I have been working on editing photos and blogging about Brussels, but it might still be awhile. I have a couple drafts that I have worked on but just haven't had the time or mental capacity to finish them yet. It is hard sometimes to know what to do with my free time. I can choose to nap, read, watch something, write, go out, practice ukulele, or study French, but I usually end up trying to write or do something that does not require all of my mental concentration. I am pretty brain dead by 1:00 and studying French or practicing my uke get passed up for something less challenging.
It has been frustrating to bring my uke all the way here, but every time I try to practice it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. The progress I have made in learning notes and reading music goes out the window when I am so tired. I think I need to start taking power naps. I need the extra sleep, as I am only getting about six hours every night. I think I am slowly getting used to that, but my brain is definitely not at 100%.
Yesterday was a good and hard day. I said before that I had been struggling with my attitude last week and really having a hard time serving with joy. I was struggling alone all week because I did not want to show weakness and ask for help, or offend Rebecca. Yesterday though, she could tell I was not doing well and we talked about it. She said that it is a miracle for anyone to serve with joy, especially with the endless list of things we have to do around here and when she is stressed or cranky (her words). She said it has to be the Lord that gives me that attitude, because I cannot work it up myself.
I get really impatient with my own sanctification and this week, God has shown me a lot of pride and selfishness in my heart. I want to immediately eradicate it, so I start pushing for God to fix me in my prayers instead of submitting my struggles to Him in faith and peace. But often, my wanting to be rid of these sins is because I want to be perfect and appear righteous. I don't want to have any flaws, so I say to God, "sanctify me!" for my own vanity and esteem, not for the joy of letting him make me more like himself.
My heart is so deceitful, and even in wanting to be good, I have to mistrust it. My heart can only change and I can only grow by the Lord's grace and him moving in my heart by the circumstances he has placed me in and the power of his Word. The same power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the highest place above all powers is working in my heart to make me more like Christ (Ephesians 1). That is so encouraging.
I was in a funk for the rest of the afternoon after talking to Rebecca. It was good to get the things that were troubling me out of my system, but I always feel so exposed after having those kinds of conversations. I was also struggling with God, knowing that I have been asking to change and be sanctified, but also am getting so tired of it. I think I can almost feel myself being chipped away, as layer by layer my heart is exposed before the Lord and to those around me and I see all of my weaknesses. I am losing more of myself every day. In the unveiling of my sins, he is boring into my heart and making himself the most important thing. He is taking away all the things I might have confidence in and showing me that only he can fill up those places in my heart. Some part of me wants to grasp onto the things that he is exposing and not let go of them. I don't know if this is making any sense. :/
After Bible study yesterday (we have been going through Ephesians), Rebecca prayed that God would show me the lies that I have believed about God and about myself. And he did that in a major way. We had read Psalm 139 in Bible study, because of some connection to Ephesians 1, and the whole time I felt that I was not accepting his love for me. Maybe I just felt exposed yesterday, but I have had a tendency to push emotion away and become very detached and closed. I know that God loves the world and I know that he loves his children in an even more special way, but I have not believed that he has specifically loved me. I have not believed that I have worth in his eyes. I have not believed that I have any worth or future at all. I read Psalm 139 over and over again and I hope that as I pour through the Word and preach the truth to myself that God will change these things that I have believed. I don't know how to believe these things and I don't know what to do to change my heart, but he does. And I am glad.
I want to have confidence in his love and his delight in me. I want to not only believe greatly in his sovereignty and wisdom and his love for all; I want to believe it with all of my being for myself.
In the middle of sorting through all these things (and I admit my eyes were leaking quite a bit, er, I mean it was raining on my face), I fell asleep, and about ten minutes later, my sister came to wake me up because they needed me downstairs. I was quite cranky about being woken, but I was so glad she did.
We went downstairs to get Rebecca up in her chair so we could have dinner in the garden. Paul had built a fire and we roasted sausages over the fire while they told us stories.
They told us about the house next door, that really I am quite obsessed with (I will have to share what I remember sometime). They told us stories about their travels to the Congo: near death experiences, being under house arrest, getting Malaria (Paul said he has had it 13 times!), planting over 1100 churches, sharing Christ with soldiers that were probably planning to kill them, 16 hour rides through the jungle, and all of this in their first year of marriage. They told us how the Lord brought them together and told us stories about their children when they were young.
