I know I'm late, but here are some things I've been thinking about
for this year. :)
1. Be all here- I
am always trying to plan two steps ahead. But I am realizing that most of the
soul-changing, heart-growing, hard-but-more-like-Jesus-making things in my life
have been completely unexpected. I will try to live fully each day and
trust Him with my future.
2. Persevere- I
defeat myself before I even start something by believing lies that I will never
be good enough. It is good to know my limits-I will probably never be Van Gogh,
Beethoven, or an exceptional athlete. But I will try. And I will keep
trying. I will not expect immediate perfection, but I will celebrate little
victories. Pounds lost, projects completed, notes read more easily. These
things are things to enjoy. And I will enjoy them.
4. Love- I will
love others, no matter who they are, no matter if it is easy to get along with
them or not, no matter what we might disagree on. My irritation with someone usually reveals blemishes in my heart and my attitude.I will open my heart and let
people in. I will not try to remain aloof, unattached, be robotic and unfeeling,
to protect myself as I have in the past. Truth is-loving like Jesus requires
giving of yourself, it requires being open, it requires vulnerability. I will
not focus on only protecting myself. I will love like Jesus, love
unconditionally, and I will let Jesus protect my heart for me.
5. Humility- All
these things that I am working on- that Jesus is working in me- are not things
that I can achieve by myself. My Savior shapes me and molds me. I am his work
of art. He is teaching me to surrender my pride. I will always need help, from
others and from Him-especially when I don't want it the most.
These things are
good. They are exciting. Whatever happens in my life externally this year, I
know that internally, things are stirring and moving, and I am changing and
growing.
So with my eyes working to fix themselves on Jesus, and my heart
working to trust his goodness and faithfulness, and my mind ever seeking
to know Him more; I will walk forward into this year with hope.
April 22
Ah, the rain. Love that sound. It has been raining quite a bit this past week and I have found myself enjoying it more than usual. I am sitting at the kitchen table enjoying the sound and the view of the rain in the garden and overhead as it hits the skylight and rolls down the roof. And I am so grateful. Grateful for how God is changing my heart. Grateful for how he has been answering prayers that I have been praying for the past year.
If you have read anything I have written here over the past couple of years, you would have noticed lots of turmoil, lots of doubt; struggles with depression, self-image, motivation, and anxiety; lots of fear and a lot of questioning. I have felt like Jacob wrestling with God, knowing that I have had wrong views about him, knowing that I have had some major issues-sometimes not caring, but wanting to want to care. I have waded through the slumps of dark, dark months where I saw no purpose to my life and felt I had no worth. I knew that what I felt and how I was living and what I believed was the opposite of what it was supposed to be according to what I have grown up believing and what I know to be right and good and true. And because of that I heaped extra guilt and blame upon myself, "you know what to believe, but you can't even do that!" is what I told myself. But I could not change my own heart then and I am not doing it now. I saw all that was wrong with me and nothing that was right, but the Lord had a plan to change that.
-----April 23 (It seems I can never finish a post in one setting these days.) The Lord has been doing a major overhaul on my heart here. Through the busyness, service, constant motion, and new situations He has revealed so much selfishness and doubt, so much self-reliance and pride. The Lord has been breaking me and strengthening me to accept His love and His delight in me.
Somewhere along the way, through my disappointments and my dwelling on them, there became a separation between what I knew to be true and what I accepted to be true in my life. I would say "Yes, I believe that God loves everyone, he is sovereign, and he is good," but I have realized this past year that I have not accepted those things to be true in my own life. I have thought that, yes, God is sovereign and controls everything, so if something I considered to be horrible happened to me I doubted God's love and care for me. His love applied to everyone but me. Because, really, how could anyone love this mess? I have seen myself as a failure of a 22 year old, who has accomplished nothing and will never succeed at anything, will never be loved, will never amount to anything but be a secretly (or not so secretly) depressed Christian who tries to put the right mask on for the right occasion and have the right answers to all the deep questions. I have lived as if I had already been defeated. But that is not the way my Father views me and He has shown that to me in amazing ways in these past seven weeks.
I think the first week we were here Rebecca said to me something like, "I think you are really hard on yourself" or, "you have a really bad view of yourself." She asked me, "Do you know God loves you?" and I really wouldn't know how to respond. I knew that I was supposed to know that He did, but I haven't felt like that in quite some time. As the weeks went by there were more and more things that pierced my heart.
