I know I'm late, but here are some things I've been thinking about
for this year. :)
1. Be all here- I
am always trying to plan two steps ahead. But I am realizing that most of the
soul-changing, heart-growing, hard-but-more-like-Jesus-making things in my life
have been completely unexpected. I will try to live fully each day and
trust Him with my future.
2. Persevere- I
defeat myself before I even start something by believing lies that I will never
be good enough. It is good to know my limits-I will probably never be Van Gogh,
Beethoven, or an exceptional athlete. But I will try. And I will keep
trying. I will not expect immediate perfection, but I will celebrate little
victories. Pounds lost, projects completed, notes read more easily. These
things are things to enjoy. And I will enjoy them.
4. Love- I will
love others, no matter who they are, no matter if it is easy to get along with
them or not, no matter what we might disagree on. My irritation with someone usually reveals blemishes in my heart and my attitude.I will open my heart and let
people in. I will not try to remain aloof, unattached, be robotic and unfeeling,
to protect myself as I have in the past. Truth is-loving like Jesus requires
giving of yourself, it requires being open, it requires vulnerability. I will
not focus on only protecting myself. I will love like Jesus, love
unconditionally, and I will let Jesus protect my heart for me.
5. Humility- All
these things that I am working on- that Jesus is working in me- are not things
that I can achieve by myself. My Savior shapes me and molds me. I am his work
of art. He is teaching me to surrender my pride. I will always need help, from
others and from Him-especially when I don't want it the most.
These things are
good. They are exciting. Whatever happens in my life externally this year, I
know that internally, things are stirring and moving, and I am changing and
growing.
So with my eyes working to fix themselves on Jesus, and my heart
working to trust his goodness and faithfulness, and my mind ever seeking
to know Him more; I will walk forward into this year with hope.
April 22
Ah, the rain. Love that sound. It has been raining quite a bit this past week and I have found myself enjoying it more than usual. I am sitting at the kitchen table enjoying the sound and the view of the rain in the garden and overhead as it hits the skylight and rolls down the roof. And I am so grateful. Grateful for how God is changing my heart. Grateful for how he has been answering prayers that I have been praying for the past year.
If you have read anything I have written here over the past couple of years, you would have noticed lots of turmoil, lots of doubt; struggles with depression, self-image, motivation, and anxiety; lots of fear and a lot of questioning. I have felt like Jacob wrestling with God, knowing that I have had wrong views about him, knowing that I have had some major issues-sometimes not caring, but wanting to want to care. I have waded through the slumps of dark, dark months where I saw no purpose to my life and felt I had no worth. I knew that what I felt and how I was living and what I believed was the opposite of what it was supposed to be according to what I have grown up believing and what I know to be right and good and true. And because of that I heaped extra guilt and blame upon myself, "you know what to believe, but you can't even do that!" is what I told myself. But I could not change my own heart then and I am not doing it now. I saw all that was wrong with me and nothing that was right, but the Lord had a plan to change that.
-----April 23 (It seems I can never finish a post in one setting these days.) The Lord has been doing a major overhaul on my heart here. Through the busyness, service, constant motion, and new situations He has revealed so much selfishness and doubt, so much self-reliance and pride. The Lord has been breaking me and strengthening me to accept His love and His delight in me.
Somewhere along the way, through my disappointments and my dwelling on them, there became a separation between what I knew to be true and what I accepted to be true in my life. I would say "Yes, I believe that God loves everyone, he is sovereign, and he is good," but I have realized this past year that I have not accepted those things to be true in my own life. I have thought that, yes, God is sovereign and controls everything, so if something I considered to be horrible happened to me I doubted God's love and care for me. His love applied to everyone but me. Because, really, how could anyone love this mess? I have seen myself as a failure of a 22 year old, who has accomplished nothing and will never succeed at anything, will never be loved, will never amount to anything but be a secretly (or not so secretly) depressed Christian who tries to put the right mask on for the right occasion and have the right answers to all the deep questions. I have lived as if I had already been defeated. But that is not the way my Father views me and He has shown that to me in amazing ways in these past seven weeks.
