A house of peace

Paul and Rebecca told us that when people walk in their home they notice a difference. Many nurses have told them how peaceful their home is. Just yesterday, I heard the same from a new visitor. And it truly is. The Lord is greatly present here (not that he isn't present everywhere, but there is a weight lifted here and everyone can feel it).

Here are a few pictures of this lovely peace-filled house that we live in.

This is our room. I was going to wait to take a picture until we cleaned it up, but it seems to live in a perpetual state of messiness, so what the heck.

 The third floor landing where our room is located. Thirty-two steps. :) I usually try to take them two at a time. I'm grateful for the workout.

 The lovely view from the third floor window.

 The clock tower that rings on the hour and half-hour everyday.

 Going down.

 The houses across the street from us. Second floor landing view.

 The second floor

 Kayla hopes to get in some good practice on this piano.

 The piano is in this same room. This is the second floor family room. Out of those doors is a lovely little balcony where I like to sit a read. A friend of Haven's is staying in this room right now.

 Blue front door.

 There is a super cool basement going down under the stairs.

 The front room. I enjoy reading in here, especially in the morning.

 The kitchen 

 Looking out of the kitchen to the dining area (which we hardly use) and sitting area.

 The back patio. I can't wait for full blown spring when we will eat out here.

 Rebecca's room is always filled with flowers.

 Haha, this isn't much of a picture, but this is the ledge outside of Rebecca's room where we put birdseed every morning. I keep trying to get pictures of them, but they fly away so fast! I love watching all the different kinds of birds come and grab a snack here.

 Part of the lovely garden on a (rare) sunny day. Rebecca told us to go get out in the garden since it was so nice and we were both feeling a bit restless. So I traipsed about for a while and took some pictures for fun. It was so lovely basking in the sun and hearing all the birds sing.

Looking back at the house from the edge of the yard.

Flowers are coming!!!

Tulips coming up.

SO peaceful.

Just a bit of spring coming early. :)

I love this quaint woodshed in the back

This is a school playground behind the backyard. We hear kids playing all day.

Almost all of the doors have skeleton keys to turn the lock. I love it.

We see many of these birds outside of Rebecca's room. They are my favorite.

They are elusive little guys.

Enjoying the Word in the garden

The doggies. :)

There you go! I'm sure there will be many more in the future.

FYI, we finally made it to the lake today without getting lost once! Pictures to come later.

Grace through trial

My mind is bursting with all that I am learning. I feel like a balloon that is about to pop.

I am learning so much practically, all the care taking duties, medicine schedules, trying to pick up some french, and just a lot of little details. But I feel like I am learning so much more spiritually. My spirit was so exhausted yesterday evening and I was so overwhelmed with everything the Father is teaching me. It is definitely all good, but sometimes I just don't know how in the world to take it all in.

I have been struggling the past several days with a bit of spiritual oppression. The first day it was an encompassing sense of sadness, not really about anything in particular, but over everything. The second day it was a sense of accusation and guilt. Yesterday, I was tempted to question God about everything. I am learning so much and growing so much, but I can feel the tempter feeling his way around and trying to find my weak spot, trying to get me to despair over everything. I think he knows he is losing. (These are things that I struggle with a lot of the time, but never in such an overwhelming sense in quite a while. That is why I think it is spiritual warfare. Just in case you were wondering. :)  )

I asked Rebecca to pray about it at bedtime the second day and she told me that those things are extremely common in this area of Europe. She said, "well that is silly to carry it around all this time." :) She prayed boldly and with authority in Jesus name for me and I feel some of the burden lifted. Rebecca also said that I need to strengthen my spiritual armor, so I have been diving into Ephesians 6 and feel like I have been really learning to "pray at all times in the Spirit, with prayer and supplication." Every time I feel the heat of accusation or the whisper in my ear questioning God's goodness, sovereignty, and love; I just shoot it right back up to the Lord and submit it to him.

I'm not going to lie. It is hard and it is exhausting, but it is so good. I have been reading and re-reading Romans 8 and abiding in, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Ah, what relief! What a refuge! I have received the spirit of adoption as his child and I can cry "Abba Father!" I am helped in my weakness and I am interceded for by the Spirit. "If God is for me, who can be against me?" Who can bring any charge against me? "It is God who justifies. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.

