I have been working on editing photos and blogging about Brussels, but it might still be awhile. I have a couple drafts that I have worked on but just haven't had the time or mental capacity to finish them yet. It is hard sometimes to know what to do with my free time. I can choose to nap, read, watch something, write, go out, practice ukulele, or study French, but I usually end up trying to write or do something that does not require all of my mental concentration. I am pretty brain dead by 1:00 and studying French or practicing my uke get passed up for something less challenging.
It has been frustrating to bring my uke all the way here, but every time I try to practice it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. The progress I have made in learning notes and reading music goes out the window when I am so tired. I think I need to start taking power naps. I need the extra sleep, as I am only getting about six hours every night. I think I am slowly getting used to that, but my brain is definitely not at 100%.
Yesterday was a good and hard day. I said before that I had been struggling with my attitude last week and really having a hard time serving with joy. I was struggling alone all week because I did not want to show weakness and ask for help, or offend Rebecca. Yesterday though, she could tell I was not doing well and we talked about it. She said that it is a miracle for anyone to serve with joy, especially with the endless list of things we have to do around here and when she is stressed or cranky (her words). She said it has to be the Lord that gives me that attitude, because I cannot work it up myself.
I get really impatient with my own sanctification and this week, God has shown me a lot of pride and selfishness in my heart. I want to immediately eradicate it, so I start pushing for God to fix me in my prayers instead of submitting my struggles to Him in faith and peace. But often, my wanting to be rid of these sins is because I want to be perfect and appear righteous. I don't want to have any flaws, so I say to God, "sanctify me!" for my own vanity and esteem, not for the joy of letting him make me more like himself.
My heart is so deceitful, and even in wanting to be good, I have to mistrust it. My heart can only change and I can only grow by the Lord's grace and him moving in my heart by the circumstances he has placed me in and the power of his Word. The same power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the highest place above all powers is working in my heart to make me more like Christ (Ephesians 1). That is so encouraging.
I was in a funk for the rest of the afternoon after talking to Rebecca. It was good to get the things that were troubling me out of my system, but I always feel so exposed after having those kinds of conversations. I was also struggling with God, knowing that I have been asking to change and be sanctified, but also am getting so tired of it. I think I can almost feel myself being chipped away, as layer by layer my heart is exposed before the Lord and to those around me and I see all of my weaknesses. I am losing more of myself every day. In the unveiling of my sins, he is boring into my heart and making himself the most important thing. He is taking away all the things I might have confidence in and showing me that only he can fill up those places in my heart. Some part of me wants to grasp onto the things that he is exposing and not let go of them. I don't know if this is making any sense. :/
After Bible study yesterday (we have been going through Ephesians), Rebecca prayed that God would show me the lies that I have believed about God and about myself. And he did that in a major way. We had read Psalm 139 in Bible study, because of some connection to Ephesians 1, and the whole time I felt that I was not accepting his love for me. Maybe I just felt exposed yesterday, but I have had a tendency to push emotion away and become very detached and closed. I know that God loves the world and I know that he loves his children in an even more special way, but I have not believed that he has specifically loved me. I have not believed that I have worth in his eyes. I have not believed that I have any worth or future at all. I read Psalm 139 over and over again and I hope that as I pour through the Word and preach the truth to myself that God will change these things that I have believed. I don't know how to believe these things and I don't know what to do to change my heart, but he does. And I am glad.
I want to have confidence in his love and his delight in me. I want to not only believe greatly in his sovereignty and wisdom and his love for all; I want to believe it with all of my being for myself.
In the middle of sorting through all these things (and I admit my eyes were leaking quite a bit, er, I mean it was raining on my face), I fell asleep, and about ten minutes later, my sister came to wake me up because they needed me downstairs. I was quite cranky about being woken, but I was so glad she did.
We went downstairs to get Rebecca up in her chair so we could have dinner in the garden. Paul had built a fire and we roasted sausages over the fire while they told us stories.
They told us about the house next door, that really I am quite obsessed with (I will have to share what I remember sometime). They told us stories about their travels to the Congo: near death experiences, being under house arrest, getting Malaria (Paul said he has had it 13 times!), planting over 1100 churches, sharing Christ with soldiers that were probably planning to kill them, 16 hour rides through the jungle, and all of this in their first year of marriage. They told us how the Lord brought them together and told us stories about their children when they were young.
Their love for each other was so apparent and it is amazing where the Lord has brought them in over 40 years of marriage.
