Losing more of myself

I have been working on editing photos and blogging about Brussels, but it might still be awhile. I have a couple drafts that I have worked on but just haven't had the time or mental capacity to finish them yet. It is hard sometimes to know what to do with my free time. I can choose to nap, read, watch something, write, go out, practice ukulele, or study French, but I usually end up trying to write or do something that does not require all of my mental concentration. I am pretty brain dead by 1:00 and studying French or practicing my uke get passed up for something less challenging.

It has been frustrating to bring my uke all the way here, but every time I try to practice it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. The progress I have made in learning notes and reading music goes out the window when I am so tired. I think I need to start taking power naps. I need the extra sleep, as I am only getting about six hours every night. I think I am slowly getting used to that, but my brain is definitely not at 100%.

Yesterday was a good and hard day. I said before that I had been struggling with my attitude last week and really having a hard time serving with joy. I was struggling alone all week because I did not want to show weakness and ask for help, or offend Rebecca. Yesterday though, she could tell I was not doing well and we talked about it. She said that it is a miracle for anyone to serve with joy, especially with the endless list of things we have to do around here and when she is stressed or cranky (her words). She said it has to be the Lord that gives me that attitude, because I cannot work it up myself.

I get really impatient with my own sanctification and this week, God has shown me a lot of pride and selfishness in my heart. I want to immediately eradicate it, so I start pushing for God to fix me in my prayers instead of submitting my struggles to Him in faith and peace. But often, my wanting to be rid of these sins is because I want to be perfect and appear righteous. I don't want to have any flaws, so I say to God, "sanctify me!" for my own vanity and esteem, not for the joy of letting him make me more like himself.

My heart is so deceitful, and even in wanting to be good, I have to mistrust it. My heart can only change and I can only grow by the Lord's grace and him moving in my heart by the circumstances he has placed me in and the power of his Word. The same power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the highest place above all powers is working in my heart to make me more like Christ (Ephesians 1). That is so encouraging.

I was in a funk for the rest of the afternoon after talking to Rebecca. It was good to get the things that were troubling me out of my system, but I always feel so exposed after having those kinds of conversations. I was also struggling with God, knowing that I have been asking to change and be sanctified, but also am getting so tired of it. I think I can almost feel myself being chipped away, as layer by layer my heart is exposed before the Lord and to those around me and I see all of my weaknesses. I am losing more of myself every day. In the unveiling of my sins, he is boring into my heart and making himself the most important thing. He is taking away all the things I might have confidence in and showing me that only he can fill up those places in my heart. Some part of me wants to grasp onto the things that he is exposing and not let go of them. I don't know if this is making any sense. :/

After Bible study yesterday (we have been going through Ephesians), Rebecca prayed that God would show me the lies that I have believed about God and about myself. And he did that in a major way. We had read Psalm 139 in Bible study, because of some connection to Ephesians 1, and the whole time I felt that I was not accepting his love for me. Maybe I just felt exposed yesterday, but I have had a tendency to push emotion away and become very detached and closed. I know that God loves the world and I know that he loves his children in an even more special way, but I have not believed that he has specifically loved me. I have not believed that I have worth in his eyes. I have not believed that I have any worth or future at all. I read Psalm 139 over and over again and I hope that as I pour through the Word and preach the truth to myself that God will change these things that I have believed. I don't know how to believe these things and I don't know what to do to change my heart, but he does. And I am glad.

I want to have confidence in his love and his delight in me. I want to not only believe greatly in his sovereignty and wisdom and his love for all; I want to believe it with all of my being for myself.

In the middle of sorting through all these things (and I admit my eyes were leaking quite a bit, er, I mean it was raining on my face), I fell asleep, and about ten minutes later, my sister came to wake me up because they needed me downstairs. I was quite cranky about being woken, but I was so glad she did.

We went downstairs to get Rebecca up in her chair so we could have dinner in the garden. Paul had built a fire and we roasted sausages over the fire while they told us stories.

They told us about the house next door, that really I am quite obsessed with (I will have to share what I remember sometime). They told us stories about their travels to the Congo: near death experiences, being under house arrest, getting Malaria (Paul said he has had it 13 times!), planting over 1100 churches, sharing Christ with soldiers that were probably planning to kill them, 16 hour rides through the jungle, and all of this in their first year of marriage. They told us how the Lord brought them together and told us stories about their children when they were young.

Their love for each other was so apparent and it is amazing where the Lord has brought them in over 40 years of marriage.

I am so thankful to be here in "spiritual boot camp" right now and am so thankful to glean from the richness of wisdom and knowledge and faith and grace and peace from these lovely people.

Grace upon grace upon grace

As I have probably said before, I am learning so much these days. So much about myself and my heart, my wants, desires, dreams, hopes for the future; and so much about the Lord; his Word, his heart towards me, and his promises.