I think the first week we were here Rebecca said to me something like, "I think you are really hard on yourself" or, "you have a really bad view of yourself." She asked me, "Do you know God loves you?" and I really wouldn't know how to respond. I knew that I was supposed to know that He did, but I haven't felt like that in quite some time. As the weeks went by there were more and more things that pierced my heart.
Rebecca has been praying that I would see myself as He sees me and has encouraged me to do the same, to pray that I would "see as he sees." I started praying this the first week. I was wrestling to understand why I could not accept that He loves me. One day in bible study I shared this with Kayla and Rebecca, that I felt like I am unlovable, and because of that I have become closed off to sharing my life with people and with the Lord. I keep everyone at arm's length. I would let people see glimpses of myself, but only in an environment that I could try and control. If I kept my stone wall up, no one could know me, so no one could hurt me. I was afraid to accept the Lord's love and let Him be my identity, because I would have to open up and let him in more. I would have to give up my brick wall that I had built around my emotions.
I went upstairs to have it out with the Lord. I sat in the family room and just waited. Sometimes I would try and pour my heart out and say, "ok, God, I know I am not where I am supposed to be, help me accept your love, help me to know that you love me." But I was praying in an impatient, "I want to be sanctified now so I don't have any more issues, please and thank you," kind of way. Each time I started the flow of thought, the Lord said, "wait." So I sat impatiently, then I went out on the deck outside the family room and stood in the rain. I stared at the clouds, listened to the thunder, and was pretty much waiting for this visually amazing break-in-the-clouds, sun-shining-down, rainbow-and-unicorns, heartwarming moment, where I just suddenly got it and was ok.
That did not happen.
I just got cold and wet and more impatient.I went back inside, sat down on the couch in a huff and waited some more. Then God spoke. He said, "Give it up. Give up your idea of what your life should be." I said in a huff, "I have no idea what I think is my idea of what my life should be!!!" and He responded, "Yes, you do. You want to be successful. You want to be comfortable. You want people to think you are great. You want admiration for yourself and your talents. I will not share my glory. I want to use your talents for myself. You want to build up your own esteem and idea of perfection for your life for yourself." Ouch. I was blown away and angry. I felt like Job. I thought God was supposed to be showing me that He loved me, not telling me off.
Kayla came in the room and found me in this state. Feeling angry and confused and vulnerable, I was not the most gracious host. After flying off the handle when she asked me how I was, offending her, and then trying to explain myself, I finally was able to put into words what was going on in my heart. She said, "Maybe God is showing you his greatest love by getting your eyes off of yourself and onto Him." or something like that. And the phrase came to mind, "the Lord disciplines those He loves." And there it was. That moment I had been waiting for. A breakthrough. Not in great glows of warmth, flowers, sunshine, and happiness; but in thunder, rain, lightning, and hail. In the loving discipline of my Father who cares enough about me to want the best for me, especially when I have no idea what that is. I knew that I was loved or at least was beginning to understand.
"For the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights."
Proverbs 3:12
A couple weeks ago some friends of the Petries came for lunch and we enjoyed hearing Paul and Rebecca, and Hans and Norma talk about the goodness of God in their lives. I kept thinking, "What richness of wisdom is in this room!" I can barely remember exactly what they talked about, and I am mentally kicking myself right now for not immediately writing it down, but Kayla and I were both touched to tears. I went out to the kitchen to start clean up (and hide my face) and Norma came out and asked if she could pray for me. I swear, by what she prayed for me it was like she had been in the room with Kayla, Rebecca, and I while we were having our bible study. She prayed that I would not put a wall between myself and others; she prayed that I would see myself through the Father's eyes. I remember being struck with awe that God would have her pray exactly what I needed to hear. That God thought of me that much to move her to do that.
This past Saturday Kayla and I went to a youth event with Laura (Rebecca's best friend), because her son was leading worship there and just to get out of the house :). I was not expecting much. I knew that it was going to be at least partly in French and I knew that it was a youth event. So I was expecting to feel old and awkward and not understand much. Haha, No. I did feel a bit like that in the beginning, but when we heard the sermon, I was blown away again. The sermon was on identity and viewing ourselves the way God views us. Chosen, called, children in whom he delights, righteous through Christ, LOVED. You can actually watch the whole thing here: Explosion BELGIUM April 2012.