I am so thankful to be here in "spiritual boot camp" right now and am so thankful to glean from the richness of wisdom and knowledge and faith and grace and peace from these lovely people.
Showing posts with label humility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humility. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Grace upon grace upon grace
As I have probably said before, I am learning so much these days. So much about myself and my heart, my wants, desires, dreams, hopes for the future; and so much about the Lord; his Word, his heart towards me, and his promises.
I posted this link on facebook to a Desiring God blog the other day called "God Loves Good Wine." It talks about the difference between growing grapes for bulk, cheap wines and growing grapes for high quality wines. Basically, the grapes for high quality wines are grown in a more trying climate to make the grapes more rich and flavorful. The vines have to be stressed to produce really good fruit. I feel like that parallels my time here. Not that it is so horrible here. It is wonderful, but it is difficult. It is different. There is not a lot of rest. There is a lot of moving and a lot of serving. A lot of weariness, but there is much grace in the toil.
I feel like now that I have gotten used to the tasks a bit, that they have gotten easier in that I know more of what I need to do, but much, much, harder knowing that I have to do them all the time. I am having much more of a hard time being thankful for them and a much harder time resting in the Lord's grace for all of it. I asked the Lord today to teach me what it means to be his servant. To be his slave. Not that I feel like a slave, that would be a major exaggeration, but sometimes it is difficult for me to be constantly at someone else's disposal. I am having to pray for the heart of a servant daily. When I am pleasant, or quick to do something on the outside, I am groaning on the inside and I don't want to be groaning.
I am learning what it means to lean on the Father strength. I am learning to submit my constant cares to Him. I am learning how much I still have to learn.
The themes the Father has been repeating to me have been the concept of being poured out, and only one thing being necessary. Basically, that my life is not my own and I am to be poured out as a blessing wherever God places me, and that I only need to focus on Jesus and knowing him in his Word and the other things will flow out of that.
That really only scratches the surface of things, but alas, my mind is already slipping away. I suppose that will do for now. :)
I posted this link on facebook to a Desiring God blog the other day called "God Loves Good Wine." It talks about the difference between growing grapes for bulk, cheap wines and growing grapes for high quality wines. Basically, the grapes for high quality wines are grown in a more trying climate to make the grapes more rich and flavorful. The vines have to be stressed to produce really good fruit. I feel like that parallels my time here. Not that it is so horrible here. It is wonderful, but it is difficult. It is different. There is not a lot of rest. There is a lot of moving and a lot of serving. A lot of weariness, but there is much grace in the toil.
I feel like now that I have gotten used to the tasks a bit, that they have gotten easier in that I know more of what I need to do, but much, much, harder knowing that I have to do them all the time. I am having much more of a hard time being thankful for them and a much harder time resting in the Lord's grace for all of it. I asked the Lord today to teach me what it means to be his servant. To be his slave. Not that I feel like a slave, that would be a major exaggeration, but sometimes it is difficult for me to be constantly at someone else's disposal. I am having to pray for the heart of a servant daily. When I am pleasant, or quick to do something on the outside, I am groaning on the inside and I don't want to be groaning.
I am learning what it means to lean on the Father strength. I am learning to submit my constant cares to Him. I am learning how much I still have to learn.
The themes the Father has been repeating to me have been the concept of being poured out, and only one thing being necessary. Basically, that my life is not my own and I am to be poured out as a blessing wherever God places me, and that I only need to focus on Jesus and knowing him in his Word and the other things will flow out of that.
That really only scratches the surface of things, but alas, my mind is already slipping away. I suppose that will do for now. :)
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Foreign Experiences
Things have been pretty busy this past week, so I haven't had time to post as much as I would like. I'm trying to get all of this down so I don't forget anything. I have a bit of time now, so I might have to do a few posts. :)
First, my day off.
My day off was right after Kayla's, so I went into it pretty exhausted. I got to sleep into 10:00, which was glorious. (Let me just say, I don't think I have ever appreciated sleep as much as I do right now.) I took my sweet time getting ready, partly just enjoying the time to do so and partly out of nervousness from the prospects of wandering around by myself. I ate a late lunch and tried to find somewhere in particular to go, but then decided I was stalling and decided to just walk out the door.
Once out of the house I let out a sigh, telling myself that it was not going to be as bad as I thought and telling myself, "Hey! You are in freaking Belgium, even if you don't see anything too exciting, it will still be in BELGIUM. So, just march young lady!" And I did march. For almost four hours and almost six miles.