I am being filled to the brim and running over. The Father is breaking and healing my heart repeatedly here and filling me with his joy and his strength. It is exhausting and mind blowing and shattering; it is amazing and miraculous and joyous that the Father would care to discipline me, to change me and grow me as he is doing.

It is amazing, when you stop complaining and start thanking the Lord for everything, even the seemingly bad things, how much there is to be thankful for and how much of everything I have is a blessing and not a right.

I love this place, I love these people, and I am so thankful for them and how God is using them and this place to change my heart and glorify himself.  Oh, and how much more there is to come. :)


Shane & Shane  

"Embracing Accusation"

"The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!

He redeemed us from the curse of the law."

getting into the groove

March 9
I know that I am going to love it here. Today has already been a bit better as we are getting into the swing of things. Sleep is still rough and we are still exhausted at the end of the day, but getting to know the people around us more makes it all worthwhile.

Last night there was a full moon and Annie came to tell Rebecca and try to get her where she could see it. We already had Rebecca in bed to go to sleep, but Annie unplugged the bed and we all tried to get it at the right angle so Rebecca could see. Kayla and I sat on the floor next to Rebecca's bed and watched the moon together. I was brought to tears with the grace and Godliness of this woman. She thanked the Lord for being able to see the moon and she told us stories about stargazing and moon-watching with her children and with friends in Africa. She praises the Lord for everything. The good and the bad. The Lord is teaching me to do the same through her.

We are going to begin a Bible study with her soon and are both really excited about it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

March 10
Today Kayla and I tried to go see the Chateau du Lac for the second time and for the second time, ended up going in the opposite direction we wanted to go. In the Rain. We basically just wandered around and looked at houses, trying not to feel miserable as we were getting soaked. We packed lunches to eat at the lake and made ourselves look all pretty so we could take pictures and look like exciting and adventurous tourists having a picturesque lunch by a castle. Nope. Instead we took pictures of houses and doors and our wet faces.

As we were walking, we both were getting increasingly cranky and I was complaining internally and externally. We did not understand why we could not find the dang lake and why we got all excited to get out, just for it to rain and us to look gross. I have been convicted about my grumbling lately. I am a stark contrast to Rebecca's shining example in being thankful.

Kayla and I both prayed out loud while we walked, entrusting our situation to the Lord and both of us thanked Him for it. If anything, this little outing gave us a chance to practice thankfulness in every situation and gave us a chance to feel like stupid American tourists.

I think, next time we will make it and have some lovely pictures of the Chateau du Lac, but for now, here are some Belgian doors, and houses, and streets, and walls. :)

Love this color

Also very nice

Every door was a different color and style

 

So much nicer than our cookie-cutter American style

Finding our way back home

This is me pulling up my pants and not being very excited to take a picture.

Kayla, standing against a Belgian wall

Near the town center where we made the wrong turn

Made it safely back home. 

Some other perks from today were getting beautiful flowers from Paul (he bought all the ladies in the house flowers today, the biggest bouquet for Rebecca, of course) and watching more of Downton Abby tonight. We are on the fifth episode in the first series and we all love it. I love that our taste in movies matches up pretty well. :)

Kayla and I made new strides in care giving today and are thanking the Lord for his grace in it. Oh, He is good.

Homesick zombies make feeble attempts at the learning...you know...stuff

I had no idea jet lag could be this bad. When people would talk about it I would think, "big deal, you just stay up all day and then go to bed when you are supposed to and then everything will be fine." Wow, oh wow, was I wrong. Yesterday I felt like the living dead all day and I went to bed right after dinner so I could be competent enough to do the midnight turn. I don't think I have ever been to bed at seven before. I feel like I am in a constant fog, even if I have slept enough, and I haven't been able to sleep very well.

Kayla and I both couldn't sleep last night, so we got to talk for a bit. It was the first extended conversation we've had since we got here.