After the sermon they played this song:
They asked for people who had been living under the weight of a wrong identity and to come forward and pray while we sang to give it up and let Christ speak his view of us into our hearts. I did and He did. :)
Last night at The Well, we talked about the Resurrection of Christ and how important it is. How we don't talk about it enough, but how it is foundational to our belief. If Jesus was not raised, he was not who he said he was, we who are now in Christ would still be dead in our sin, and we would have no hope. But because He did, we live differently. We live with hope. We live knowing that, because Christ was the propitiation for our sins, and his sacrifice was sufficient, and God raised him; we will be raised with him. I have hope after death and I can live with hope now.
A couple of the points for how this affects our everyday living were: "I am able to accept my own weaknesses and imperfections (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual) knowing that I will not endure them forever, knowing that they will be changed," and "I am able to seek to know who I am and who God wants me to be, knowing that the unique person He has made will continue to be unique in eternity." Because I have hope I can live in this way.
I love seeing the Father connect all these dots for me. I love that he is doing it here. I love that he is opening me to a wider view of the church. I love that I could share all of this with my brothers and sisters at The Well who I had just met. I love that I can love the Lord because He first loved me. I love that I can trust Him with my time here and my time after this, knowing that he cares more than I do, loves me more than anyone else ever could, and has all wisdom and power to complete his perfect plan for me.
All of this gives new life to The Word for me. Isaiah 40-50 just came to life yesterday (monday) with all this new belief.
I can taste it. It gives new joy and strength for every moment. It will still be a struggle. I know this. I have this innate tendency to return to my folly,just like a dog to its vomit (Proverbs 26:11); but as I grow in the Lord, I pray that he will continue to give me wisdom in His Word, fight for me, and give me the strength to struggle against these wrong thoughts that are definitely not from Him.
I have been working on editing photos and blogging about Brussels, but it might still be awhile. I have a couple drafts that I have worked on but just haven't had the time or mental capacity to finish them yet. It is hard sometimes to know what to do with my free time. I can choose to nap, read, watch something, write, go out, practice ukulele, or study French, but I usually end up trying to write or do something that does not require all of my mental concentration. I am pretty brain dead by 1:00 and studying French or practicing my uke get passed up for something less challenging.
It has been frustrating to bring my uke all the way here, but every time I try to practice it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. The progress I have made in learning notes and reading music goes out the window when I am so tired. I think I need to start taking power naps. I need the extra sleep, as I am only getting about six hours every night. I think I am slowly getting used to that, but my brain is definitely not at 100%.
Yesterday was a good and hard day. I said before that I had been struggling with my attitude last week and really having a hard time serving with joy. I was struggling alone all week because I did not want to show weakness and ask for help, or offend Rebecca. Yesterday though, she could tell I was not doing well and we talked about it. She said that it is a miracle for anyone to serve with joy, especially with the endless list of things we have to do around here and when she is stressed or cranky (her words). She said it has to be the Lord that gives me that attitude, because I cannot work it up myself.
I get really impatient with my own sanctification and this week, God has shown me a lot of pride and selfishness in my heart. I want to immediately eradicate it, so I start pushing for God to fix me in my prayers instead of submitting my struggles to Him in faith and peace. But often, my wanting to be rid of these sins is because I want to be perfect and appear righteous. I don't want to have any flaws, so I say to God, "sanctify me!" for my own vanity and esteem, not for the joy of letting him make me more like himself.
My heart is so deceitful, and even in wanting to be good, I have to mistrust it. My heart can only change and I can only grow by the Lord's grace and him moving in my heart by the circumstances he has placed me in and the power of his Word. The same power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the highest place above all powers is working in my heart to make me more like Christ (Ephesians 1). That is so encouraging.
