Being Loved

April 22
Ah, the rain. Love that sound. It has been raining quite a bit this past week and I have found myself enjoying it more than usual. I am sitting at the kitchen table enjoying the sound and the view of the rain in the garden and overhead as it hits the skylight and rolls down the roof. And I am so grateful. Grateful for how God is changing my heart. Grateful for how he has been answering prayers that I have been praying for the past year.

If you have read anything I have written here over the past couple of years, you would have noticed lots of turmoil, lots of doubt; struggles with depression, self-image, motivation, and anxiety; lots of fear and a lot of questioning. I have felt like Jacob wrestling with God, knowing that I have had wrong views about him, knowing that I have had some major issues-sometimes not caring, but wanting to want to care. I have waded through the slumps of dark, dark months where I saw no purpose to my life and felt I had no worth.  I knew that what I felt and how I was living and what I believed was the opposite of what it was supposed to be according to what I have grown up believing and what I know to be right and good and true. And because of that I heaped extra guilt and blame upon myself, "you know what to believe, but you can't even do that!" is what I told myself. But I could not change my own heart then and I am not doing it now. I saw all that was wrong with me and nothing that was right, but the Lord had a plan to change that.

 -----April 23 (It seems I can never finish a post in one setting these days.) The Lord has been doing a major overhaul on my heart here. Through the busyness, service, constant motion, and new situations He has revealed so much selfishness and doubt, so much self-reliance and pride. The Lord has been breaking me and strengthening me to accept His love and His delight in me.

Somewhere along the way, through my disappointments and my dwelling on them, there became a separation between what I knew to be true and what I accepted to be true in my life. I would say "Yes, I believe that God loves everyone, he is sovereign, and he is good," but I have realized this past year that I have not accepted those things to be true in my own life. I have thought that, yes, God is sovereign and controls everything, so if something I considered to be horrible happened to me I doubted God's love and care for me. His love applied to everyone but me. Because, really, how could anyone love this mess? I have seen myself as a failure of a 22 year old, who has accomplished nothing and will never succeed at anything, will never be loved, will never amount to anything but be a secretly (or not so secretly) depressed Christian who tries to put the right mask on for the right occasion and have the right answers to all the deep questions. I have lived as if I had already been defeated. But that is not the way my Father views me and He has shown that to me in amazing ways in these past seven weeks.

I think the first week we were here Rebecca said to me something like, "I think you are really hard on yourself" or, "you have a really bad view of yourself." She asked me, "Do you know God loves you?" and I really wouldn't know how to respond. I knew that I was supposed to know that He did, but I haven't felt like that in quite some time. As the weeks went by there were more and more things that pierced my heart.

Rebecca has been praying that I would see myself as He sees me and has encouraged me to do the same, to pray that I would "see as he sees." I started praying this the first week. I was wrestling to understand why I could not accept that He loves me. One day in bible study I shared this with Kayla and Rebecca, that I felt like I am unlovable, and because of that I have become closed off to sharing my life with people and with the Lord. I keep everyone at arm's length. I would let people see glimpses of myself, but only in an environment that I could try and control. If I kept my stone wall up, no one could know me, so no one could hurt me. I was afraid to accept the Lord's love and let Him be my identity, because I would have to open up and let him in more. I would have to give up my brick wall that I had built around my emotions.

I went upstairs to have it out with the Lord. I sat in the family room and just waited. Sometimes I would try and pour my heart out and say, "ok, God, I know I am not where I am supposed to be, help me accept your love, help me to know that you love me." But I was praying in an impatient, "I want to be sanctified now so I don't have any more issues, please and thank you," kind of way. Each time I started the flow of thought, the Lord said, "wait." So I sat impatiently, then I went out on the deck outside the family room and stood in the rain. I stared at the clouds, listened to the thunder, and was pretty much waiting for this visually amazing break-in-the-clouds, sun-shining-down, rainbow-and-unicorns, heartwarming moment, where I just suddenly got it and was ok.

That did not happen.

I just got cold and wet and more impatient. I went back inside, sat down on the couch in a huff and waited some more. Then God spoke. He said, "Give it up. Give up your idea of what your life should be." I said in a huff, "I have no idea what I think is my idea of what my life should be!!!" and He responded, "Yes, you do. You want to be successful. You want to be comfortable. You want people to think you are great. You want admiration for yourself and your talents.  I will not share my glory. I want to use your talents for myself. You want to build up your own esteem and idea of perfection for your life for yourself." Ouch. I was blown away and angry. I felt like Job. I thought God was supposed to be showing me that He loved me, not telling me off. 