Their love for each other was so apparent and it is amazing where the Lord has brought them in over 40 years of marriage.
I am so thankful to be here in "spiritual boot camp" right now and am so thankful to glean from the richness of wisdom and knowledge and faith and grace and peace from these lovely people.
Showing posts with label Tiredness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tiredness. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Grace upon grace upon grace
As I have probably said before, I am learning so much these days. So much about myself and my heart, my wants, desires, dreams, hopes for the future; and so much about the Lord; his Word, his heart towards me, and his promises.
I posted this link on facebook to a Desiring God blog the other day called "God Loves Good Wine." It talks about the difference between growing grapes for bulk, cheap wines and growing grapes for high quality wines. Basically, the grapes for high quality wines are grown in a more trying climate to make the grapes more rich and flavorful. The vines have to be stressed to produce really good fruit. I feel like that parallels my time here. Not that it is so horrible here. It is wonderful, but it is difficult. It is different. There is not a lot of rest. There is a lot of moving and a lot of serving. A lot of weariness, but there is much grace in the toil.
I feel like now that I have gotten used to the tasks a bit, that they have gotten easier in that I know more of what I need to do, but much, much, harder knowing that I have to do them all the time. I am having much more of a hard time being thankful for them and a much harder time resting in the Lord's grace for all of it. I asked the Lord today to teach me what it means to be his servant. To be his slave. Not that I feel like a slave, that would be a major exaggeration, but sometimes it is difficult for me to be constantly at someone else's disposal. I am having to pray for the heart of a servant daily. When I am pleasant, or quick to do something on the outside, I am groaning on the inside and I don't want to be groaning.
I am learning what it means to lean on the Father strength. I am learning to submit my constant cares to Him. I am learning how much I still have to learn.
The themes the Father has been repeating to me have been the concept of being poured out, and only one thing being necessary. Basically, that my life is not my own and I am to be poured out as a blessing wherever God places me, and that I only need to focus on Jesus and knowing him in his Word and the other things will flow out of that.
That really only scratches the surface of things, but alas, my mind is already slipping away. I suppose that will do for now. :)
I posted this link on facebook to a Desiring God blog the other day called "God Loves Good Wine." It talks about the difference between growing grapes for bulk, cheap wines and growing grapes for high quality wines. Basically, the grapes for high quality wines are grown in a more trying climate to make the grapes more rich and flavorful. The vines have to be stressed to produce really good fruit. I feel like that parallels my time here. Not that it is so horrible here. It is wonderful, but it is difficult. It is different. There is not a lot of rest. There is a lot of moving and a lot of serving. A lot of weariness, but there is much grace in the toil.
I feel like now that I have gotten used to the tasks a bit, that they have gotten easier in that I know more of what I need to do, but much, much, harder knowing that I have to do them all the time. I am having much more of a hard time being thankful for them and a much harder time resting in the Lord's grace for all of it. I asked the Lord today to teach me what it means to be his servant. To be his slave. Not that I feel like a slave, that would be a major exaggeration, but sometimes it is difficult for me to be constantly at someone else's disposal. I am having to pray for the heart of a servant daily. When I am pleasant, or quick to do something on the outside, I am groaning on the inside and I don't want to be groaning.
I am learning what it means to lean on the Father strength. I am learning to submit my constant cares to Him. I am learning how much I still have to learn.
The themes the Father has been repeating to me have been the concept of being poured out, and only one thing being necessary. Basically, that my life is not my own and I am to be poured out as a blessing wherever God places me, and that I only need to focus on Jesus and knowing him in his Word and the other things will flow out of that.
That really only scratches the surface of things, but alas, my mind is already slipping away. I suppose that will do for now. :)
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Homesick zombies make feeble attempts at the learning...you know...stuff
I had no idea jet lag could be this bad. When people would talk about it I would think, "big deal, you just stay up all day and then go to bed when you are supposed to and then everything will be fine." Wow, oh wow, was I wrong. Yesterday I felt like the living dead all day and I went to bed right after dinner so I could be competent enough to do the midnight turn. I don't think I have ever been to bed at seven before. I feel like I am in a constant fog, even if I have slept enough, and I haven't been able to sleep very well.
Kayla and I both couldn't sleep last night, so we got to talk for a bit. It was the first extended conversation we've had since we got here.