I was in a funk for the rest of the afternoon after talking to Rebecca. It was good to get the things that were troubling me out of my system, but I always feel so exposed after having those kinds of conversations. I was also struggling with God, knowing that I have been asking to change and be sanctified, but also am getting so tired of it. I think I can almost feel myself being chipped away, as layer by layer my heart is exposed before the Lord and to those around me and I see all of my weaknesses. I am losing more of myself every day. In the unveiling of my sins, he is boring into my heart and making himself the most important thing. He is taking away all the things I might have confidence in and showing me that only he can fill up those places in my heart. Some part of me wants to grasp onto the things that he is exposing and not let go of them. I don't know if this is making any sense. :/
After Bible study yesterday (we have been going through Ephesians), Rebecca prayed that God would show me the lies that I have believed about God and about myself. And he did that in a major way. We had read Psalm 139 in Bible study, because of some connection to Ephesians 1, and the whole time I felt that I was not accepting his love for me. Maybe I just felt exposed yesterday, but I have had a tendency to push emotion away and become very detached and closed. I know that God loves the world and I know that he loves his children in an even more special way, but I have not believed that he has specifically loved me. I have not believed that I have worth in his eyes. I have not believed that I have any worth or future at all. I read Psalm 139 over and over again and I hope that as I pour through the Word and preach the truth to myself that God will change these things that I have believed. I don't know how to believe these things and I don't know what to do to change my heart, but he does. And I am glad.
I want to have confidence in his love and his delight in me. I want to not only believe greatly in his sovereignty and wisdom and his love for all; I want to believe it with all of my being for myself.
In the middle of sorting through all these things (and I admit my eyes were leaking quite a bit, er, I mean it was raining on my face), I fell asleep, and about ten minutes later, my sister came to wake me up because they needed me downstairs. I was quite cranky about being woken, but I was so glad she did.
We went downstairs to get Rebecca up in her chair so we could have dinner in the garden. Paul had built a fire and we roasted sausages over the fire while they told us stories.
They told us about the house next door, that really I am quite obsessed with (I will have to share what I remember sometime). They told us stories about their travels to the Congo: near death experiences, being under house arrest, getting Malaria (Paul said he has had it 13 times!), planting over 1100 churches, sharing Christ with soldiers that were probably planning to kill them, 16 hour rides through the jungle, and all of this in their first year of marriage. They told us how the Lord brought them together and told us stories about their children when they were young.
Their love for each other was so apparent and it is amazing where the Lord has brought them in over 40 years of marriage.
I am so thankful to be here in "spiritual boot camp" right now and am so thankful to glean from the richness of wisdom and knowledge and faith and grace and peace from these lovely people.
As I have probably said before, I am learning so much these days. So much about myself and my heart, my wants, desires, dreams, hopes for the future; and so much about the Lord; his Word, his heart towards me, and his promises.
I posted this link on facebook to a Desiring God blog the other day called "God Loves Good Wine." It talks about the difference between growing grapes for bulk, cheap wines and growing grapes for high quality wines. Basically, the grapes for high quality wines are grown in a more trying climate to make the grapes more rich and flavorful. The vines have to be stressed to produce really good fruit. I feel like that parallels my time here. Not that it is so horrible here. It is wonderful, but it is difficult. It is different. There is not a lot of rest. There is a lot of moving and a lot of serving. A lot of weariness, but there is much grace in the toil.
I feel like now that I have gotten used to the tasks a bit, that they have gotten easier in that I know more of what I need to do, but much, much, harder knowing that I have to do them all the time. I am having much more of a hard time being thankful for them and a much harder time resting in the Lord's grace for all of it. I asked the Lord today to teach me what it means to be his servant. To be his slave. Not that I feel like a slave, that would be a major exaggeration, but sometimes it is difficult for me to be constantly at someone else's disposal. I am having to pray for the heart of a servant daily. When I am pleasant, or quick to do something on the outside, I am groaning on the inside and I don't want to be groaning.
I am learning what it means to lean on the Father strength. I am learning to submit my constant cares to Him. I am learning how much I still have to learn.
The themes the Father has been repeating to me have been the concept of being poured out, and only one thing being necessary. Basically, that my life is not my own and I am to be poured out as a blessing wherever God places me, and that I only need to focus on Jesus and knowing him in his Word and the other things will flow out of that.
