I have done before; I am sore from this morning, I now have a headache, and I hate, hate, hate, going anywhere by myself-especially where I don't know anything and feel dumb and conspicuous.  All of these are ridiculous. I know that. I am in Belgium. I should have adventures even if I have to go by myself and just make myself have fun, right? Right.

I am the Queen of hermiting and hiding alone in my room, but please never ask me to go anywhere  out in the world by myself. All of the awkwardness I feel going out by myself at home is greatly amplified here because of the language barrier and all of the newness and not knowing how to deal with things here.

Is being a solitary wanderer an acquired skill?"

Now I am here to answer myself. 

Yes, yes it is. 

It was a couple weeks after that post, Kayla had her day off and got to go out with a friend and I was hoping to do the same on mine, but it just didn't work out. But that ended up being ok, because God had much to teach me. 

It was April 20th and I drew out the morning as usual, sleeping in and taking forever to get ready, but I just knew that I had to get out that day. I had a hard time with it at first. I really didn't want to be alone and my loneliness was overwhelming me. Before I left, I went and talked to Rebecca about it, she let me hug her and prayed for me. I bolted out of there so I wouldn't start crying. I was extremely apprehensive, but I knew the Lord was pushing me to go, so I went.  

This is how I was feeling on the walk to the train station.

The Lord really showed his care for me the whole day. In talking with Rebecca and her encouraging words, in Annie helping me to figure out where to go and finding a map and train schedules for me. In being late for the train, so I would be at the right place at the right time to meet another person who spoke English from Romania; and get to ride into Bruxelles with Haven, Ben, and the girl I met from Romania. Haven gave me her train card so I didn't have to buy a ticket and I got to use it on the way back as well. 

I went to Bruxelles and went to a shopping area and ducked into this church for a bit. 

It was very peaceful. I wandered around the interior praying and taking pictures, trying to gather myself and calm my anxiety. 

I remember being reminded of Psalm 118:6, "The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" and Psalm 27:1, "The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"

The longer I was out by myself, the more I had a growing awareness of His presence with me and my security in Him. 

I knew it was time for me to be bold and courageous, so I walked out the door.   

It started raining, which was comical, but I had bought a little umbrella after our first rain soaked outing, so I was not unprepared. I actually started enjoying it. 

I found some much needed new jeans, which made me very happy. 

I ended up just losing myself in the shopping as you can see from my spoils.

Had a delicious coffee

and then I just wandered around

This is me on my way back into Gare du Nord. Happy!

The Lord really blessed me with confidence in his presence and his care for me that day and it has really changed my outlook on solitary wandering and taught me to set aside my fear and look to the Father for strength. I can cast my burdens on Him, because He cares for me. 

That lesson on that day is just one of the many reasons I am forever changed from going to Belgium. It was one of the hardest things I have have done, but the blessings matched the hardships and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Being Loved

April 22
Ah, the rain. Love that sound. It has been raining quite a bit this past week and I have found myself enjoying it more than usual. I am sitting at the kitchen table enjoying the sound and the view of the rain in the garden and overhead as it hits the skylight and rolls down the roof. And I am so grateful. Grateful for how God is changing my heart. Grateful for how he has been answering prayers that I have been praying for the past year.

If you have read anything I have written here over the past couple of years, you would have noticed lots of turmoil, lots of doubt; struggles with depression, self-image, motivation, and anxiety; lots of fear and a lot of questioning. I have felt like Jacob wrestling with God, knowing that I have had wrong views about him, knowing that I have had some major issues-sometimes not caring, but wanting to want to care. I have waded through the slumps of dark, dark months where I saw no purpose to my life and felt I had no worth.  I knew that what I felt and how I was living and what I believed was the opposite of what it was supposed to be according to what I have grown up believing and what I know to be right and good and true. And because of that I heaped extra guilt and blame upon myself, "you know what to believe, but you can't even do that!" is what I told myself. But I could not change my own heart then and I am not doing it now. I saw all that was wrong with me and nothing that was right, but the Lord had a plan to change that.

 -----April 23 (It seems I can never finish a post in one setting these days.) The Lord has been doing a major overhaul on my heart here. Through the busyness, service, constant motion, and new situations He has revealed so much selfishness and doubt, so much self-reliance and pride. The Lord has been breaking me and strengthening me to accept His love and His delight in me.