Kayla came in the room and found me in this state. Feeling angry and confused and vulnerable, I was not the most gracious host. After flying off the handle when she asked me how I was, offending her, and then trying to explain myself, I finally was able to put into words what was going on in my heart. She said, "Maybe God is showing you his greatest love by getting your eyes off of yourself and onto Him." or something like that. And the phrase came to mind, "the Lord disciplines those He loves." And there it was. That moment I had been waiting for. A breakthrough. Not in great glows of warmth, flowers, sunshine, and happiness; but in thunder, rain, lightning, and hail. In the loving discipline of my Father who cares enough about me to want the best for me, especially when I have no idea what that is. I knew that I was loved or at least was beginning to understand. 

"For the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights."

Proverbs 3:12

A couple weeks ago some friends of the Petries came for lunch and we enjoyed hearing Paul and Rebecca, and Hans and Norma talk about the goodness of God in their lives. I kept thinking, "What richness of wisdom is in this room!" I can barely remember exactly what they talked about, and I am mentally kicking myself right now for not immediately writing it down, but Kayla and I were both touched to tears. I went out to the kitchen to start clean up (and hide my face) and Norma came out and asked if she could pray for me. I swear, by what she prayed for me it was like she had been in the room with Kayla, Rebecca, and I while we were having our bible study. She prayed that I would not put a wall between myself and others; she prayed that I would see myself through the Father's eyes. I remember being struck with awe that God would have her pray exactly what I needed to hear. That God thought of me that much to move her to do that. 

This past Saturday Kayla and I went to a youth event with Laura (Rebecca's best friend), because her son was leading worship there and just to get out of the house :). I was not expecting much. I knew that it was going to be at least partly in French and I knew that it was a youth event. So I was expecting to feel old and awkward and not understand much. Haha, No. I did feel a bit like that in the beginning, but when we heard the sermon, I was blown away again. The sermon was on identity and viewing ourselves the way God views us. Chosen, called, children in whom he delights, righteous through Christ, LOVED. You can actually watch the whole thing here: Explosion BELGIUM April 2012. 

After the sermon they played this song: 

They asked for people who had been living under the weight of a wrong identity and to come forward and pray while we sang to give it up and let Christ speak his view of us into our hearts. I did and He did. :) 

Last night at The Well, we talked about the Resurrection of Christ and how important it is. How we don't talk about it enough, but how it is foundational to our belief. If Jesus was not raised, he was not who he said he was, we who are now in Christ would still be dead in our sin, and we would have no hope. But because He did, we live differently. We live with hope. We live knowing that, because Christ was the propitiation for our sins, and his sacrifice was sufficient, and God raised him; we will be raised with him. I have hope after death and I can live with hope now. 

A couple of the points for how this affects our everyday living were: "I am able to accept my own weaknesses and imperfections (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual) knowing that I will not endure them forever, knowing that they will be changed," and "I am able to seek to know who I am and who God wants me to be, knowing that the unique person He has made will continue to be unique in eternity." Because I have hope I can live in this way. 

I love seeing the Father connect all these dots for me. I love that he is doing it here. I love that he is opening me to a wider view of the church. I love that I could share all of this with my brothers and sisters at The Well who I had just met. I love that I can love the Lord because He first loved me. I love that I can trust Him with my time here and my time after this, knowing that he cares more than I do, loves me more than anyone else ever could, and has all wisdom and power to complete his perfect plan for me. 

All of this gives new life to The Word for me. Isaiah 40-50 just came to life yesterday (monday) with all this new belief. 

I can taste it. It gives new joy and strength for every moment. It will still be a struggle. I know this. I have this  innate tendency to return to my folly,just like a dog to its vomit (Proverbs 26:11); but as I grow in the Lord, I pray that he will continue to give me wisdom in His Word,  fight for me, and give me the strength to struggle against these wrong thoughts that are definitely not from Him. 

What a joy it is to know His love. 