That really only scratches the surface of things, but alas, my mind is already slipping away. I suppose that will do for now. :)
My mind is bursting with all that I am learning. I feel like a balloon that is about to pop.
I am learning so much practically, all the care taking duties, medicine schedules, trying to pick up some french, and just a lot of little details. But I feel like I am learning so much more spiritually. My spirit was so exhausted yesterday evening and I was so overwhelmed with everything the Father is teaching me. It is definitely all good, but sometimes I just don't know how in the world to take it all in.
I have been struggling the past several days with a bit of spiritual oppression. The first day it was an encompassing sense of sadness, not really about anything in particular, but over everything. The second day it was a sense of accusation and guilt. Yesterday, I was tempted to question God about everything. I am learning so much and growing so much, but I can feel the tempter feeling his way around and trying to find my weak spot, trying to get me to despair over everything. I think he knows he is losing. (These are things that I struggle with a lot of the time, but never in such an overwhelming sense in quite a while. That is why I think it is spiritual warfare. Just in case you were wondering. :) )
I asked Rebecca to pray about it at bedtime the second day and she told me that those things are extremely common in this area of Europe. She said, "well that is silly to carry it around all this time." :) She prayed boldly and with authority in Jesus name for me and I feel some of the burden lifted. Rebecca also said that I need to strengthen my spiritual armor, so I have been diving into Ephesians 6 and feel like I have been really learning to "pray at all times in the Spirit, with prayer and supplication." Every time I feel the heat of accusation or the whisper in my ear questioning God's goodness, sovereignty, and love; I just shoot it right back up to the Lord and submit it to him.
I'm not going to lie. It is hard and it is exhausting, but it is so good. I have been reading and re-reading Romans 8 and abiding in, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Ah, what relief! What a refuge! I have received the spirit of adoption as his child and I can cry "Abba Father!" I am helped in my weakness and I am interceded for by the Spirit. "If God is for me, who can be against me?" Who can bring any charge against me? "It is God who justifies. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.
I am being filled to the brim and running over. The Father is breaking and healing my heart repeatedly here and filling me with his joy and his strength. It is exhausting and mind blowing and shattering; it is amazing and miraculous and joyous that the Father would care to discipline me, to change me and grow me as he is doing.
It is amazing, when you stop complaining and start thanking the Lord for everything, even the seemingly bad things, how much there is to be thankful for and how much of everything I have is a blessing and not a right.
I love this place, I love these people, and I am so thankful for them and how God is using them and this place to change my heart and glorify himself. Oh, and how much more there is to come. :)
Shane & Shane
"Embracing Accusation"
"The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation
Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!
March 9
I know that I am going to love it here. Today has already been a bit better as we are getting into the swing of things. Sleep is still rough and we are still exhausted at the end of the day, but getting to know the people around us more makes it all worthwhile.
Last night there was a full moon and Annie came to tell Rebecca and try to get her where she could see it. We already had Rebecca in bed to go to sleep, but Annie unplugged the bed and we all tried to get it at the right angle so Rebecca could see. Kayla and I sat on the floor next to Rebecca's bed and watched the moon together. I was brought to tears with the grace and Godliness of this woman. She thanked the Lord for being able to see the moon and she told us stories about stargazing and moon-watching with her children and with friends in Africa. She praises the Lord for everything. The good and the bad. The Lord is teaching me to do the same through her.
We are going to begin a Bible study with her soon and are both really excited about it.
March 10
Today Kayla and I tried to go see the Chateau du Lac for the second time and for the second time, ended up going in the opposite direction we wanted to go. In the Rain. We basically just wandered around and looked at houses, trying not to feel miserable as we were getting soaked. We packed lunches to eat at the lake and made ourselves look all pretty so we could take pictures and look like exciting and adventurous tourists having a picturesque lunch by a castle. Nope. Instead we took pictures of houses and doors and our wet faces.
As we were walking, we both were getting increasingly cranky and I was complaining internally and externally. We did not understand why we could not find the dang lake and why we got all excited to get out, just for it to rain and us to look gross. I have been convicted about my grumbling lately. I am a stark contrast to Rebecca's shining example in being thankful.