Yesterday was our first day without Jordan; I think it was rougher on us because of that. I feel like I am constantly doing something wrong and always have to be corrected. I know that I am just learning, and Rebecca is extremely gracious, but I am hard on myself and want to do everything perfectly the first time around. Especially since I am so tired, I don't get things as fast as I normally would and I am slow to move or slow to hear what I am asked to do. Then there are the times when there are a bit of a cultural barrier and I am looking for something that I know of as one thing by the same name and it turns out to be something completely different. *sigh*
I think I automatically see disapproving glances and think others don't think well of me because I am so frustrated with myself, whether they are really there or not. Pray for us to be gracious, especially when we are tired and frustrated with ourselves that we aren't learning faster. Pray for graciousness to be extended to us when we are slow to act or comprehend. Pray for us to get into the groove of things quickly and please, please, please, pray for our bodies to adjust to the time quickly and for us to feel totally well.
Rebecca is lovely and we are enjoying getting to know her and Paul. It is great living with people who are so in love with the Lord and extend grace to everyone around them. I am already so thankful for their presence in our lives and I feel that the Lord will teach us much through them.
This morning was a bit of a whirlwind as we were getting ready for visitors to come to tea. Kayla and I briefly met the First Prince and Princess of Belgium this morning! Pretty cool. They came to pray with Paul and Rebecca about the Prayer Breakfasts that Paul started here in Belgium. We also met another of Paul's friends who was very kind and spoke to us for a bit. I think that he is the pastor over the Prayer Breakfast here.
The more we do everything, I'm sure it will get easier. It is just the firsts of everything that is very hard. We both cannot believe that this is only the fifth day of us being here. It feels like an eternity right now. I just have to get through each moment, I cannot even think of getting through this one day, or I feel like I will fall over. I have to plead for grace and strength from the Lord for every moment, for every unpleasant task, and for everything I feel unqualified for.
I am learning so much and am doing things waaaaaaaaaay outside my comfort zone. Sometimes I am barely making it and sometimes I can smile through it. Each time in the Word is becoming precious and I am learning to lean on the Lord for strength in every moment. I read Isaiah 40 this morning as I was quickly eating breakfast and was encouraged that the Lord says,
"Comfort, comfort, my people..."1
"The grass withers, the flower fade when the breath of the LORD blows on it. surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever." 7-8
"Behold, the Lord GOD comes with might, and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him. He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." 10-11
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." 28-31 (All ESV)
The Word is becoming more of a balm and strength to my tired soul every day.
I have also never understood true homesickness until now. Last night I just wanted to hug my Mom and have a good cry, and remembered that she is way on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, plus more than halfway across America. Hopefully, we will be able to find a time to skype soon, but our different schedules plus the eight hour time difference make things difficult. I have gotten to talk to my brothers a bit, which was nice We can receive texts for free, but can't really send many back. If any of you wanted to text us, that would be fine. :)
Miss all of you and praying that the Lord is working in your lives as He is certainly moving in ours.
Love!
Kayla and I both couldn't sleep last night, so we got to talk for a bit. It was the first extended conversation we've had since we got here.
Yesterday was our first day without Jordan; I think it was rougher on us because of that. I feel like I am constantly doing something wrong and always have to be corrected. I know that I am just learning, and Rebecca is extremely gracious, but I am hard on myself and want to do everything perfectly the first time around. Especially since I am so tired, I don't get things as fast as I normally would and I am slow to move or slow to hear what I am asked to do. Then there are the times when there are a bit of a cultural barrier and I am looking for something that I know of as one thing by the same name and it turns out to be something completely different. *sigh*
I think I automatically see disapproving glances and think others don't think well of me because I am so frustrated with myself, whether they are really there or not. Pray for us to be gracious, especially when we are tired and frustrated with ourselves that we aren't learning faster. Pray for graciousness to be extended to us when we are slow to act or comprehend. Pray for us to get into the groove of things quickly and please, please, please, pray for our bodies to adjust to the time quickly and for us to feel totally well.
Rebecca is lovely and we are enjoying getting to know her and Paul. It is great living with people who are so in love with the Lord and extend grace to everyone around them. I am already so thankful for their presence in our lives and I feel that the Lord will teach us much through them.