Yesterday was our first day without Jordan; I think it was rougher on us because of that. I feel like I am constantly doing something wrong and always have to be corrected. I know that I am just learning, and Rebecca is extremely gracious, but I am hard on myself and want to do everything perfectly the first time around. Especially since I am so tired, I don't get things as fast as I normally would and I am slow to move or slow to hear what I am asked to do. Then there are the times when there are a bit of a cultural barrier and I am looking for something that I know of as one thing by the same name and it turns out to be something completely different. *sigh*

I think I automatically see disapproving glances and think others don't think well of me because I am so frustrated with myself, whether they are really there or not. Pray for us to be gracious, especially when we are tired and frustrated with ourselves that we aren't learning faster. Pray for graciousness to be extended to us when we are slow to act or comprehend. Pray for us to get into the groove of things quickly and please, please, please, pray for our bodies to adjust to the time quickly and for us to feel totally well.

Rebecca is lovely and we are enjoying getting to know her and Paul. It is great living with people who are so in love with the Lord and extend grace to everyone around them. I am already so thankful for their presence in our lives and I feel that the Lord will teach us much through them.

This morning was a bit of a whirlwind as we were getting ready for visitors to come to tea. Kayla and I briefly met the First Prince and Princess of Belgium this morning! Pretty cool. They came to pray with Paul and Rebecca about the Prayer Breakfasts that Paul started here in Belgium. We also met another of Paul's friends who was very kind and spoke to us for a bit. I think that he is the pastor over the Prayer Breakfast here.

The more we do everything, I'm sure it will get easier. It is just the firsts of everything that is very hard. We both cannot believe that this is only the fifth day of us being here. It feels like an eternity right now. I just have to get through each moment, I cannot even think of getting through this one day, or I feel like I will fall over. I have to plead for grace and strength from the Lord for every moment, for every unpleasant task, and for everything I feel unqualified for.

I am learning so much and am doing things waaaaaaaaaay outside my comfort zone. Sometimes I am barely making it and sometimes I can smile through it. Each time in the Word is becoming precious and I am learning to lean on the Lord for strength in every moment. I read Isaiah 40 this morning as I was quickly eating breakfast and was encouraged that the Lord says,

"Comfort, comfort, my people..."1

"The grass withers, the flower fade when the breath of the LORD blows on it. surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever." 7-8

"Behold, the Lord GOD comes with might,  and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him. He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." 10-11




"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." 28-31 (All ESV)

The Word is becoming more of a balm and strength to my tired soul every day.

I have also never understood true homesickness until now. Last night I just wanted to hug my Mom and have a good cry, and remembered that she is way on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, plus more than halfway across America. Hopefully, we will be able to find a time to skype soon, but our different schedules plus the eight hour time difference make things difficult. I have gotten to talk to my brothers a bit, which was nice We can receive texts for free, but can't really send many back. If any of you wanted to text us, that would be fine. :)

Miss all of you and praying that the Lord is working in your lives as He is certainly moving in ours.

Love!

If...

One of the few books I brought with me is Amy Carmichael's "If; What do I know of Calvary Love?" It is a little book of poems that has encouraged me throughout the years and I was led to bring it with me. I have read a bit today and here are some passages that have encouraged me and convicted me:

"If I do not feel far more for the grieved Saviour than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I put my own happiness before the well-being of the work entrusted to me; if, though I have received much mercy, I faint, I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into the vice of self-pity and self-sympathy; if I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve around myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have "a heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold. I do not shut the door, and in the power of Him who works in us to will and to do, keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I am inconsiderate about the comfort of others, or their feelings, or even of their little weaknesses; if I am careless about their little hurts and miss opportunities to smooth their way; if I make the sweet running of household wheels more difficult to accomplish, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I become entangled in any "inordinate affection"; if things or places or people hold me back from obedience to my Lord, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If something I am asked to do for another feels burdensome; if, yielding to an inward unwillingness, I avoid doing it, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I slip into the place that can be filled with Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

"If I refuse to be a corn of wheat that falls to the ground and dies ("is separated from all in which it lived before"), then I know nothing of Calvary love."


Father is showing me that my time is not my own, here or anywhere else. He is showing me my own heart of selfishness and laziness. He is showing me how much of my thoughts are occupied with myself and my desires. My heart and attitudes are being greatly challenged here. The Father has much to teach me and I am ready to learn and to change.

I feel I have come to a point where much has been taken away. I have been emptied and I am ready to be filled. These past years my loves, desires, plans, finances, and health have been torn down. I am in a new place quite out of my comfort zone and I have only the Lord's strength to lean on. This will surely be a time of more tearing down of the idols of my heart, of the foundation made of sand that I have built up for myself, and a time of building up the foundation of Rock that I must always stand on and willingly submitting to the Lord who rightfully belongs on the throne of my heart.