Rebecca has been praying that I would see myself as He sees me and has encouraged me to do the same, to pray that I would "see as he sees." I started praying this the first week. I was wrestling to understand why I could not accept that He loves me. One day in bible study I shared this with Kayla and Rebecca, that I felt like I am unlovable, and because of that I have become closed off to sharing my life with people and with the Lord. I keep everyone at arm's length. I would let people see glimpses of myself, but only in an environment that I could try and control. If I kept my stone wall up, no one could know me, so no one could hurt me. I was afraid to accept the Lord's love and let Him be my identity, because I would have to open up and let him in more. I would have to give up my brick wall that I had built around my emotions.
I went upstairs to have it out with the Lord. I sat in the family room and just waited. Sometimes I would try and pour my heart out and say, "ok, God, I know I am not where I am supposed to be, help me accept your love, help me to know that you love me." But I was praying in an impatient, "I want to be sanctified now so I don't have any more issues, please and thank you," kind of way. Each time I started the flow of thought, the Lord said, "wait." So I sat impatiently, then I went out on the deck outside the family room and stood in the rain. I stared at the clouds, listened to the thunder, and was pretty much waiting for this visually amazing break-in-the-clouds, sun-shining-down, rainbow-and-unicorns, heartwarming moment, where I just suddenly got it and was ok.
That did not happen.
I just got cold and wet and more impatient.I went back inside, sat down on the couch in a huff and waited some more. Then God spoke. He said, "Give it up. Give up your idea of what your life should be." I said in a huff, "I have no idea what I think is my idea of what my life should be!!!" and He responded, "Yes, you do. You want to be successful. You want to be comfortable. You want people to think you are great. You want admiration for yourself and your talents. I will not share my glory. I want to use your talents for myself. You want to build up your own esteem and idea of perfection for your life for yourself." Ouch. I was blown away and angry. I felt like Job. I thought God was supposed to be showing me that He loved me, not telling me off.
Kayla came in the room and found me in this state. Feeling angry and confused and vulnerable, I was not the most gracious host. After flying off the handle when she asked me how I was, offending her, and then trying to explain myself, I finally was able to put into words what was going on in my heart. She said, "Maybe God is showing you his greatest love by getting your eyes off of yourself and onto Him." or something like that. And the phrase came to mind, "the Lord disciplines those He loves." And there it was. That moment I had been waiting for. A breakthrough. Not in great glows of warmth, flowers, sunshine, and happiness; but in thunder, rain, lightning, and hail. In the loving discipline of my Father who cares enough about me to want the best for me, especially when I have no idea what that is. I knew that I was loved or at least was beginning to understand.
"For the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights."
Proverbs 3:12
A couple weeks ago some friends of the Petries came for lunch and we enjoyed hearing Paul and Rebecca, and Hans and Norma talk about the goodness of God in their lives. I kept thinking, "What richness of wisdom is in this room!" I can barely remember exactly what they talked about, and I am mentally kicking myself right now for not immediately writing it down, but Kayla and I were both touched to tears. I went out to the kitchen to start clean up (and hide my face) and Norma came out and asked if she could pray for me. I swear, by what she prayed for me it was like she had been in the room with Kayla, Rebecca, and I while we were having our bible study. She prayed that I would not put a wall between myself and others; she prayed that I would see myself through the Father's eyes. I remember being struck with awe that God would have her pray exactly what I needed to hear. That God thought of me that much to move her to do that.
This past Saturday Kayla and I went to a youth event with Laura (Rebecca's best friend), because her son was leading worship there and just to get out of the house :). I was not expecting much. I knew that it was going to be at least partly in French and I knew that it was a youth event. So I was expecting to feel old and awkward and not understand much. Haha, No. I did feel a bit like that in the beginning, but when we heard the sermon, I was blown away again. The sermon was on identity and viewing ourselves the way God views us. Chosen, called, children in whom he delights, righteous through Christ, LOVED. You can actually watch the whole thing here: Explosion BELGIUM April 2012.
After the sermon they played this song:
They asked for people who had been living under the weight of a wrong identity and to come forward and pray while we sang to give it up and let Christ speak his view of us into our hearts. I did and He did. :)
Last night at The Well, we talked about the Resurrection of Christ and how important it is. How we don't talk about it enough, but how it is foundational to our belief. If Jesus was not raised, he was not who he said he was, we who are now in Christ would still be dead in our sin, and we would have no hope. But because He did, we live differently. We live with hope. We live knowing that, because Christ was the propitiation for our sins, and his sacrifice was sufficient, and God raised him; we will be raised with him. I have hope after death and I can live with hope now.