Brussels (Sister #2's account)

We had a wonderful time in Brussels last Friday. I hope that I can communicate at least a fraction of the wide array of feeling and experiences that we had. Some of the wonder and beauties of the city really cannot be captured in pictures or words; you just have to see it on your own. But I hope that I can relay some of it.

We left home around 1:25 to get to the train at 1:30. We walked the couple blocks to the station as fast as we could and make it just in time to get on the train and grab a seat before it left the platform. We bought our tickets from a paunch and lanky Belgian and felt relieved that we had caught the train on time, but I think we were both feeling a bit nervous about navigating the journey by ourselves. The seats in our car were a bit odd. (I kept typing ood here and it made me think of Doctor Who. :) ) They faced inward, so I had to turn my body and avert my gaze to keep from staring at the young lady directly across from me. It was ok though, I wanted to stare out the window anyway and not miss anything.

We were both anxious to not miss our stop, so when we saw a sign several stops in that had Brussels on it, I immediately got out of my seat and headed for the door. (I think I was a bit more anxious to get out than Kayla, because I evidently "left her in my dust," as Kayla put it and didn't notice that she fell on the steps. Ooops.) Once we walked out of the train station we realized that it was the wrong stop. After a bit of a bad attitude and some naughty words on my part (sorry Mom), Kayla called Haven and asked her about our situation and she told us that we could just walk to where we had originally intended to go. This turned out to be a blessing as it was a lovely walk and it was a bit more fun to be unsure of where we were going and then find it (with a bit of local help) on our own.

I'm a major fan of cobblestone streets.

We walked for quite a while and were getting hot and tired, so we sat in the shade of this building while we discussed which way to go, because even after asking several people how the get to the Grand Place and getting different ambiguous directions, we were still pretty unsure of where to turn. 

We were sitting near this lovely little intersection that was out of the way of the main street and major foot traffic. We sat on the curb and discussed our thoughts of being in a new city and not being able to speak the language. I have been learning that as a stranger to this foreign land, you really have to be humble and ask for help a lot. I think I have a lot more pride than I thought, because I really dread asking for help, or not appearing knowledgeable about something. *Sigh*Yet one more thing for the Lord to work on while I'm here. It is good for me. 

This was the gate that we walked past before we got to the intersection we sat at for quite some time.  

We asked the Lord for help with our attitudes and thanked Him for the opportunity to explore Brussels and my heart felt much lighter afterwards. We decided that we had enough time to get a bit lost if it came to it and really liked the looks of the street we were on. The alley looked promising, so we headed off into the unknown once again. 

We headed down the street and started seeing more amazing architecture and the lovely sun peeking through.

We were greatly encouraged when we came to this sign that told us we were going in the right general direction!

We walked toward anything that looked interesting.

 . 

We came to a large square with this beautiful church. 

There are lots of statues with men on horses in Brussels

I'm still not sure what this sign means, but we though it looked like a funny little man with an epic beard and a strange hat. :)

This is where we had lunch. We sat at a table on the sidewalk and a waiter in black and white dress attire came to get our order. 

We got a turkey sandwich and salad and frites to share. All very delicious. The bread here...OMG. SO good. And hey, I am not crazy for eating my fries with mayo occasionally. They are served with Mayo here.

  

 We enjoyed eating, watching the crowd pass by, and having a nice rest after all that walking. It was lovely, busy, and very exciting hearing all the different languages around us. We greatly enjoyed it when a girl approached us and started to ask something in French, and did not realize we were foreigners until we replied "sorry?" in English. We had just been talking, wondering if we blended in at all or if people could look at us and tell we were Americans. Similar things happened throughout the rest of the day, so we were satisfied. 

One seriously weird thing that happened at lunch, was that I took a bite of a fry with some mayo, and it must have been an odd bit of either of those, or just super mushy, but it hit the back of my throat in a really strange way and I almost threw up. It was so weird. I immediately felt really sick and wondered if I should run to the nearest bathroom. I kept fighting the gag reflex as I had this vision in my head of me standing up dramatically, my chair falling back, and knocking chairs and tables out of my way so I could hunker over the nearest trash can and retch while the natives and tourist alike froze in their path to stare at the crazy American. I gulped down lots of water and told myself to keep it in. This was not going to be the day I humiliated myself in public in this way. No sir. 

I was a bit paranoid for a while after the almost incident. 