Somewhere along the way, through my disappointments and my dwelling on them, there became a separation between what I knew to be true and what I accepted to be true in my life. I would say "Yes, I believe that God loves everyone, he is sovereign, and he is good," but I have realized this past year that I have not accepted those things to be true in my own life. I have thought that, yes, God is sovereign and controls everything, so if something I considered to be horrible happened to me I doubted God's love and care for me. His love applied to everyone but me. Because, really, how could anyone love this mess? I have seen myself as a failure of a 22 year old, who has accomplished nothing and will never succeed at anything, will never be loved, will never amount to anything but be a secretly (or not so secretly) depressed Christian who tries to put the right mask on for the right occasion and have the right answers to all the deep questions. I have lived as if I had already been defeated. But that is not the way my Father views me and He has shown that to me in amazing ways in these past seven weeks.

I think the first week we were here Rebecca said to me something like, "I think you are really hard on yourself" or, "you have a really bad view of yourself." She asked me, "Do you know God loves you?" and I really wouldn't know how to respond. I knew that I was supposed to know that He did, but I haven't felt like that in quite some time. As the weeks went by there were more and more things that pierced my heart.

Rebecca has been praying that I would see myself as He sees me and has encouraged me to do the same, to pray that I would "see as he sees." I started praying this the first week. I was wrestling to understand why I could not accept that He loves me. One day in bible study I shared this with Kayla and Rebecca, that I felt like I am unlovable, and because of that I have become closed off to sharing my life with people and with the Lord. I keep everyone at arm's length. I would let people see glimpses of myself, but only in an environment that I could try and control. If I kept my stone wall up, no one could know me, so no one could hurt me. I was afraid to accept the Lord's love and let Him be my identity, because I would have to open up and let him in more. I would have to give up my brick wall that I had built around my emotions.

I went upstairs to have it out with the Lord. I sat in the family room and just waited. Sometimes I would try and pour my heart out and say, "ok, God, I know I am not where I am supposed to be, help me accept your love, help me to know that you love me." But I was praying in an impatient, "I want to be sanctified now so I don't have any more issues, please and thank you," kind of way. Each time I started the flow of thought, the Lord said, "wait." So I sat impatiently, then I went out on the deck outside the family room and stood in the rain. I stared at the clouds, listened to the thunder, and was pretty much waiting for this visually amazing break-in-the-clouds, sun-shining-down, rainbow-and-unicorns, heartwarming moment, where I just suddenly got it and was ok.

That did not happen.

I just got cold and wet and more impatient. I went back inside, sat down on the couch in a huff and waited some more. Then God spoke. He said, "Give it up. Give up your idea of what your life should be." I said in a huff, "I have no idea what I think is my idea of what my life should be!!!" and He responded, "Yes, you do. You want to be successful. You want to be comfortable. You want people to think you are great. You want admiration for yourself and your talents.  I will not share my glory. I want to use your talents for myself. You want to build up your own esteem and idea of perfection for your life for yourself." Ouch. I was blown away and angry. I felt like Job. I thought God was supposed to be showing me that He loved me, not telling me off. 


Kayla came in the room and found me in this state. Feeling angry and confused and vulnerable, I was not the most gracious host. After flying off the handle when she asked me how I was, offending her, and then trying to explain myself, I finally was able to put into words what was going on in my heart. She said, "Maybe God is showing you his greatest love by getting your eyes off of yourself and onto Him." or something like that. And the phrase came to mind, "the Lord disciplines those He loves." And there it was. That moment I had been waiting for. A breakthrough. Not in great glows of warmth, flowers, sunshine, and happiness; but in thunder, rain, lightning, and hail. In the loving discipline of my Father who cares enough about me to want the best for me, especially when I have no idea what that is. I knew that I was loved or at least was beginning to understand. 

"For the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights."

Proverbs 3:12

A couple weeks ago some friends of the Petries came for lunch and we enjoyed hearing Paul and Rebecca, and Hans and Norma talk about the goodness of God in their lives. I kept thinking, "What richness of wisdom is in this room!" I can barely remember exactly what they talked about, and I am mentally kicking myself right now for not immediately writing it down, but Kayla and I were both touched to tears. I went out to the kitchen to start clean up (and hide my face) and Norma came out and asked if she could pray for me. I swear, by what she prayed for me it was like she had been in the room with Kayla, Rebecca, and I while we were having our bible study. She prayed that I would not put a wall between myself and others; she prayed that I would see myself through the Father's eyes. I remember being struck with awe that God would have her pray exactly what I needed to hear. That God thought of me that much to move her to do that. 