May He become greater and I become less.

Initial Observations

Ohmygoodness. I am in Europe. Pretty exciting. We had a crazy nineteen hours of traveling and went thirty-two hours on about four hours of sleep. We both went to bed around 8:30 last night and slept for eight hours straight, woke up around 4:30 and went back to sleep until 9:00. I am still tired, but doing better than I thought I would be.

It has been fairly chilly and wet since we got here yesterday. It snowed this morning, which was lovely and it has been misty and grey ever since.The architecture here is lovely and quaint. Everything is green and beautiful. We went to the grocery store this afternoon with our friend Jordan and got to see Waterloo.

I love seeing all the signs in French and loved hearing strangers speak it around me. I am hoping to learn some while we are here. It is such a lovely language. So musical and much more pleasant to hear than English, I think.

We have been watching Jordan all day to learn what we will be doing and so far nothing looks too scary. I think I will be more overwhelmed when Jordan leaves. I think Rebecca will make everything easy though. She is such a sweetheart. I have already been able to share with her about some things that I have been though and have already been encouraged by her. She just emanates the Lord's grace. I know that, even though I will be daunted with the tasks and exhausted a lot of the time (especially in the first couple of weeks), it will be a joy to serve her.

I am very tired and not feeling too well right now, but the Lord has been and will continue to be my strength and my comfort. Thanks for praying. :)


P.S. This blog post took twice as long as normal because my dyslexia gets worse when I am tired. I think I had to retype every five words or so. :/

P.P.S. I haven't taken any pictures yet, but I will do so soon and put some up when I can.

Travel Plans

Three and a half hours until we leave for the airport. Then a crazy long day of flights and transfers. Albuquerque to Chicago to London to Brussels. Running on little sleep and half-dead feet, we will make it. Tomorrow evening we will be in Belgium (in whatever state). This is crazy.

Please be praying for us and we will keep you updated as best as we can! We love you and will miss you all (you know who you are)!

WHAT....um, Ok

I still have so far to go.
I have been learning SO much about trusting the Lord and putting the sin of worry to death, but seriously, the moment I started to think, "I am doing good, way to go Katina," I was majorly humbled.
Preparation for this upcoming (ten days!) trip has been humbling. I feel inadequate to go and serve and I have felt completely incapable of getting myself there. Since I had been sick and not working at all up till several weeks ago (doing much better since going to the doc, by the way) I didn't have much to save up, but I did what I could. I have been blessed in that I have a family whose view of money is that it is the Lord's and not theirs and that they are ready and willing to help in the situation that we are in. But it has been extremely humbling not being able to provide much for myself.
The moment I started to trust in what little riches I had, God reminded me that it is not riches that I need to trust in to get me where I need to go, but him. I thought that I had come so far in learning to trust the Lord, but as soon the rug was pulled from under my feet, I responded in anger and distrust.
Today I am repenting and not cursing the IRS, but trying to remember Who has my time in His hands, and trying to be thankful for another moment to grow and trust. A moment to remember my complete inadequacy and remember His complete sufficiency. A moment to remember what the Goal and the Prize is that I should be running to, and that it has much less to do with my own comfort and security here and much more to do with eternal glory for my God, who deserves every last drop of it.

Learning Processes

Ahh music. I am slowly learning music theory and working on the guitar and most recently the soprano ukelele. I am am getting past some of those fears that I have talked about before and just putting my nose to the grindstone to learn. I am seeing that all things are a process and I cannot expect immediate perfection or I will always fail. I am learning to enjoy the journey. It makes my brain hurt. Music theory and notation right now is like another language to me. I'm also working on some paintings, but that has been a bit more slow going.

Here are some things that inspire me and keep me going:

1.  A recent love, Lisa Hannigan

                    If you don't want to watch the whole thing, at least listen to this song:

                                                                       "Little Bird"

2. Anything Chris Thile does

                                                "Another New World," by Josh Ritter

                                            This is the same song, but with the whole band.
                                        (Have I ever said how much I love Punch Brothers?)

                                                            Bach's "E Major Prelude"         
Ok, I guess that's enough Chris Thile for now. (But seriously, can you ever have enough?)