I posted this link on facebook to a Desiring God blog the other day called "God Loves Good Wine." It talks about the difference between growing grapes for bulk, cheap wines and growing grapes for high quality wines. Basically, the grapes for high quality wines are grown in a more trying climate to make the grapes more rich and flavorful. The vines have to be stressed to produce really good fruit. I feel like that parallels my time here. Not that it is so horrible here. It is wonderful, but it is difficult. It is different. There is not a lot of rest. There is a lot of moving and a lot of serving. A lot of weariness, but there is much grace in the toil.

I feel like now that I have gotten used to the tasks a bit, that they have gotten easier in that I know more of what I need to do, but much, much, harder knowing that I have to do them all the time. I am having much more of a hard time being thankful for them and a much harder time resting in the Lord's grace for all of it. I asked the Lord today to teach me what it means to be his servant. To be his slave. Not that I feel like a slave, that would be a major exaggeration, but sometimes it is difficult for me to be constantly at someone else's disposal.  I am having to pray for the heart of a servant daily. When I am pleasant, or quick to do something on the outside, I am groaning on the inside and I don't want to be groaning.

I am learning what it means to lean on the Father strength. I am learning to submit my constant cares to Him. I am learning how much I still have to learn.

The themes the Father has been repeating to me have been the concept of being poured out, and only one thing being necessary. Basically, that my life is not my own and I am to be poured out as a blessing wherever God places me, and that I only need to focus on Jesus and knowing him in his Word and the other things will flow out of that.

That really only scratches the surface of things, but alas, my mind is already slipping away. I suppose that will do for now. :)

Grace through trial

My mind is bursting with all that I am learning. I feel like a balloon that is about to pop.

I am learning so much practically, all the care taking duties, medicine schedules, trying to pick up some french, and just a lot of little details. But I feel like I am learning so much more spiritually. My spirit was so exhausted yesterday evening and I was so overwhelmed with everything the Father is teaching me. It is definitely all good, but sometimes I just don't know how in the world to take it all in.

I have been struggling the past several days with a bit of spiritual oppression. The first day it was an encompassing sense of sadness, not really about anything in particular, but over everything. The second day it was a sense of accusation and guilt. Yesterday, I was tempted to question God about everything. I am learning so much and growing so much, but I can feel the tempter feeling his way around and trying to find my weak spot, trying to get me to despair over everything. I think he knows he is losing. (These are things that I struggle with a lot of the time, but never in such an overwhelming sense in quite a while. That is why I think it is spiritual warfare. Just in case you were wondering. :)  )

I asked Rebecca to pray about it at bedtime the second day and she told me that those things are extremely common in this area of Europe. She said, "well that is silly to carry it around all this time." :) She prayed boldly and with authority in Jesus name for me and I feel some of the burden lifted. Rebecca also said that I need to strengthen my spiritual armor, so I have been diving into Ephesians 6 and feel like I have been really learning to "pray at all times in the Spirit, with prayer and supplication." Every time I feel the heat of accusation or the whisper in my ear questioning God's goodness, sovereignty, and love; I just shoot it right back up to the Lord and submit it to him.

I'm not going to lie. It is hard and it is exhausting, but it is so good. I have been reading and re-reading Romans 8 and abiding in, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Ah, what relief! What a refuge! I have received the spirit of adoption as his child and I can cry "Abba Father!" I am helped in my weakness and I am interceded for by the Spirit. "If God is for me, who can be against me?" Who can bring any charge against me? "It is God who justifies. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.

I am being filled to the brim and running over. The Father is breaking and healing my heart repeatedly here and filling me with his joy and his strength. It is exhausting and mind blowing and shattering; it is amazing and miraculous and joyous that the Father would care to discipline me, to change me and grow me as he is doing.

It is amazing, when you stop complaining and start thanking the Lord for everything, even the seemingly bad things, how much there is to be thankful for and how much of everything I have is a blessing and not a right.

I love this place, I love these people, and I am so thankful for them and how God is using them and this place to change my heart and glorify himself.  Oh, and how much more there is to come. :)


Shane & Shane  

"Embracing Accusation"

"The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!

He redeemed us from the curse of the law."

Homesick zombies make feeble attempts at the learning...you know...stuff

I had no idea jet lag could be this bad. When people would talk about it I would think, "big deal, you just stay up all day and then go to bed when you are supposed to and then everything will be fine." Wow, oh wow, was I wrong. Yesterday I felt like the living dead all day and I went to bed right after dinner so I could be competent enough to do the midnight turn. I don't think I have ever been to bed at seven before. I feel like I am in a constant fog, even if I have slept enough, and I haven't been able to sleep very well.

