Ostriches, Hermits, Onions, and Stone

Stubborn layers that peel back with a squeak of protest, or a block of stone for a sculpture that is chipped away every day and barely begins to show its form. This is what I feel like as I am getting to know the Lord and seeing my heart more as it really is. Every day is a fight and struggle to not run away from the peeling and the chipping. It is so easy to run away. I like to be an ostrich sometimes, burying my head in the sand because I like the view there better than the fear of something that is above the surface. Or maybe a hermit is a better example, hiding in a cave and isolating myself from the threat of discovery and being known. Sometimes feeling alone is better than trying, or better than the threat of the unknown. But after a while the head-in-the-sand and the cave are no longer sanctuaries, but are just what they are, a hole in the ground and stone walls.

I haven't always been like this. I think I used to run to good things. It didn't happen all at once. After different kinds of heartbreak I think I thought if I protected myself from the things that cause the pain I wouldn't have to be hurt anymore. So I started to bury things and hid when anything seemed too threatening.

I've been going through a counseling class at my church, and started with the idea that I would learn how to help others work through pain and difficult circumstances, help them uncover their root desires and struggles, but instead I have been working through the caverns of my own struggles, uncovering wrong desires and beliefs, and buried pain. It has been hard.

I went through a counseling class before with The Master's College and started with the same assumptions and ended up working with my own struggles in the same way, but I was taking it online and I didn't really have to share with anyone what I was working through. I just had to get through the assignments and get the grade.

With this class at my church we are split into groups and we have to discuss the curriculum and discuss what it is working in our hearts. This is a group of people that I hardly knew to begin with and did not want to share with in the beginning. I still have a hard time opening up, but I am so thankful that I have had to. I have come to really love these people because they listen, they care, and they are also working through things. I appreciate their transparency and their genuineness.

It is really easy to play the church game sometimes and try to appear like we have it all together. I like to think that I don't need anyone and am strong enough on my own. Really, I don't want to need God either, but oh goodness, do I ever.

The things I like to run away from are the things that show me my weaknesses: people, God, and His Word; pursuing things I love and want to grow in like painting, drawing, writing, learning guitar and making my own music. These things reveal my true heart. They show me my pride and my fear. They show me my inability to be my own strength and control what is around me. I have rarely really pushed into these things to see where I can go with them, because it is hard. 

This year has been hard. These past five years have been hard. They have been years of loss, pain, depression, and running away. A lot of things that I have hoped in have been taken away; things that I put my comfort, security, and identity in. They have been years of wrong belief and bitterness and failure. It certainly has not all been bad. I have had joys, happy moments, and have been growing and learning, but there has been a lot of chipping away.

This process of sanctification is long, it is hard, but it is good. Not all pain is bad.

At this side of things, I can tell you what I have lost; the bad things I have run to, the mistakes I have made, and the wrong things I have believed, but mostly I can tell you that at the end of it all there is Christ. All these struggles show me what I am, and what I need to be. They show me who I need to be in Christ. I can run all I want and I can hide all I want; but when I finally come to the point when I just have to deal with the brokenness, the loneliness, and the pain that I have stored up and locked away over all these years; even when I believe that He is absolutely sovereign and absolutely good, but I don't feel like He is good to me; I have to run to Jesus. Because at the end of these things and at the end of myself, He is all there is. If I never achieve my dreams, if I never find love, or have children, or travel the world I still have Him. If I lose everything and everyone, I will still have Him. And that is good.

Pain has a purpose. I can continue to avoid it and pretend like it doesn't exist, or I can let it achieve its purpose and turn to Christ. I pray that this upcoming year is one where I fight to turn the struggles to Christ and reap the fruit that comes from that. Every step into dealing with my burdens and working to confront the things I run away from is a step toward Christ and toward change; I become more like Him and less like my stubborn, feeble self.  This is best.

If you have made it this far thanks for reading all these musings. Love you all, and praying that you treasure Christ this Christmas. If you are struggling or don't see what the big deal about Jesus is, feel free to talk to me. Drop me a line and let me know what is going on with you and how I can pray for you/with you.

Christ is all, friends. Wherever you are in life and no matter what you are going through, I hope that you discover this and I hope that you will fight for this. We need Him and we need trials, struggles, people, and pain to see that truth. Sometimes it is hard to see that through the haze of our circumstances, but I pray that we will fight for it and I pray that we will not fight for it alone.

Diverted Heart

I know this isn’t what you planned,

You’ve held your heart out in your hands

Waiting for someone to take a chance

On you

You’ve waited for so long

And have patiently been strung along

Wondering if it will come at all

For you

With so much love to give

A heart of gold and a heart to serve

Aching for someone to give yourself to

And for them to do the same with you

Oh dear, do not despair

For you won’t always tarry here

With lonely heart and aching soul

And searching for the perfect one

That seems to be the other half of you

There’s someone who’s being prepared

To be your number two

To fit with Christ

And fit with you
-Katina Hembree