This morning was a bit of a whirlwind as we were getting ready for visitors to come to tea. Kayla and I briefly met the First Prince and Princess of Belgium this morning! Pretty cool. They came to pray with Paul and Rebecca about the Prayer Breakfasts that Paul started here in Belgium. We also met another of Paul's friends who was very kind and spoke to us for a bit. I think that he is the pastor over the Prayer Breakfast here.
The more we do everything, I'm sure it will get easier. It is just the firsts of everything that is very hard. We both cannot believe that this is only the fifth day of us being here. It feels like an eternity right now. I just have to get through each moment, I cannot even think of getting through this one day, or I feel like I will fall over. I have to plead for grace and strength from the Lord for every moment, for every unpleasant task, and for everything I feel unqualified for.
I am learning so much and am doing things waaaaaaaaaay outside my comfort zone. Sometimes I am barely making it and sometimes I can smile through it. Each time in the Word is becoming precious and I am learning to lean on the Lord for strength in every moment. I read Isaiah 40 this morning as I was quickly eating breakfast and was encouraged that the Lord says,
"Comfort, comfort, my people..."1
"The grass withers, the flower fade when the breath of the LORD blows on it. surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever." 7-8
"Behold, the Lord GOD comes with might, and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him. He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." 10-11
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." 28-31 (All ESV)
The Word is becoming more of a balm and strength to my tired soul every day.
I have also never understood true homesickness until now. Last night I just wanted to hug my Mom and have a good cry, and remembered that she is way on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, plus more than halfway across America. Hopefully, we will be able to find a time to skype soon, but our different schedules plus the eight hour time difference make things difficult. I have gotten to talk to my brothers a bit, which was nice We can receive texts for free, but can't really send many back. If any of you wanted to text us, that would be fine. :)
Miss all of you and praying that the Lord is working in your lives as He is certainly moving in ours.
Love!
Monday, March 05, 2012
Initial Observations
Ohmygoodness. I am in Europe. Pretty exciting. We had a crazy nineteen hours of traveling and went thirty-two hours on about four hours of sleep. We both went to bed around 8:30 last night and slept for eight hours straight, woke up around 4:30 and went back to sleep until 9:00. I am still tired, but doing better than I thought I would be.
It has been fairly chilly and wet since we got here yesterday. It snowed this morning, which was lovely and it has been misty and grey ever since.The architecture here is lovely and quaint. Everything is green and beautiful. We went to the grocery store this afternoon with our friend Jordan and got to see Waterloo.
I love seeing all the signs in French and loved hearing strangers speak it around me. I am hoping to learn some while we are here. It is such a lovely language. So musical and much more pleasant to hear than English, I think.
We have been watching Jordan all day to learn what we will be doing and so far nothing looks too scary. I think I will be more overwhelmed when Jordan leaves. I think Rebecca will make everything easy though. She is such a sweetheart. I have already been able to share with her about some things that I have been though and have already been encouraged by her. She just emanates the Lord's grace. I know that, even though I will be daunted with the tasks and exhausted a lot of the time (especially in the first couple of weeks), it will be a joy to serve her.
I am very tired and not feeling too well right now, but the Lord has been and will continue to be my strength and my comfort. Thanks for praying. :)
P.S. This blog post took twice as long as normal because my dyslexia gets worse when I am tired. I think I had to retype every five words or so. :/
P.P.S. I haven't taken any pictures yet, but I will do so soon and put some up when I can.
It has been fairly chilly and wet since we got here yesterday. It snowed this morning, which was lovely and it has been misty and grey ever since.The architecture here is lovely and quaint. Everything is green and beautiful. We went to the grocery store this afternoon with our friend Jordan and got to see Waterloo.
I love seeing all the signs in French and loved hearing strangers speak it around me. I am hoping to learn some while we are here. It is such a lovely language. So musical and much more pleasant to hear than English, I think.
We have been watching Jordan all day to learn what we will be doing and so far nothing looks too scary. I think I will be more overwhelmed when Jordan leaves. I think Rebecca will make everything easy though. She is such a sweetheart. I have already been able to share with her about some things that I have been though and have already been encouraged by her. She just emanates the Lord's grace. I know that, even though I will be daunted with the tasks and exhausted a lot of the time (especially in the first couple of weeks), it will be a joy to serve her.
I am very tired and not feeling too well right now, but the Lord has been and will continue to be my strength and my comfort. Thanks for praying. :)
P.S. This blog post took twice as long as normal because my dyslexia gets worse when I am tired. I think I had to retype every five words or so. :/
P.P.S. I haven't taken any pictures yet, but I will do so soon and put some up when I can.
