Goals(A late list of new year resolutions of sorts)

I know I'm late, but here are some things I've been thinking about for this year. :)

1. Be all here- I am always trying to plan two steps ahead. But I am realizing that most of the soul-changing, heart-growing, hard-but-more-like-Jesus-making things in my life have been completely unexpected. I will try to live fully each day and trust Him with my future. 

2. Persevere- I defeat myself before I even start something by believing lies that I will never be good enough. It is good to know my limits-I will probably never be Van Gogh, Beethoven, or an exceptional athlete. But I will try. And I will keep trying. I will not expect immediate perfection, but I will celebrate little victories. Pounds lost, projects completed, notes read more easily. These things are things to enjoy. And I will enjoy them. 

3. Thankfulness- Sunrises, the smell of coffee, my dog smiling, the way spinach wilts when I sauté it, dried flowers, long hikes. Family, friends, church. The Word-How the God who created me reveals himself to me. He wants me to know him and he knows me. My job-even when I want to stay at home because I'm sick. Sickness-there is something for me to learn even in this. Uncertainty-I run to the one who does know when I am wondering. Loneliness- It is a season that will pass. 

4. Love- I will love others, no matter who they are, no matter if it is easy to get along with them or not, no matter what we might disagree on. My irritation with someone usually reveals blemishes in my heart and my attitude. I will open my heart and let people in. I will not try to remain aloof, unattached, be robotic and unfeeling, to protect myself as I have in the past. Truth is-loving like Jesus requires giving of yourself, it requires being open, it requires vulnerability. I will not focus on only protecting myself. I will love like Jesus, love unconditionally, and I will let Jesus protect my heart for me. 

5. Humility- All these things that I am working on- that Jesus is working in me- are not things that I can achieve by myself. My Savior shapes me and molds me. I am his work of art. He is teaching me to surrender my pride. I will always need help, from others and from Him-especially when I don't want it the most. 

These things are good. They are exciting. Whatever happens in my life externally this year, I know that internally, things are stirring and moving, and I am changing and growing. 

So with my eyes working to fix themselves on Jesus, and my heart working to trust his goodness and faithfulness, and my mind ever seeking to know Him more; I will walk forward into this year with hope. 

Travel Plans

Three and a half hours until we leave for the airport. Then a crazy long day of flights and transfers. Albuquerque to Chicago to London to Brussels. Running on little sleep and half-dead feet, we will make it. Tomorrow evening we will be in Belgium (in whatever state). This is crazy.

Please be praying for us and we will keep you updated as best as we can! We love you and will miss you all (you know who you are)!

The business of living

I have not written for over half a year and I have many good excuses and some ridiculous ones that all involve my life, mental health, growth, and failures. I shall not make a long list of them here. I shall instead tell of my life and it's recent developments and I think my absence from this world will be explained.

I was working toward something. I had a plan. I nearly always have a long term life plan and they usually always fail. When I was a young senior in High School it had something to do with traveling the world, saving orphans from evil warlords, and somehow managing to be brilliant at everything. I had no idea how I was going to get where I wanted to go, but I knew that I would get there eventually. A super-missionary badass was what I wanted to be (though at that time I wouldn't have used as colorful a description) and I had the most unwavering faith that I would someday be in Uganda, scooping up abandoned children with one burly (but feminine) arm while bringing horrid tyrants to justice with my other fist. This was my dream and as far as I was concerned would be my literal future, but if I have learned anything so far in this life it is that things never go as we plan. 

That dream faded into the background after I moved with my family eight months after I graduated. At the time I was excited and sad to go. I was ready for a change, ready for escape, but once the smoke cleared and the reality of it all set in I realized that I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I think that my world was so small before and my experiences so limited, I thought that even though I dreamed of new things my life would be relatively constant.

I took classes from CNM and then transferred to The Master's College and started taking online classes, all the time planning to eventually get to the physical college in California and major in biblical counseling, but somewhere in there the impracticality of coming from a middle class family, not dealing with money wisely, and $38,000 in tuition hit me over the head like a two-ton brick. I still took some more online classes, because it was least something to do, and I think at that time it was where the Lord wanted me. I started the first semester at TMC excited to delve into theology and excited to learn, but mostly I was excited to get where I was going. By the end of my second ten week semester of only two classes I was getting burnt out. I failed my biblical counseling final and scraped by on my Old Testament survey final, so I should have known better than to immediately go into another semester. Before I hit mid-terms, even with only one class, I was already burnt out (charred-and-toasty burnt out). My brain just shut down and I was done. I dropped out and was mentally exhausted.

That was five months ago and I still have no idea what I am doing next.

During all this I was also working part-time as a nanny, which was a wonderful learning experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I loved my kids and loved the family, but it was draining me as well. Plus, after Kayla and I moved out to live in my Grandmother's old house, our work schedules did not work out for sharing our car. So I quit a little over a month ago.

This is my life now. No job, no school, and new responsibilities like paying bills and buying groceries. 

My dwindling bank account and my sister/housemate/main household bread winner are telling me to find a job, and I have been looking, but so far the search has been a pattern of pouring through hundreds of strange and ambiguous craigslist job ads and other job listing sites, writing a very sad and sparse resume, trying to figure out the art of self-promotion, and watching lots of shows on Netflix. No, I do not have at least a year of retail experience; no I have never worked as a barista before, but guess what?! If you hired me I would! Also, I have a great personality, am a team player, am customer service minded, and am an excellent multi-tasker. Instead of telling them what I have done I want to tell them what I want: "I want to be able to pay my bills without smelling like food or children all the time." "I would like a job that will allow me to maintain my current level of sanity."

Other than going through a counseling class at my church, I am doing nothing concerning a life plan. Though it is driving me crazy not having a timeline I think it is ok for now. I mean, did I ever really know what I was doing?

In this in-between time I have been wrestling with God to give me a new plan, to tell me what in the world to do with my life, and this whole time (my entire life really) he has just been trying to give me more of himself. I have been pushing him away because my god was my plan.

In my counseling class I am learning that we all have something that drives us, something that we are looking toward for hope. My future hope has been the fulfillment of my own plans. That is not far enough or big enough. My plans have to die for the moment so I can learn how big they need to be. My future is sure: I will be like Christ in the end. Whole and perfect. My present is hopeful: I am being transformed and renewed day by day. A work in progress.

This is the business of living.