This past Saturday Kayla and I went to a youth event with Laura (Rebecca's best friend), because her son was leading worship there and just to get out of the house :). I was not expecting much. I knew that it was going to be at least partly in French and I knew that it was a youth event. So I was expecting to feel old and awkward and not understand much. Haha, No. I did feel a bit like that in the beginning, but when we heard the sermon, I was blown away again. The sermon was on identity and viewing ourselves the way God views us. Chosen, called, children in whom he delights, righteous through Christ, LOVED. You can actually watch the whole thing here: Explosion BELGIUM April 2012. 

After the sermon they played this song: 

They asked for people who had been living under the weight of a wrong identity and to come forward and pray while we sang to give it up and let Christ speak his view of us into our hearts. I did and He did. :) 

Last night at The Well, we talked about the Resurrection of Christ and how important it is. How we don't talk about it enough, but how it is foundational to our belief. If Jesus was not raised, he was not who he said he was, we who are now in Christ would still be dead in our sin, and we would have no hope. But because He did, we live differently. We live with hope. We live knowing that, because Christ was the propitiation for our sins, and his sacrifice was sufficient, and God raised him; we will be raised with him. I have hope after death and I can live with hope now. 

A couple of the points for how this affects our everyday living were: "I am able to accept my own weaknesses and imperfections (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual) knowing that I will not endure them forever, knowing that they will be changed," and "I am able to seek to know who I am and who God wants me to be, knowing that the unique person He has made will continue to be unique in eternity." Because I have hope I can live in this way. 

I love seeing the Father connect all these dots for me. I love that he is doing it here. I love that he is opening me to a wider view of the church. I love that I could share all of this with my brothers and sisters at The Well who I had just met. I love that I can love the Lord because He first loved me. I love that I can trust Him with my time here and my time after this, knowing that he cares more than I do, loves me more than anyone else ever could, and has all wisdom and power to complete his perfect plan for me. 

All of this gives new life to The Word for me. Isaiah 40-50 just came to life yesterday (monday) with all this new belief. 

I can taste it. It gives new joy and strength for every moment. It will still be a struggle. I know this. I have this  innate tendency to return to my folly,just like a dog to its vomit (Proverbs 26:11); but as I grow in the Lord, I pray that he will continue to give me wisdom in His Word,  fight for me, and give me the strength to struggle against these wrong thoughts that are definitely not from Him. 

What a joy it is to know His love. 

Losing more of myself

I have been working on editing photos and blogging about Brussels, but it might still be awhile. I have a couple drafts that I have worked on but just haven't had the time or mental capacity to finish them yet. It is hard sometimes to know what to do with my free time. I can choose to nap, read, watch something, write, go out, practice ukulele, or study French, but I usually end up trying to write or do something that does not require all of my mental concentration. I am pretty brain dead by 1:00 and studying French or practicing my uke get passed up for something less challenging.

It has been frustrating to bring my uke all the way here, but every time I try to practice it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. The progress I have made in learning notes and reading music goes out the window when I am so tired. I think I need to start taking power naps. I need the extra sleep, as I am only getting about six hours every night. I think I am slowly getting used to that, but my brain is definitely not at 100%.

Yesterday was a good and hard day. I said before that I had been struggling with my attitude last week and really having a hard time serving with joy. I was struggling alone all week because I did not want to show weakness and ask for help, or offend Rebecca. Yesterday though, she could tell I was not doing well and we talked about it. She said that it is a miracle for anyone to serve with joy, especially with the endless list of things we have to do around here and when she is stressed or cranky (her words). She said it has to be the Lord that gives me that attitude, because I cannot work it up myself.

I get really impatient with my own sanctification and this week, God has shown me a lot of pride and selfishness in my heart. I want to immediately eradicate it, so I start pushing for God to fix me in my prayers instead of submitting my struggles to Him in faith and peace. But often, my wanting to be rid of these sins is because I want to be perfect and appear righteous. I don't want to have any flaws, so I say to God, "sanctify me!" for my own vanity and esteem, not for the joy of letting him make me more like himself.