After I came out from this dirt road, I knew generally where I was and it was quite far from where I had started. I saw a grocery store, so I went in to look around and get something to eat as I was quite hungry by that point. It was probably the low point of my expedition. I walked around the whole time feeling like someone was going to find out that I was not a native and scorn me or something, and I hadn't done anything super stupid yet, so I was just waiting for that moment to happen.
When I gathered all my goodies and plucked up the courage to get in line I felt increasingly conspicuous as I heard all the French around me. I put my basket in the wrong place and a man said something to me and placed it in the right spot, in a stack of baskets right in front of my feet. I had picked the wrong grocery bag and the lady at the register tried to explain this to me. I don't know why I don't immediately say that I can't speak French instead of standing there looking dumb and trying to figure out what people are saying, as if it will magically start translating in my brain. I finally got it and loudly exclaimed, "oh, OH!" like the loud American that I am. After realizing how loud and dumb I just sounded, my flustered factor greatly increased and as soon I was done with my transaction, after saying my "merci's" of course, I booked it out of the closest door. As it happens, they were the wrong doors, which I figured out as soon as I stepped down the odd step and swung the door back behind me, all while moving out as quick as I could, so I didn't notice until several long strides away that it was not and automatic door, it did not shut all the way, and it was most likely the door they open for loading and unloading. When I was about a third of the parking lot away, someone shouted out something in French and closed the door emphatically. Oh, dear. I suppose it could have been worse.
I kept walking and found the little path that my sister and I had discovered on our first walk out, so I sat down to enjoy my awkwardly bought spoils. I got a baguette and some lunch meat for a good snack and some Belgian Wafels for a treat.
First, my day off.
My day off was right after Kayla's, so I went into it pretty exhausted. I got to sleep into 10:00, which was glorious. (Let me just say, I don't think I have ever appreciated sleep as much as I do right now.) I took my sweet time getting ready, partly just enjoying the time to do so and partly out of nervousness from the prospects of wandering around by myself. I ate a late lunch and tried to find somewhere in particular to go, but then decided I was stalling and decided to just walk out the door.
Once out of the house I let out a sigh, telling myself that it was not going to be as bad as I thought and telling myself, "Hey! You are in freaking Belgium, even if you don't see anything too exciting, it will still be in BELGIUM. So, just march young lady!" And I did march. For almost four hours and almost six miles.
I ended up walking around almost the entire village. Ooops.
It wasn't as much fun as it would have been with someone else (ex. my sister), but it was great to get some exercise and see more of the area. I feel a little crazy though, when I am out and about by myself. I mutter to myself a lot when I don't have someone to talk to and feel super conspicuous. I think even more so here, because I don't speak the language. The longest phrase I have learned thus far is "Je suis désolé. Je ne parle pas français." Which means "I'm sorry, I don't speak French." (I just had to google how to spell it, by the way.) Even simpler things, like Merci, and Bonjour, just polite little phrases like that are not sticking well, because when I am in a situation to say them I think of the Spanish words first. And I hardly know any Spanish. Ridiculousness. Stupide américain! (or estúpido americano...)
Anyhoo, I walked in one direction, knowing generally which direction I was going, but then ended up at a traffic circle with so many choices of where to go, I just decided go to the Genval Cimetière because there was a sign for it and between the word and the tiny symbol by it, I knew what it meant. (And that has great value these days. Knowing the meaning of words, that is.)
So you are about to be assaulted with pictures of a Belgian Cemetery, because really, if you end up in a Cemetery in a foreign country, you might as well document the experience, right?
I suppose it was quite different than any cemetery I have ever seen before, so that's something...
Next, I went round the cemetery and found a lovely wall, so naturally I took a rest in the shade and snapped a few pictures of myself leaning wistfully against said wall, as people are usually inclined to do.
After those melancholy and stationary photos, of course I needed a happy walking picture, so here it is:
Happy AND walking. What a combination.
Even Belgium has dumpy looking places.
The rare, hot sunshine.
Entrance to the cemetery. I had to double back to go towards home again.
A lovely home that I liked on my walk.
I walked down a random dirt path and found this lovely field (below).