A couple of the points for how this affects our everyday living were: "I am able to accept my own weaknesses and imperfections (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual) knowing that I will not endure them forever, knowing that they will be changed," and "I am able to seek to know who I am and who God wants me to be, knowing that the unique person He has made will continue to be unique in eternity." Because I have hope I can live in this way.
I love seeing the Father connect all these dots for me. I love that he is doing it here. I love that he is opening me to a wider view of the church. I love that I could share all of this with my brothers and sisters at The Well who I had just met. I love that I can love the Lord because He first loved me. I love that I can trust Him with my time here and my time after this, knowing that he cares more than I do, loves me more than anyone else ever could, and has all wisdom and power to complete his perfect plan for me.
All of this gives new life to The Word for me. Isaiah 40-50 just came to life yesterday (monday) with all this new belief.
I can taste it. It gives new joy and strength for every moment. It will still be a struggle. I know this. I have this innate tendency to return to my folly,just like a dog to its vomit (Proverbs 26:11); but as I grow in the Lord, I pray that he will continue to give me wisdom in His Word, fight for me, and give me the strength to struggle against these wrong thoughts that are definitely not from Him.
My mind is bursting with all that I am learning. I feel like a balloon that is about to pop.
I am learning so much practically, all the care taking duties, medicine schedules, trying to pick up some french, and just a lot of little details. But I feel like I am learning so much more spiritually. My spirit was so exhausted yesterday evening and I was so overwhelmed with everything the Father is teaching me. It is definitely all good, but sometimes I just don't know how in the world to take it all in.
I have been struggling the past several days with a bit of spiritual oppression. The first day it was an encompassing sense of sadness, not really about anything in particular, but over everything. The second day it was a sense of accusation and guilt. Yesterday, I was tempted to question God about everything. I am learning so much and growing so much, but I can feel the tempter feeling his way around and trying to find my weak spot, trying to get me to despair over everything. I think he knows he is losing. (These are things that I struggle with a lot of the time, but never in such an overwhelming sense in quite a while. That is why I think it is spiritual warfare. Just in case you were wondering. :) )
I asked Rebecca to pray about it at bedtime the second day and she told me that those things are extremely common in this area of Europe. She said, "well that is silly to carry it around all this time." :) She prayed boldly and with authority in Jesus name for me and I feel some of the burden lifted. Rebecca also said that I need to strengthen my spiritual armor, so I have been diving into Ephesians 6 and feel like I have been really learning to "pray at all times in the Spirit, with prayer and supplication." Every time I feel the heat of accusation or the whisper in my ear questioning God's goodness, sovereignty, and love; I just shoot it right back up to the Lord and submit it to him.
I'm not going to lie. It is hard and it is exhausting, but it is so good. I have been reading and re-reading Romans 8 and abiding in, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Ah, what relief! What a refuge! I have received the spirit of adoption as his child and I can cry "Abba Father!" I am helped in my weakness and I am interceded for by the Spirit. "If God is for me, who can be against me?" Who can bring any charge against me? "It is God who justifies. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.
I am being filled to the brim and running over. The Father is breaking and healing my heart repeatedly here and filling me with his joy and his strength. It is exhausting and mind blowing and shattering; it is amazing and miraculous and joyous that the Father would care to discipline me, to change me and grow me as he is doing.
It is amazing, when you stop complaining and start thanking the Lord for everything, even the seemingly bad things, how much there is to be thankful for and how much of everything I have is a blessing and not a right.
I love this place, I love these people, and I am so thankful for them and how God is using them and this place to change my heart and glorify himself. Oh, and how much more there is to come. :)
Shane & Shane
"Embracing Accusation"
"The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation
Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!
I still have so far to go.
I have been learning SO much about trusting the Lord and putting the sin of worry to death, but seriously, the moment I started to think, "I am doing good, way to go Katina," I was majorly humbled.
Preparation for this upcoming (ten days!) trip has been humbling. I feel inadequate to go and serve and I have felt completely incapable of getting myself there. Since I had been sick and not working at all up till several weeks ago (doing much better since going to the doc, by the way) I didn't have much to save up, but I did what I could. I have been blessed in that I have a family whose view of money is that it is the Lord's and not theirs and that they are ready and willing to help in the situation that we are in. But it has been extremely humbling not being able to provide much for myself.
The moment I started to trust in what little riches I had, God reminded me that it is not riches that I need to trust in to get me where I need to go, but him. I thought that I had come so far in learning to trust the Lord, but as soon the rug was pulled from under my feet, I responded in anger and distrust.