My heart is so deceitful, and even in wanting to be good, I have to mistrust it. My heart can only change and I can only grow by the Lord's grace and him moving in my heart by the circumstances he has placed me in and the power of his Word. The same power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the highest place above all powers is working in my heart to make me more like Christ (Ephesians 1). That is so encouraging.

I was in a funk for the rest of the afternoon after talking to Rebecca. It was good to get the things that were troubling me out of my system, but I always feel so exposed after having those kinds of conversations. I was also struggling with God, knowing that I have been asking to change and be sanctified, but also am getting so tired of it. I think I can almost feel myself being chipped away, as layer by layer my heart is exposed before the Lord and to those around me and I see all of my weaknesses. I am losing more of myself every day. In the unveiling of my sins, he is boring into my heart and making himself the most important thing. He is taking away all the things I might have confidence in and showing me that only he can fill up those places in my heart. Some part of me wants to grasp onto the things that he is exposing and not let go of them. I don't know if this is making any sense. :/

After Bible study yesterday (we have been going through Ephesians), Rebecca prayed that God would show me the lies that I have believed about God and about myself. And he did that in a major way. We had read Psalm 139 in Bible study, because of some connection to Ephesians 1, and the whole time I felt that I was not accepting his love for me. Maybe I just felt exposed yesterday, but I have had a tendency to push emotion away and become very detached and closed. I know that God loves the world and I know that he loves his children in an even more special way, but I have not believed that he has specifically loved me. I have not believed that I have worth in his eyes. I have not believed that I have any worth or future at all. I read Psalm 139 over and over again and I hope that as I pour through the Word and preach the truth to myself that God will change these things that I have believed. I don't know how to believe these things and I don't know what to do to change my heart, but he does. And I am glad.

I want to have confidence in his love and his delight in me. I want to not only believe greatly in his sovereignty and wisdom and his love for all; I want to believe it with all of my being for myself.

In the middle of sorting through all these things (and I admit my eyes were leaking quite a bit, er, I mean it was raining on my face), I fell asleep, and about ten minutes later, my sister came to wake me up because they needed me downstairs. I was quite cranky about being woken, but I was so glad she did.

We went downstairs to get Rebecca up in her chair so we could have dinner in the garden. Paul had built a fire and we roasted sausages over the fire while they told us stories.

They told us about the house next door, that really I am quite obsessed with (I will have to share what I remember sometime). They told us stories about their travels to the Congo: near death experiences, being under house arrest, getting Malaria (Paul said he has had it 13 times!), planting over 1100 churches, sharing Christ with soldiers that were probably planning to kill them, 16 hour rides through the jungle, and all of this in their first year of marriage. They told us how the Lord brought them together and told us stories about their children when they were young.

Their love for each other was so apparent and it is amazing where the Lord has brought them in over 40 years of marriage.

I am so thankful to be here in "spiritual boot camp" right now and am so thankful to glean from the richness of wisdom and knowledge and faith and grace and peace from these lovely people.

Grace upon grace upon grace

As I have probably said before, I am learning so much these days. So much about myself and my heart, my wants, desires, dreams, hopes for the future; and so much about the Lord; his Word, his heart towards me, and his promises.

I posted this link on facebook to a Desiring God blog the other day called "God Loves Good Wine." It talks about the difference between growing grapes for bulk, cheap wines and growing grapes for high quality wines. Basically, the grapes for high quality wines are grown in a more trying climate to make the grapes more rich and flavorful. The vines have to be stressed to produce really good fruit. I feel like that parallels my time here. Not that it is so horrible here. It is wonderful, but it is difficult. It is different. There is not a lot of rest. There is a lot of moving and a lot of serving. A lot of weariness, but there is much grace in the toil.

I feel like now that I have gotten used to the tasks a bit, that they have gotten easier in that I know more of what I need to do, but much, much, harder knowing that I have to do them all the time. I am having much more of a hard time being thankful for them and a much harder time resting in the Lord's grace for all of it. I asked the Lord today to teach me what it means to be his servant. To be his slave. Not that I feel like a slave, that would be a major exaggeration, but sometimes it is difficult for me to be constantly at someone else's disposal.  I am having to pray for the heart of a servant daily. When I am pleasant, or quick to do something on the outside, I am groaning on the inside and I don't want to be groaning.