Not sure where I am at this point
When I gathered all my goodies and plucked up the courage to get in line I felt increasingly conspicuous as I heard all the French around me. I put my basket in the wrong place and a man said something to me and placed it in the right spot, in a stack of baskets right in front of my feet. I had picked the wrong grocery bag and the lady at the register tried to explain this to me. I don't know why I don't immediately say that I can't speak French instead of standing there looking dumb and trying to figure out what people are saying, as if it will magically start translating in my brain. I finally got it and loudly exclaimed, "oh, OH!" like the loud American that I am. After realizing how loud and dumb I just sounded, my flustered factor greatly increased and as soon I was done with my transaction, after saying my "merci's" of course, I booked it out of the closest door. As it happens, they were the wrong doors, which I figured out as soon as I stepped down the odd step and swung the door back behind me, all while moving out as quick as I could, so I didn't notice until several long strides away that it was not and automatic door, it did not shut all the way, and it was most likely the door they open for loading and unloading. When I was about a third of the parking lot away, someone shouted out something in French and closed the door emphatically. Oh, dear. I suppose it could have been worse.
I kept walking and found the little path that my sister and I had discovered on our first walk out, so I sat down to enjoy my awkwardly bought spoils. I got a baguette and some lunch meat for a good snack and some Belgian Wafels for a treat.
Wafels. Yum.
Walking past the Schweppes factory
Wondering if I'll ever make it home
Thankful for a familiar sight!
Relaxing by the Lac
The best chocolate I've ever had in my life.
This is the house next door. It is vacant and falling apart. I have wanted to brake in and look through the house and feel like Nancy Drew every time I see it.
So, that was my day. Despite all the mishaps I really did enjoy it. Especially since we ended the evening with Downton Abbey!!!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Grace through trial
My mind is bursting with all that I am learning. I feel like a balloon that is about to pop.
I am learning so much practically, all the care taking duties, medicine schedules, trying to pick up some french, and just a lot of little details. But I feel like I am learning so much more spiritually. My spirit was so exhausted yesterday evening and I was so overwhelmed with everything the Father is teaching me. It is definitely all good, but sometimes I just don't know how in the world to take it all in.
I have been struggling the past several days with a bit of spiritual oppression. The first day it was an encompassing sense of sadness, not really about anything in particular, but over everything. The second day it was a sense of accusation and guilt. Yesterday, I was tempted to question God about everything. I am learning so much and growing so much, but I can feel the tempter feeling his way around and trying to find my weak spot, trying to get me to despair over everything. I think he knows he is losing. (These are things that I struggle with a lot of the time, but never in such an overwhelming sense in quite a while. That is why I think it is spiritual warfare. Just in case you were wondering. :) )
I asked Rebecca to pray about it at bedtime the second day and she told me that those things are extremely common in this area of Europe. She said, "well that is silly to carry it around all this time." :) She prayed boldly and with authority in Jesus name for me and I feel some of the burden lifted. Rebecca also said that I need to strengthen my spiritual armor, so I have been diving into Ephesians 6 and feel like I have been really learning to "pray at all times in the Spirit, with prayer and supplication." Every time I feel the heat of accusation or the whisper in my ear questioning God's goodness, sovereignty, and love; I just shoot it right back up to the Lord and submit it to him.
I'm not going to lie. It is hard and it is exhausting, but it is so good. I have been reading and re-reading Romans 8 and abiding in, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Ah, what relief! What a refuge! I have received the spirit of adoption as his child and I can cry "Abba Father!" I am helped in my weakness and I am interceded for by the Spirit. "If God is for me, who can be against me?" Who can bring any charge against me? "It is God who justifies. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.
I am being filled to the brim and running over. The Father is breaking and healing my heart repeatedly here and filling me with his joy and his strength. It is exhausting and mind blowing and shattering; it is amazing and miraculous and joyous that the Father would care to discipline me, to change me and grow me as he is doing.
It is amazing, when you stop complaining and start thanking the Lord for everything, even the seemingly bad things, how much there is to be thankful for and how much of everything I have is a blessing and not a right.
I love this place, I love these people, and I am so thankful for them and how God is using them and this place to change my heart and glorify himself. Oh, and how much more there is to come. :)
Shane & Shane
"Embracing Accusation"
"The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation
Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!
He redeemed us from the curse of the law."
I am learning so much practically, all the care taking duties, medicine schedules, trying to pick up some french, and just a lot of little details. But I feel like I am learning so much more spiritually. My spirit was so exhausted yesterday evening and I was so overwhelmed with everything the Father is teaching me. It is definitely all good, but sometimes I just don't know how in the world to take it all in.