Saturday, March 03, 2012
Travel Plans
Three and a half hours until we leave for the airport. Then a crazy long day of flights and transfers. Albuquerque to Chicago to London to Brussels. Running on little sleep and half-dead feet, we will make it. Tomorrow evening we will be in Belgium (in whatever state). This is crazy.
Please be praying for us and we will keep you updated as best as we can! We love you and will miss you all (you know who you are)!
Please be praying for us and we will keep you updated as best as we can! We love you and will miss you all (you know who you are)!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I promise I am not yet dead, but my brain might explode at any second
*DISCLAIMER: This post is random and awful*
Hello my few but dear readers :)
I have missed writing and I hope you have missed me.
I intended to be much more frequent in my posting, but you know how life happens...
I have at least had a couple titles for posts that I have not written in the past month, the first being, "Freaking Out/Why I Am Ridiculous," and the other being, "None of us have it all together, but we like to look like we do." So, even though I never actually wrote those, maybe you can get an idea of what I have been going through.
Firstly, School=CRAZY. Why did no one ever tell me that college would be this hard? Do I not talk to enough people or does no one complain as much as I do? Please tell me it's worth it.
If you don't know, I am taking classes online from The Master's College and Seminary and their online courses have four ten-week semesters with only a week or two break in between them, except between my Fall and Winter semesters I had a break for ten weeks. TEN WEEKS! This is not normal. Yes, I am complaining about the break AND the semesters, but mostly about the semesters. Everything that I have to do is squished into a short period of time so that by the time I am done I am a heap of exhaustion. I am only in my second semester of this and am trying to figure out if there is any alternative to this crazy mess. Vacation from life please.
Secondly, Bob Ross is the Boss. If you haven't seen The Joy of Painting, then you just don't know. I swear I have never been so excited to watch someone paint on TV before.
Thirdly, I went out and bought some oil paints and canvases because I was so inspired by Bob. Haha! We will see if I can do something exciting with them. I have never painted with oils before, only acrylic. Actually, I don't think I have ever painted anything with structure-collages don't really count in my book. Oh, I have done paintings with watercolor, but that is extremely different.
Fourthly, if anyone has figured out how to balance school, work, family, friends, church, hobbies, their relationship with God, and keep their sanity; PLEASE let me know.
So many things...
Wow, sorry for this...but I am committed to posting...
^This would be the unpolished me^
Just keepin' it real, yo.
Ha.
Hello my few but dear readers :)
I have missed writing and I hope you have missed me.
I intended to be much more frequent in my posting, but you know how life happens...
I have at least had a couple titles for posts that I have not written in the past month, the first being, "Freaking Out/Why I Am Ridiculous," and the other being, "None of us have it all together, but we like to look like we do." So, even though I never actually wrote those, maybe you can get an idea of what I have been going through.
Firstly, School=CRAZY. Why did no one ever tell me that college would be this hard? Do I not talk to enough people or does no one complain as much as I do? Please tell me it's worth it.
If you don't know, I am taking classes online from The Master's College and Seminary and their online courses have four ten-week semesters with only a week or two break in between them, except between my Fall and Winter semesters I had a break for ten weeks. TEN WEEKS! This is not normal. Yes, I am complaining about the break AND the semesters, but mostly about the semesters. Everything that I have to do is squished into a short period of time so that by the time I am done I am a heap of exhaustion. I am only in my second semester of this and am trying to figure out if there is any alternative to this crazy mess. Vacation from life please.
Secondly, Bob Ross is the Boss. If you haven't seen The Joy of Painting, then you just don't know. I swear I have never been so excited to watch someone paint on TV before.
Thirdly, I went out and bought some oil paints and canvases because I was so inspired by Bob. Haha! We will see if I can do something exciting with them. I have never painted with oils before, only acrylic. Actually, I don't think I have ever painted anything with structure-collages don't really count in my book. Oh, I have done paintings with watercolor, but that is extremely different.
Fourthly, if anyone has figured out how to balance school, work, family, friends, church, hobbies, their relationship with God, and keep their sanity; PLEASE let me know.
So many things...
Wow, sorry for this...but I am committed to posting...
^This would be the unpolished me^
Just keepin' it real, yo.
Ha.
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