I am learning what it means to lean on the Father strength. I am learning to submit my constant cares to Him. I am learning how much I still have to learn.

The themes the Father has been repeating to me have been the concept of being poured out, and only one thing being necessary. Basically, that my life is not my own and I am to be poured out as a blessing wherever God places me, and that I only need to focus on Jesus and knowing him in his Word and the other things will flow out of that.

That really only scratches the surface of things, but alas, my mind is already slipping away. I suppose that will do for now. :)

A typical(?) morning

Annie the extraordinaire has left us for the week to see family in France. It is a well deserved break for her, as she does most everything around here. She has been with the Petrie's for a long time and know's everything there is to know about the house and about Rebecca's care. So Kayla and I are mostly on our own this week, except for when Paul is around to help. Annie does most of the cooking, laundry, translating, and just all the little details that need to be taken care of, so Kayla and I both know that this week is going to be a hard one.

I hope that the rest of this week will go a bit smoother than this morning. Kayla and I have worked out the schedule where I do most of the morning duties and she does the evening stuff and the midnight turn. I think it is helping both of our bodies to have a better rhythm and better sleep. I think both of us already feel a little less exhausted.

This morning I got up around 6:30, I actually set my alarm for 5:55 so I could get a shower but I definitely shut that alarm up as soon as I heard it and decided it was not worth it. I went downstairs at 7:00 to do the morning duties with Paul, basically hygiene stuff and getting her in her chair. Paul left and I arranged her room, fed the birds, and got her breakfast and tea ready.  When I had all of that done I went back into the kitchen to make my breakfast. Thankfully I have learned to make my coffee while I make her tea or I would fall over before I get to eat. I will usually try to do something simple, like scrambled eggs and toast, but since I am trying not to eat as much bread I have been doing omelettes or fancy scrambled eggs, so it takes a bit longer. This morning, I was was running in and out of the kitchen and taking my skillet off the burner when I heard the buzzer (the thing we carry around with us in case Rebecca needs us).

When I finally was done with everything, I got to sit for about twenty minutes before getting Rebecca ready for KINE (physical therapy). When the lovely Donatienne (I'm not sure how to spell it), got here at 9:15 I ran up to get ready for the day. I'm pretty sure took a ten-fifteen minute shower (which, if you know me, is pretty amazing), got ready and ran down to get ready for the morning nurse. We had many mishaps with the poor morning nurse, so it took a bit longer than normal. After that we had to rush around to get Rebecca ready for the garden architect who was coming at 11:00. We got her out a bit late, around 11:10. While she and Paul were outside with the garden architect. I tried to get lots of dishes done. Last night, Kayla and I rinsed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher, but didn't start it because it wasn't a full load. We rinsed them so well that they looked clean and some of them got unloaded this morning, so I pulled lots of dishes out from the cupboard and washed most of them. It was almost time to get ready for lunch, so I was trying to hurry and I was getting a bit frantic, really, from running around all morning. While I was washing cups in the sink, praying for patience and joy, and a good attitude, the doorbell rang.

"What now!" I exclaimed.

It was the grocery delivery that I had forgotten about. So I had to go open the garage and find the card to pay the man, but I got the wrong card, forgot my "Je suis désolé. Je ne parle pas Français," and tried to look apologetic instead of frustrated. (Can I please just learn French by osmosis?) I finally had to get Paul from the garden to help me and went back inside ready to bang my head against a cabinet repeatedly.

Once that was dealt with and Paul was back in the garden, I just had to work out my frustration, so I put on some music on my computer and rocked out to FLAME (a christian rapper) in the kitchen while I was drying dishes. I felt really funny, blasting rap in the kitchen, and totally getting down while I was doing dishes in the kitchen where you can usually hear soft piano music playing. It seriously helped though.

 As soon as I saw them coming back up the path, I put on something a bit more mellow:

(which I enjoyed just as much. I love A Fine Frenzy)

I put everything out for lunch and was the last one to go sit down. Whew! It was a lovely lunch. Today we got to sit out on the deck for the first time this Spring. I look forward to many more meals out there. 