Kayla and I both couldn't sleep last night, so we got to talk for a bit. It was the first extended conversation we've had since we got here.

Yesterday was our first day without Jordan; I think it was rougher on us because of that. I feel like I am constantly doing something wrong and always have to be corrected. I know that I am just learning, and Rebecca is extremely gracious, but I am hard on myself and want to do everything perfectly the first time around. Especially since I am so tired, I don't get things as fast as I normally would and I am slow to move or slow to hear what I am asked to do. Then there are the times when there are a bit of a cultural barrier and I am looking for something that I know of as one thing by the same name and it turns out to be something completely different. *sigh*

I think I automatically see disapproving glances and think others don't think well of me because I am so frustrated with myself, whether they are really there or not. Pray for us to be gracious, especially when we are tired and frustrated with ourselves that we aren't learning faster. Pray for graciousness to be extended to us when we are slow to act or comprehend. Pray for us to get into the groove of things quickly and please, please, please, pray for our bodies to adjust to the time quickly and for us to feel totally well.

Rebecca is lovely and we are enjoying getting to know her and Paul. It is great living with people who are so in love with the Lord and extend grace to everyone around them. I am already so thankful for their presence in our lives and I feel that the Lord will teach us much through them.

This morning was a bit of a whirlwind as we were getting ready for visitors to come to tea. Kayla and I briefly met the First Prince and Princess of Belgium this morning! Pretty cool. They came to pray with Paul and Rebecca about the Prayer Breakfasts that Paul started here in Belgium. We also met another of Paul's friends who was very kind and spoke to us for a bit. I think that he is the pastor over the Prayer Breakfast here.

The more we do everything, I'm sure it will get easier. It is just the firsts of everything that is very hard. We both cannot believe that this is only the fifth day of us being here. It feels like an eternity right now. I just have to get through each moment, I cannot even think of getting through this one day, or I feel like I will fall over. I have to plead for grace and strength from the Lord for every moment, for every unpleasant task, and for everything I feel unqualified for.

I am learning so much and am doing things waaaaaaaaaay outside my comfort zone. Sometimes I am barely making it and sometimes I can smile through it. Each time in the Word is becoming precious and I am learning to lean on the Lord for strength in every moment. I read Isaiah 40 this morning as I was quickly eating breakfast and was encouraged that the Lord says,

"Comfort, comfort, my people..."1

"The grass withers, the flower fade when the breath of the LORD blows on it. surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever." 7-8

"Behold, the Lord GOD comes with might,  and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him. He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." 10-11




"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." 28-31 (All ESV)

The Word is becoming more of a balm and strength to my tired soul every day.

I have also never understood true homesickness until now. Last night I just wanted to hug my Mom and have a good cry, and remembered that she is way on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, plus more than halfway across America. Hopefully, we will be able to find a time to skype soon, but our different schedules plus the eight hour time difference make things difficult. I have gotten to talk to my brothers a bit, which was nice We can receive texts for free, but can't really send many back. If any of you wanted to text us, that would be fine. :)

Miss all of you and praying that the Lord is working in your lives as He is certainly moving in ours.

Love!

If...

One of the few books I brought with me is Amy Carmichael's "If; What do I know of Calvary Love?" It is a little book of poems that has encouraged me throughout the years and I was led to bring it with me. I have read a bit today and here are some passages that have encouraged me and convicted me:

"If I do not feel far more for the grieved Saviour than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I put my own happiness before the well-being of the work entrusted to me; if, though I have received much mercy, I faint, I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into the vice of self-pity and self-sympathy; if I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve around myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have "a heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold. I do not shut the door, and in the power of Him who works in us to will and to do, keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I am inconsiderate about the comfort of others, or their feelings, or even of their little weaknesses; if I am careless about their little hurts and miss opportunities to smooth their way; if I make the sweet running of household wheels more difficult to accomplish, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I become entangled in any "inordinate affection"; if things or places or people hold me back from obedience to my Lord, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If something I am asked to do for another feels burdensome; if, yielding to an inward unwillingness, I avoid doing it, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I slip into the place that can be filled with Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I refuse to be a corn of wheat that falls to the ground and dies ("is separated from all in which it lived before"), then I know nothing of Calvary love."


Father is showing me that my time is not my own, here or anywhere else. He is showing me my own heart of selfishness and laziness. He is showing me how much of my thoughts are occupied with myself and my desires. My heart and attitudes are being greatly challenged here. The Father has much to teach me and I am ready to learn and to change.

I feel I have come to a point where much has been taken away. I have been emptied and I am ready to be filled. These past years my loves, desires, plans, finances, and health have been torn down. I am in a new place quite out of my comfort zone and I have only the Lord's strength to lean on. This will surely be a time of more tearing down of the idols of my heart, of the foundation made of sand that I have built up for myself, and a time of building up the foundation of Rock that I must always stand on and willingly submitting to the Lord who rightfully belongs on the throne of my heart.