3. The Civil Wars

                                                                       Just amazing

4. Vincent Van Gough

                                       One of my favorites: "Starry Night Over the Rhone"
It is amazing how many paintings he churned out in such short amounts of time. It is amazing how he pursed his passion even through dealing with major depression and probably some mental illness.
I recently started a giant biography about him, "Van Gogh: The Life," by Stephan Naifeh and Gregory White Smith, and am excited to really delve into it.
    
5. Mae Chevrette
She is a modern mixed media artist and photographer. She has a shop on etsy and a blog that I follow. Her pieces never cease to inspire and her ability to support herself as a full time artist is pretty amazing.

                                          This is one of my favorites, "Find the Beautiful."

The deal with doctors

I am about to do what I possibly dread most in all of life.
Go to the doctor.
Doctors and I do not have a great history.
When I was little my mom would never tell me that we were going to get shots until we were in the parking lot. I'm sure it was killer to get me inside. My 2nd mom (as I affectionately like to call her) would have to come to back my mom up, basically to drag me through the door.
I'm sure there were many times this happened, but the one I most keenly remember was when I was about 7 or 8, I think.
I had to be coaxed through the office door as usual, but I got a bit smarter and tried to appear a bit more calm. When we were called back I let Kayla (my dear older sister) go first and as soon as everyone had their back turned I ran. I think my escape was pretty short lived, but I remember it being pretty awesome. Adrenaline pulse through my veins as I ran and hid. I think I made it to the opposite side of the back of the office, with the door to the waiting room in sight. I bolted for the door, but was caught mid-sprint by my dear 2nd mom, Kathy. 
Once taken back to the room I had to be held down so they could administer the shots.
I still hate, hate, hate, needles. 

Given that I do not have any great affection for doctors, my track record in keeping myself away from them is not so great.

I broke my arm in the 3rd grade by jumping out of a swing. We were having a contest to see who could land the farthest away from the swings and I had to win. I thought that height must equal distance, so I jumped off at the highest point possible and sailed through the air to my supposed victory, and landed quite inefficiently on my elbow.  My mom said that they could hear the crack of it breaking.

I ended up having surgery to fish a chip of my growth plate out of my arm so it could be put back in its proper place. I am happy to report that I have two correctly proportioned arms.

We never really went to the doctor that much. I still don't go unless I am really sick or have injured myself.

The next huge thing I remember was slicing my leg open on a recliner. A recliner.
I was sitting in it and decided to get up, and didn't put the leg rest down to do so. Apparently there was some kind of rod in the leg rest that was coated in plastic except for the end, which happened to be razor sharp. I ended up with a gaping and bleeding wound from that tumble with the recliner. We went to a minor emergency center to get it stitched up and they did a horrible job of it. They gave me two numbing shots and hardly gave them time to work before stitching up my leg with thirteen stitches for a three inch long cut. I now have a caterpillar-like scar as a result. I have named him George. Pronounced in the French way of course. 

I've done pretty well in the injury category since then, I think. No surgery or stitches necessary at least. Some ridiculous things like sprained big toes, fainting out of chairs and hitting my face on table legs, and sitting in an already broken chair which resulted in many bruises and whiplash. Plus, some pretty necessary dental work, like getting my wisdom teeth out, and oh yeah, jaw surgery. 

Most of my life I have viewed doctors as an annoying and painful step to fixing an injury or improving an illness, and usually I like to tough it out and get over whatever is ailing me without them, but at this stage in my life I have decided that it is time for me to grow up and try to see doctors as a necessary help instead of the-thing-that-plagues-my-existence-and-must-avoid-at-all-cost.

I have been getting sick pretty frequently over the past year and even more frequently over the past six months. This has thrown major kinks in my plans of getting a steady job and earning money for upcoming travel, but it has been good in the effects of making me more aware of how I am treating my body, making changes, and finally seeking help for it.

True to my dramatic, a bit hypochondriac self, I have WebMD'ed it up and have been freaking out about all the possible immune system attacking diseases I might have, but really I am hoping that it might be something as simple (or not so simple really) as food allergies or hormone imbalances. The worst answer would be "we don't know" or "nothing." There needs to be something tangible wrong with me so they can fix it!