After cleaning up from lunch I ran upstairs to clean up a bit and put some lotion on my poor red and dry hands, went to the second floor to the family room where I have hung out a bit with my sister, in the room and on the deck, and am now writing this blog. I opened the deck door and the window across the room, so there is a nice cross-breeze and I have been listening to Bon Iver in one ear and the birds and the children playing in the other. It has been quite lovely. :) 

My feet (and whole body really) are tired and sore, but my soul is refreshed in this little bit of rest that I am having, enjoying my Saviour's gifts to me. Sunshine, fresh air, and lovely music. The birds remind me of his care and his grace. The wind is a cool kiss upon my face. And the music takes me to a place of rest and wonder. The second cup of coffee will give me the energy I need to get through the next four hours (hopefully).  Tonight we have guests coming and Kayla and I have to figure out what in the world to do for dinner. So here's to a lovely (and busy) rest of the day!

I totally made her pose for these. :)

I think she did well, don't you?

This is quickly becoming our favorite room in the house.

I hope you can see why. :)

Still considering a break-in. Seriously!! Just look at it!

About half a pot will get me through most of the day. 

I'm very thankful for my coffee

And delicious biscuits.

It is so easy to bless and thank the Lord in these times of rest. I SO need to improve in thanking the Lord when I am trying to get a hundred things done at once and so many things do not go as I planned. 

But in all of it there is grace. 

P.S. So sorry about all the un-editedness of these posts. I hardly have time to get it all out and by the time I have written there is either not any time to go back and polish it, or I am just to mentally tired out to do it. Hope you enjoy reading them anyway. :)

Grace through trial

My mind is bursting with all that I am learning. I feel like a balloon that is about to pop.

I am learning so much practically, all the care taking duties, medicine schedules, trying to pick up some french, and just a lot of little details. But I feel like I am learning so much more spiritually. My spirit was so exhausted yesterday evening and I was so overwhelmed with everything the Father is teaching me. It is definitely all good, but sometimes I just don't know how in the world to take it all in.

I have been struggling the past several days with a bit of spiritual oppression. The first day it was an encompassing sense of sadness, not really about anything in particular, but over everything. The second day it was a sense of accusation and guilt. Yesterday, I was tempted to question God about everything. I am learning so much and growing so much, but I can feel the tempter feeling his way around and trying to find my weak spot, trying to get me to despair over everything. I think he knows he is losing. (These are things that I struggle with a lot of the time, but never in such an overwhelming sense in quite a while. That is why I think it is spiritual warfare. Just in case you were wondering. :)  )

I asked Rebecca to pray about it at bedtime the second day and she told me that those things are extremely common in this area of Europe. She said, "well that is silly to carry it around all this time." :) She prayed boldly and with authority in Jesus name for me and I feel some of the burden lifted. Rebecca also said that I need to strengthen my spiritual armor, so I have been diving into Ephesians 6 and feel like I have been really learning to "pray at all times in the Spirit, with prayer and supplication." Every time I feel the heat of accusation or the whisper in my ear questioning God's goodness, sovereignty, and love; I just shoot it right back up to the Lord and submit it to him.

I'm not going to lie. It is hard and it is exhausting, but it is so good. I have been reading and re-reading Romans 8 and abiding in, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Ah, what relief! What a refuge! I have received the spirit of adoption as his child and I can cry "Abba Father!" I am helped in my weakness and I am interceded for by the Spirit. "If God is for me, who can be against me?" Who can bring any charge against me? "It is God who justifies. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.

I am being filled to the brim and running over. The Father is breaking and healing my heart repeatedly here and filling me with his joy and his strength. It is exhausting and mind blowing and shattering; it is amazing and miraculous and joyous that the Father would care to discipline me, to change me and grow me as he is doing.

It is amazing, when you stop complaining and start thanking the Lord for everything, even the seemingly bad things, how much there is to be thankful for and how much of everything I have is a blessing and not a right.

I love this place, I love these people, and I am so thankful for them and how God is using them and this place to change my heart and glorify himself.  Oh, and how much more there is to come. :)


Shane & Shane  

"Embracing Accusation"

"The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!

He redeemed us from the curse of the law."

If...