May He become greater and I become less.

Ostriches, Hermits, Onions, and Stone

Stubborn layers that peel back with a squeak of protest, or a block of stone for a sculpture that is chipped away every day and barely begins to show its form. This is what I feel like as I am getting to know the Lord and seeing my heart more as it really is. Every day is a fight and struggle to not run away from the peeling and the chipping. It is so easy to run away. I like to be an ostrich sometimes, burying my head in the sand because I like the view there better than the fear of something that is above the surface. Or maybe a hermit is a better example, hiding in a cave and isolating myself from the threat of discovery and being known. Sometimes feeling alone is better than trying, or better than the threat of the unknown. But after a while the head-in-the-sand and the cave are no longer sanctuaries, but are just what they are, a hole in the ground and stone walls.

I haven't always been like this. I think I used to run to good things. It didn't happen all at once. After different kinds of heartbreak I think I thought if I protected myself from the things that cause the pain I wouldn't have to be hurt anymore. So I started to bury things and hid when anything seemed too threatening.

I've been going through a counseling class at my church, and started with the idea that I would learn how to help others work through pain and difficult circumstances, help them uncover their root desires and struggles, but instead I have been working through the caverns of my own struggles, uncovering wrong desires and beliefs, and buried pain. It has been hard.

I went through a counseling class before with The Master's College and started with the same assumptions and ended up working with my own struggles in the same way, but I was taking it online and I didn't really have to share with anyone what I was working through. I just had to get through the assignments and get the grade.

With this class at my church we are split into groups and we have to discuss the curriculum and discuss what it is working in our hearts. This is a group of people that I hardly knew to begin with and did not want to share with in the beginning. I still have a hard time opening up, but I am so thankful that I have had to. I have come to really love these people because they listen, they care, and they are also working through things. I appreciate their transparency and their genuineness.

It is really easy to play the church game sometimes and try to appear like we have it all together. I like to think that I don't need anyone and am strong enough on my own. Really, I don't want to need God either, but oh goodness, do I ever.

The things I like to run away from are the things that show me my weaknesses: people, God, and His Word; pursuing things I love and want to grow in like painting, drawing, writing, learning guitar and making my own music. These things reveal my true heart. They show me my pride and my fear. They show me my inability to be my own strength and control what is around me. I have rarely really pushed into these things to see where I can go with them, because it is hard. 

This year has been hard. These past five years have been hard. They have been years of loss, pain, depression, and running away. A lot of things that I have hoped in have been taken away; things that I put my comfort, security, and identity in. They have been years of wrong belief and bitterness and failure. It certainly has not all been bad. I have had joys, happy moments, and have been growing and learning, but there has been a lot of chipping away.

This process of sanctification is long, it is hard, but it is good. Not all pain is bad.

At this side of things, I can tell you what I have lost; the bad things I have run to, the mistakes I have made, and the wrong things I have believed, but mostly I can tell you that at the end of it all there is Christ. All these struggles show me what I am, and what I need to be. They show me who I need to be in Christ. I can run all I want and I can hide all I want; but when I finally come to the point when I just have to deal with the brokenness, the loneliness, and the pain that I have stored up and locked away over all these years; even when I believe that He is absolutely sovereign and absolutely good, but I don't feel like He is good to me; I have to run to Jesus. Because at the end of these things and at the end of myself, He is all there is. If I never achieve my dreams, if I never find love, or have children, or travel the world I still have Him. If I lose everything and everyone, I will still have Him. And that is good.

Pain has a purpose. I can continue to avoid it and pretend like it doesn't exist, or I can let it achieve its purpose and turn to Christ. I pray that this upcoming year is one where I fight to turn the struggles to Christ and reap the fruit that comes from that. Every step into dealing with my burdens and working to confront the things I run away from is a step toward Christ and toward change; I become more like Him and less like my stubborn, feeble self.  This is best.

If you have made it this far thanks for reading all these musings. Love you all, and praying that you treasure Christ this Christmas. If you are struggling or don't see what the big deal about Jesus is, feel free to talk to me. Drop me a line and let me know what is going on with you and how I can pray for you/with you.

Christ is all, friends. Wherever you are in life and no matter what you are going through, I hope that you discover this and I hope that you will fight for this. We need Him and we need trials, struggles, people, and pain to see that truth. Sometimes it is hard to see that through the haze of our circumstances, but I pray that we will fight for it and I pray that we will not fight for it alone.

This Too Shall Pass

My dear aunt shared this with me on my last post and it was so encouraging to me that I decided you share it with you as well.

This To Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

...Helen Steiner Rice