Yummy looking wafels. We actually didn't have one on this trip. Next time. :)

 Just terrifying

 The Gland Plaza was breathtaking and definitely cannot be captured in pictures, but I sure tried.

We were both awe-struck as we stood in the center of the Grand Place. The grandeur and might of these buildings made us feel so small and insignificant, yet inspired and special at the same time. It was so amazing to stand somewhere that had been in existence for centuries. We couldn't keep our mouths closed, couldn't stop exclaiming how amazing it was. There is SO much history and so many lives have been lived there and passed away before I came to exist. It really puts my own life in perspective. I am so insignificant. My life is but a blip on the screen. I will, most likely, not be remembered by anyone in a century, yet I have been given this one chance to make a difference with my one life. I want to pass on the love of Christ and the joy and purpose He has given me in whatever time I have left on this earth. 

A nice pub across from the mannequin pis.

It really is just a boy peeing.

Well, hello there...

Outside of a record store that Kayla and I went into. 

Tin Tin was everywhere

Bee Gees

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers in French. Reminded me of my family. :)

My brothers and I used to devour these from the library.

Lots of antique French books

Yay for teal windows!

Every tourist wants a scarf that says "Brussel!"

I don't know if you can see, but there is a beggar in the bottom right corner of this picture. We saw some of the darkness and sadness of the city as well as the grand and majestic. We walked past several beggars, most looked like what you would think of when you hear the word "gypsy." It was very interesting to see the difference of dress from the people who stand on corners in America. It broke my heart to walk down a beautiful city street with great and old architecture and look over to see an old and worn woman shaking her brass cup, clinking with the sound of a few coins, and shouting out instructions to the two year old girl she had sent out to the people walking by. The young girl just held up her hand to the passers-by and stared up with broken innocence, and it broke my heart. 

I had to pay to use this bathroom, so I thought I might as well take a picture. 

You had to walk through a water fountain to get to the bathroom. It was pretty loud too. If you didn't have to go before, you certainly would after you heard it...

We saw lots of Belgian men reading, smoking, or just staring out of their windows while perched on their windowsills.

Another grand church

I snuck this pic while sitting in in a restaurant. We loved the look of this guy. 

After eating a quick dinner (we were exhausted and starving by this point so we just grabbed their version of fast food) we decided to get some ice cream. We had planned to get a wafel, but were both hot and sticky and Haagen Dazs sounded way better. We walked across the little park into Haagen Dazs and ordered our ice cream from a flirty guy who wanted to give Kayla his number (she politely declined). I had a scoop of Belgian chocolate and a scoop of coffee. It was delicious. (Have I mentioned that everything tastes better here???) We walked out a different door than we came in and wandered into a covered shopping area that was built for royalty to be dropped off in their carriages so they wouldn't have to be in the rain. 

We strolled in one direction for a while, enjoying the feeling of being outside and inside at the same time. 

We came to an intersection, walking forward would still be under the glass ceiling and turning to our left or right was open. We turned to our left and gasped. It was a long alley of just restaurants, with little tables near the walkway, music filling the air, soft lighting on either side, twinkling lights streamed in between the buildings and spiffy waiters who would chat with you as you made your way down the alley. With that entire atmosphere, Kayla and I felt like we had stepped into another world. We wandered down the way contentedly eating our ice cream and feeling like we had walked into a fairy tale. 

As we came out the other side, I realized I had completely forgotten about my camera and snapped a quick shot. It soooo doesn't get it, but maybe you can use your imagination. :)

We came back around to the Grand Place (pronounced Grahnd Plahz) and were again stunned by its beauty, this time at twilight. We walked past several street performers before we made it into the square. The city had come to life. It was certainly alive before, but this was more magical. (Hey, I can romanticize all I want. I'm in Europe, OK!)

Street performer with bubbles

After this wonderful, but tiring day, we sat down on some steps by a statue that was close to the train station. I was tired, but euphoric from all the amazing things we saw and experienced. 

Tired sister. 

We went to Starbucks at the station. Check out my new name.

Tired

But happy. :)

Waiting for the train.

Tired feet

We enjoyed these comfy seats on the way home and probably could have fallen asleep. We arrived back home at a decent time and shared our adventures with the family at home. 

Definitely a great introduction to Brussels. 

I'm pretty much in love with Europe. 

The End. :)