One of the few books I brought with me is Amy Carmichael's "If; What do I know of Calvary Love?" It is a little book of poems that has encouraged me throughout the years and I was led to bring it with me. I have read a bit today and here are some passages that have encouraged me and convicted me:

"If I do not feel far more for the grieved Saviour than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I put my own happiness before the well-being of the work entrusted to me; if, though I have received much mercy, I faint, I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into the vice of self-pity and self-sympathy; if I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve around myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have "a heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold. I do not shut the door, and in the power of Him who works in us to will and to do, keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I am inconsiderate about the comfort of others, or their feelings, or even of their little weaknesses; if I am careless about their little hurts and miss opportunities to smooth their way; if I make the sweet running of household wheels more difficult to accomplish, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I become entangled in any "inordinate affection"; if things or places or people hold me back from obedience to my Lord, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If something I am asked to do for another feels burdensome; if, yielding to an inward unwillingness, I avoid doing it, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I slip into the place that can be filled with Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I refuse to be a corn of wheat that falls to the ground and dies ("is separated from all in which it lived before"), then I know nothing of Calvary love."


Father is showing me that my time is not my own, here or anywhere else. He is showing me my own heart of selfishness and laziness. He is showing me how much of my thoughts are occupied with myself and my desires. My heart and attitudes are being greatly challenged here. The Father has much to teach me and I am ready to learn and to change.

I feel I have come to a point where much has been taken away. I have been emptied and I am ready to be filled. These past years my loves, desires, plans, finances, and health have been torn down. I am in a new place quite out of my comfort zone and I have only the Lord's strength to lean on. This will surely be a time of more tearing down of the idols of my heart, of the foundation made of sand that I have built up for myself, and a time of building up the foundation of Rock that I must always stand on and willingly submitting to the Lord who rightfully belongs on the throne of my heart.

May He become greater and I become less.

WHAT....um, Ok

I still have so far to go.
I have been learning SO much about trusting the Lord and putting the sin of worry to death, but seriously, the moment I started to think, "I am doing good, way to go Katina," I was majorly humbled.
Preparation for this upcoming (ten days!) trip has been humbling. I feel inadequate to go and serve and I have felt completely incapable of getting myself there. Since I had been sick and not working at all up till several weeks ago (doing much better since going to the doc, by the way) I didn't have much to save up, but I did what I could. I have been blessed in that I have a family whose view of money is that it is the Lord's and not theirs and that they are ready and willing to help in the situation that we are in. But it has been extremely humbling not being able to provide much for myself.
The moment I started to trust in what little riches I had, God reminded me that it is not riches that I need to trust in to get me where I need to go, but him. I thought that I had come so far in learning to trust the Lord, but as soon the rug was pulled from under my feet, I responded in anger and distrust.
Today I am repenting and not cursing the IRS, but trying to remember Who has my time in His hands, and trying to be thankful for another moment to grow and trust. A moment to remember my complete inadequacy and remember His complete sufficiency. A moment to remember what the Goal and the Prize is that I should be running to, and that it has much less to do with my own comfort and security here and much more to do with eternal glory for my God, who deserves every last drop of it.

Learning Processes

Ahh music. I am slowly learning music theory and working on the guitar and most recently the soprano ukelele. I am am getting past some of those fears that I have talked about before and just putting my nose to the grindstone to learn. I am seeing that all things are a process and I cannot expect immediate perfection or I will always fail. I am learning to enjoy the journey. It makes my brain hurt. Music theory and notation right now is like another language to me. I'm also working on some paintings, but that has been a bit more slow going.

Here are some things that inspire me and keep me going:

1.  A recent love, Lisa Hannigan

                    If you don't want to watch the whole thing, at least listen to this song:

                                                                       "Little Bird"

2. Anything Chris Thile does

                                                "Another New World," by Josh Ritter

                                            This is the same song, but with the whole band.
                                        (Have I ever said how much I love Punch Brothers?)

                                                            Bach's "E Major Prelude"         
Ok, I guess that's enough Chris Thile for now. (But seriously, can you ever have enough?)

3. The Civil Wars

                                                                       Just amazing

4. Vincent Van Gough

                                       One of my favorites: "Starry Night Over the Rhone"
It is amazing how many paintings he churned out in such short amounts of time. It is amazing how he pursed his passion even through dealing with major depression and probably some mental illness.
I recently started a giant biography about him, "Van Gogh: The Life," by Stephan Naifeh and Gregory White Smith, and am excited to really delve into it.
    
5. Mae Chevrette
She is a modern mixed media artist and photographer. She has a shop on etsy and a blog that I follow. Her pieces never cease to inspire and her ability to support herself as a full time artist is pretty amazing.

                                          This is one of my favorites, "Find the Beautiful."