Today I am repenting and not cursing the IRS, but trying to remember Who has my time in His hands, and trying to be thankful for another moment to grow and trust. A moment to remember my complete inadequacy and remember His complete sufficiency. A moment to remember what the Goal and the Prize is that I should be running to, and that it has much less to do with my own comfort and security here and much more to do with eternal glory for my God, who deserves every last drop of it.
Stubborn layers that peel back with a squeak of protest, or a block of stone for a sculpture that is chipped away every day and barely begins to show its form. This is what I feel like as I am getting to know the Lord and seeing my heart more as it really is. Every day is a fight and struggle to not run away from the peeling and the chipping. It is so easy to run away. I like to be an ostrich sometimes, burying my head in the sand because I like the view there better than the fear of something that is above the surface. Or maybe a hermit is a better example, hiding in a cave and isolating myself from the threat of discovery and being known. Sometimes feeling alone is better than trying, or better than the threat of the unknown. But after a while the head-in-the-sand and the cave are no longer sanctuaries, but are just what they are, a hole in the ground and stone walls.
I haven't always been like this. I think I used to run to good things. It didn't happen all at once. After different kinds of heartbreak I think I thought if I protected myself from the things that cause the pain I wouldn't have to be hurt anymore. So I started to bury things and hid when anything seemed too threatening.
I've been going through a counseling class at my church, and started with the idea that I would learn how to help others work through pain and difficult circumstances, help them uncover their root desires and struggles, but instead I have been working through the caverns of my own struggles, uncovering wrong desires and beliefs, and buried pain. It has been hard.
I went through a counseling class before with The Master's College and started with the same assumptions and ended up working with my own struggles in the same way, but I was taking it online and I didn't really have to share with anyone what I was working through. I just had to get through the assignments and get the grade.
With this class at my church we are split into groups and we have to discuss the curriculum and discuss what it is working in our hearts. This is a group of people that I hardly knew to begin with and did not want to share with in the beginning. I still have a hard time opening up, but I am so thankful that I have had to. I have come to really love these people because they listen, they care, and they are also working through things. I appreciate their transparency and their genuineness.
It is really easy to play the church game sometimes and try to appear like we have it all together. I like to think that I don't need anyone and am strong enough on my own. Really, I don't want to need God either, but oh goodness, do I ever.
The things I like to run away from are the things that show me my weaknesses: people, God, and His Word; pursuing things I love and want to grow in like painting, drawing, writing, learning guitar and making my own music. These things reveal my true heart. They show me my pride and my fear. They show me my inability to be my own strength and control what is around me. I have rarely really pushed into these things to see where I can go with them, because it is hard.
This year has been hard. These past five years have been hard. They have been years of loss, pain, depression, and running away. A lot of things that I have hoped in have been taken away; things that I put my comfort, security, and identity in. They have been years of wrong belief and bitterness and failure. It certainly has not all been bad. I have had joys, happy moments, and have been growing and learning, but there has been a lot of chipping away.
This process of sanctification is long, it is hard, but it is good. Not all pain is bad.
At this side of things, I can tell you what I have lost; the bad things I have run to, the mistakes I have made, and the wrong things I have believed, but mostly I can tell you that at the end of it all there is Christ. All these struggles show me what I am, and what I need to be. They show me who I need to be in Christ. I can run all I want and I can hide all I want; but when I finally come to the point when I just have to deal with the brokenness, the loneliness, and the pain that I have stored up and locked away over all these years; even when I believe that He is absolutely sovereign and absolutely good, but I don't feel like He is good to me; I have to run to Jesus. Because at the end of these things and at the end of myself, He is all there is. If I never achieve my dreams, if I never find love, or have children, or travel the world I still have Him. If I lose everything and everyone, I will still have Him. And that is good.
Pain has a purpose. I can continue to avoid it and pretend like it doesn't exist, or I can let it achieve its purpose and turn to Christ. I pray that this upcoming year is one where I fight to turn the struggles to Christ and reap the fruit that comes from that. Every step into dealing with my burdens and working to confront the things I run away from is a step toward Christ and toward change; I become more like Him and less like my stubborn, feeble self. This is best.
If you have made it this far thanks for reading all these musings. Love
you all, and praying that you treasure Christ this Christmas. If you are
struggling or don't see what the big deal about Jesus is, feel free to
talk to me. Drop me a line and let me know what is going on with you and
how I can pray for you/with you.
Christ is all, friends. Wherever you are in life and no matter what you are going through, I hope that you discover this and I hope that you will fight for this. We need Him and we need trials, struggles, people, and pain to see that truth. Sometimes it is hard to see that through the haze of our circumstances, but I pray that we will fight for it and I pray that we will not fight for it alone.