 All this to say, I am actually looking forward to going to the doctor next week to hopefully get some answers and make some more healthy changes before I embark on the World Travel Adventure of 2012.

The Good Things

I tend to be pretty unemotional and suppress any unwelcome feelings, which ends up making me a bit Spock-ish (see Star Trek) about everything. I am also very analytical and live very much in my own head. That is a big reason why I started this blog and also a big reason for my infrequency in posting. I often don't share about my life to a fault and blogging has helped me be a bit more open. But because I have been working through a great many things most of my posts are quite introspective and a bit dreary. In light of that I want to share some things I am thankful for (in no particular order).

1. Mothers, particularly my own.

I worked as a nanny for the majority of 2011 and my sister and I moved out of our parent's home in August of 2011; both experiences gave me a better appreciation of mothers in general, but I have been extremely thankful for my own mother's wisdom this past year. She has always been someone that I could talk to, but I don't think that I have always valued her wisdom, experience, and input as I do now. Thanks Mom. :)

2. My Dad

The same goes for my Dad. I have never appreciated his practicality and his work ethic as much as I do now. I am so grateful for his provision, protection, and his wisdom. I have really come to respect and love my Daddy. Thanks Dad.

3. My siblings

These are my favorite people in the world. We have so much fun together and I love being able to talk as adults now. I cannot imagine living away from them! They are my best friends.

4. Books

I have been trying to expand my readership of classic fiction and have been greatly enjoying the journey. I just finished The Hobbit in anticipation of the movie coming out at the end of this year and am planning to read The Lord of the Rings trilogy again this year. My all-time favorites are Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, and Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, but I have also enjoyed Villette by Charlotte Bronte, Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, several Jane Austin novels, and have reread The Chronicles of Narnia by the dear Clive Staples Lewis. There are many unread classics on my bookshelf by Twain, Barrie, Doyle, O'Connor, and others which I am greatly looking forward to reading.

5. Really good music

A lot of music these days is so senseless and processed that it really has no appeal to me. Don't get me started on Lady Gag(a). I appreciate musicians who really know music, can write technically proficient songs, and actually have great voices without any electronic help. Punch Brothers, Ray LaMontagne, Mumford and Sons, and The Civil Wars, are just a few artists who do this. I've recently been stuck on Matthew And The Atlas, and James Vincent McMorrow.

6. British Television
I love shows that make you think while still being hilarious. A Little Bit of Fry and Laurie is one of those. Oh, and Doctor Who...it's just my favorite show ever. EVER. Mostly the David Tennant seasons. They also do great adaptations of classic fiction. Pride and Prejudice, and North and South are my favorite miniseries right now.

7. The view from my front door

8. The upcoming trip to Belgium
Though there are many things that I am worried about I am extremely excited for all that I am going to see and learn. I have already read Rebecca's book, Falling Into His Grace and have learned so much from it. I am excited to live with Paul and Rebecca, serve them, and learn from them. I am also hoping that the Lord will provide for us to be able to see some of the surrounding countries before we come back across the pond.

9. My Church
I am thankful for a Church that faithfully adheres to the Word of God and is a place where I can fellowship with others, and serve where I am gifted.

10. The Unknown

I am a major control freak and the threat of the unknown is terrifying to me, but I am learning to trust God more and more with each circumstance that requires me to admit my weakness and limited knowledge.

Ostriches, Hermits, Onions, and Stone

Stubborn layers that peel back with a squeak of protest, or a block of stone for a sculpture that is chipped away every day and barely begins to show its form. This is what I feel like as I am getting to know the Lord and seeing my heart more as it really is. Every day is a fight and struggle to not run away from the peeling and the chipping. It is so easy to run away. I like to be an ostrich sometimes, burying my head in the sand because I like the view there better than the fear of something that is above the surface. Or maybe a hermit is a better example, hiding in a cave and isolating myself from the threat of discovery and being known. Sometimes feeling alone is better than trying, or better than the threat of the unknown. But after a while the head-in-the-sand and the cave are no longer sanctuaries, but are just what they are, a hole in the ground and stone walls.

I haven't always been like this. I think I used to run to good things. It didn't happen all at once. After different kinds of heartbreak I think I thought if I protected myself from the things that cause the pain I wouldn't have to be hurt anymore. So I started to bury things and hid when anything seemed too threatening.