Kayla and I both prayed out loud while we walked, entrusting our situation to the Lord and both of us thanked Him for it. If anything, this little outing gave us a chance to practice thankfulness in every situation and gave us a chance to feel like stupid American tourists.
I think, next time we will make it and have some lovely pictures of the Chateau du Lac, but for now, here are some Belgian doors, and houses, and streets, and walls. :)
Love this color
Also very nice
Every door was a different color and style
So much nicer than our cookie-cutter American style
Finding our way back home
This is me pulling up my pants and not being very excited to take a picture.
Kayla, standing against a Belgian wall
Near the town center where we made the wrong turn
Made it safely back home.
Some other perks from today were getting beautiful flowers from Paul (he bought all the ladies in the house flowers today, the biggest bouquet for Rebecca, of course) and watching more of Downton Abby tonight. We are on the fifth episode in the first series and we all love it. I love that our taste in movies matches up pretty well. :)
Kayla and I made new strides in care giving today and are thanking the Lord for his grace in it. Oh, He is good.
I tend to be pretty unemotional and suppress any unwelcome feelings, which ends up making me a bit Spock-ish (see Star Trek) about everything. I am also very analytical and live very much in my own head. That is a big reason why I started this blog and also a big reason for my infrequency in posting. I often don't share about my life to a fault and blogging has helped me be a bit more open. But because I have been working through a great many things most of my posts are quite introspective and a bit dreary. In light of that I want to share some things I am thankful for (in no particular order).
1. Mothers, particularly my own.
I worked as a nanny for the majority of 2011 and my sister and I moved out of our parent's home in August of 2011; both experiences gave me a better appreciation of mothers in general, but I have been extremely thankful for my own mother's wisdom this past year. She has always been someone that I could talk to, but I don't think that I have always valued her wisdom, experience, and input as I do now. Thanks Mom. :)
2. My Dad
The same goes for my Dad. I have never appreciated his practicality and his work ethic as much as I do now. I am so grateful for his provision, protection, and his wisdom. I have really come to respect and love my Daddy. Thanks Dad.
3. My siblings
These are my favorite people in the world. We have so much fun together and I love being able to talk as adults now. I cannot imagine living away from them! They are my best friends.
4. Books
I have been trying to expand my readership of classic fiction and have been greatly enjoying the journey. I just finished The Hobbit in anticipation of the movie coming out at the end of this year and am planning to read The Lord of the Rings trilogy again this year. My all-time favorites are Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, and Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, but I have also enjoyed Villette by Charlotte Bronte, Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, several Jane Austin novels, and have reread The Chronicles of Narnia by the dear Clive Staples Lewis. There are many unread classics on my bookshelf by Twain, Barrie, Doyle, O'Connor, and others which I am greatly looking forward to reading.
5. Really good music
A lot of music these days is so senseless and processed that it really has no appeal to me. Don't get me started on Lady Gag(a). I appreciate musicians who really know music, can write technically proficient songs, and actually have great voices without any electronic help. Punch Brothers, Ray LaMontagne, Mumford and Sons, and The Civil Wars, are just a few artists who do this. I've recently been stuck on Matthew And The Atlas, and James Vincent McMorrow.
6. British Television
I love shows that make you think while still being hilarious. A Little Bit of Fry and Laurie is one of those. Oh, and Doctor Who...it's just my favorite show ever. EVER. Mostly the David Tennant seasons. They also do great adaptations of classic fiction. Pride and Prejudice, and North and South are my favorite miniseries right now.
7. The view from my front door
8. The upcoming trip to Belgium
Though there are many things that I am worried about I am extremely excited for all that I am going to see and learn. I have already read Rebecca's book, Falling Into His Grace and have learned so much from it. I am excited to live with Paul and Rebecca, serve them, and learn from them. I am also hoping that the Lord will provide for us to be able to see some of the surrounding countries before we come back across the pond.
9. My Church
I am thankful for a Church that faithfully adheres to the Word of God and is a place where I can fellowship with others, and serve where I am gifted.
10. The Unknown
I am a major control freak and the threat of the unknown is terrifying to me, but I am learning to trust God more and more with each circumstance that requires me to admit my weakness and limited knowledge.