I have been struggling the past several days with a bit of spiritual oppression. The first day it was an encompassing sense of sadness, not really about anything in particular, but over everything. The second day it was a sense of accusation and guilt. Yesterday, I was tempted to question God about everything. I am learning so much and growing so much, but I can feel the tempter feeling his way around and trying to find my weak spot, trying to get me to despair over everything. I think he knows he is losing. (These are things that I struggle with a lot of the time, but never in such an overwhelming sense in quite a while. That is why I think it is spiritual warfare. Just in case you were wondering. :) )
I asked Rebecca to pray about it at bedtime the second day and she told me that those things are extremely common in this area of Europe. She said, "well that is silly to carry it around all this time." :) She prayed boldly and with authority in Jesus name for me and I feel some of the burden lifted. Rebecca also said that I need to strengthen my spiritual armor, so I have been diving into Ephesians 6 and feel like I have been really learning to "pray at all times in the Spirit, with prayer and supplication." Every time I feel the heat of accusation or the whisper in my ear questioning God's goodness, sovereignty, and love; I just shoot it right back up to the Lord and submit it to him.
I'm not going to lie. It is hard and it is exhausting, but it is so good. I have been reading and re-reading Romans 8 and abiding in, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Ah, what relief! What a refuge! I have received the spirit of adoption as his child and I can cry "Abba Father!" I am helped in my weakness and I am interceded for by the Spirit. "If God is for me, who can be against me?" Who can bring any charge against me? "It is God who justifies. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.
I am being filled to the brim and running over. The Father is breaking and healing my heart repeatedly here and filling me with his joy and his strength. It is exhausting and mind blowing and shattering; it is amazing and miraculous and joyous that the Father would care to discipline me, to change me and grow me as he is doing.
It is amazing, when you stop complaining and start thanking the Lord for everything, even the seemingly bad things, how much there is to be thankful for and how much of everything I have is a blessing and not a right.
I love this place, I love these people, and I am so thankful for them and how God is using them and this place to change my heart and glorify himself. Oh, and how much more there is to come. :)
Shane & Shane
"Embracing Accusation"
"The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation
Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!
He redeemed us from the curse of the law."
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
WHAT....um, Ok
I still have so far to go.
I have been learning SO much about trusting the Lord and putting the sin of worry to death, but seriously, the moment I started to think, "I am doing good, way to go Katina," I was majorly humbled.
Preparation for this upcoming (ten days!) trip has been humbling. I feel inadequate to go and serve and I have felt completely incapable of getting myself there. Since I had been sick and not working at all up till several weeks ago (doing much better since going to the doc, by the way) I didn't have much to save up, but I did what I could. I have been blessed in that I have a family whose view of money is that it is the Lord's and not theirs and that they are ready and willing to help in the situation that we are in. But it has been extremely humbling not being able to provide much for myself.
The moment I started to trust in what little riches I had, God reminded me that it is not riches that I need to trust in to get me where I need to go, but him. I thought that I had come so far in learning to trust the Lord, but as soon the rug was pulled from under my feet, I responded in anger and distrust.
Today I am repenting and not cursing the IRS, but trying to remember Who has my time in His hands, and trying to be thankful for another moment to grow and trust. A moment to remember my complete inadequacy and remember His complete sufficiency. A moment to remember what the Goal and the Prize is that I should be running to, and that it has much less to do with my own comfort and security here and much more to do with eternal glory for my God, who deserves every last drop of it.
I have been learning SO much about trusting the Lord and putting the sin of worry to death, but seriously, the moment I started to think, "I am doing good, way to go Katina," I was majorly humbled.
Preparation for this upcoming (ten days!) trip has been humbling. I feel inadequate to go and serve and I have felt completely incapable of getting myself there. Since I had been sick and not working at all up till several weeks ago (doing much better since going to the doc, by the way) I didn't have much to save up, but I did what I could. I have been blessed in that I have a family whose view of money is that it is the Lord's and not theirs and that they are ready and willing to help in the situation that we are in. But it has been extremely humbling not being able to provide much for myself.
The moment I started to trust in what little riches I had, God reminded me that it is not riches that I need to trust in to get me where I need to go, but him. I thought that I had come so far in learning to trust the Lord, but as soon the rug was pulled from under my feet, I responded in anger and distrust.
Today I am repenting and not cursing the IRS, but trying to remember Who has my time in His hands, and trying to be thankful for another moment to grow and trust. A moment to remember my complete inadequacy and remember His complete sufficiency. A moment to remember what the Goal and the Prize is that I should be running to, and that it has much less to do with my own comfort and security here and much more to do with eternal glory for my God, who deserves every last drop of it.
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