I've been going through a counseling class at my church, and started with the idea that I would learn how to help others work through pain and difficult circumstances, help them uncover their root desires and struggles, but instead I have been working through the caverns of my own struggles, uncovering wrong desires and beliefs, and buried pain. It has been hard.

I went through a counseling class before with The Master's College and started with the same assumptions and ended up working with my own struggles in the same way, but I was taking it online and I didn't really have to share with anyone what I was working through. I just had to get through the assignments and get the grade.

With this class at my church we are split into groups and we have to discuss the curriculum and discuss what it is working in our hearts. This is a group of people that I hardly knew to begin with and did not want to share with in the beginning. I still have a hard time opening up, but I am so thankful that I have had to. I have come to really love these people because they listen, they care, and they are also working through things. I appreciate their transparency and their genuineness.

It is really easy to play the church game sometimes and try to appear like we have it all together. I like to think that I don't need anyone and am strong enough on my own. Really, I don't want to need God either, but oh goodness, do I ever.

The things I like to run away from are the things that show me my weaknesses: people, God, and His Word; pursuing things I love and want to grow in like painting, drawing, writing, learning guitar and making my own music. These things reveal my true heart. They show me my pride and my fear. They show me my inability to be my own strength and control what is around me. I have rarely really pushed into these things to see where I can go with them, because it is hard. 

This year has been hard. These past five years have been hard. They have been years of loss, pain, depression, and running away. A lot of things that I have hoped in have been taken away; things that I put my comfort, security, and identity in. They have been years of wrong belief and bitterness and failure. It certainly has not all been bad. I have had joys, happy moments, and have been growing and learning, but there has been a lot of chipping away.

This process of sanctification is long, it is hard, but it is good. Not all pain is bad.

At this side of things, I can tell you what I have lost; the bad things I have run to, the mistakes I have made, and the wrong things I have believed, but mostly I can tell you that at the end of it all there is Christ. All these struggles show me what I am, and what I need to be. They show me who I need to be in Christ. I can run all I want and I can hide all I want; but when I finally come to the point when I just have to deal with the brokenness, the loneliness, and the pain that I have stored up and locked away over all these years; even when I believe that He is absolutely sovereign and absolutely good, but I don't feel like He is good to me; I have to run to Jesus. Because at the end of these things and at the end of myself, He is all there is. If I never achieve my dreams, if I never find love, or have children, or travel the world I still have Him. If I lose everything and everyone, I will still have Him. And that is good.

Pain has a purpose. I can continue to avoid it and pretend like it doesn't exist, or I can let it achieve its purpose and turn to Christ. I pray that this upcoming year is one where I fight to turn the struggles to Christ and reap the fruit that comes from that. Every step into dealing with my burdens and working to confront the things I run away from is a step toward Christ and toward change; I become more like Him and less like my stubborn, feeble self.  This is best.

If you have made it this far thanks for reading all these musings. Love you all, and praying that you treasure Christ this Christmas. If you are struggling or don't see what the big deal about Jesus is, feel free to talk to me. Drop me a line and let me know what is going on with you and how I can pray for you/with you.

Christ is all, friends. Wherever you are in life and no matter what you are going through, I hope that you discover this and I hope that you will fight for this. We need Him and we need trials, struggles, people, and pain to see that truth. Sometimes it is hard to see that through the haze of our circumstances, but I pray that we will fight for it and I pray that we will not fight for it alone.

The business of living

I have not written for over half a year and I have many good excuses and some ridiculous ones that all involve my life, mental health, growth, and failures. I shall not make a long list of them here. I shall instead tell of my life and it's recent developments and I think my absence from this world will be explained.

I was working toward something. I had a plan. I nearly always have a long term life plan and they usually always fail. When I was a young senior in High School it had something to do with traveling the world, saving orphans from evil warlords, and somehow managing to be brilliant at everything. I had no idea how I was going to get where I wanted to go, but I knew that I would get there eventually. A super-missionary badass was what I wanted to be (though at that time I wouldn't have used as colorful a description) and I had the most unwavering faith that I would someday be in Uganda, scooping up abandoned children with one burly (but feminine) arm while bringing horrid tyrants to justice with my other fist. This was my dream and as far as I was concerned would be my literal future, but if I have learned anything so far in this life it is that things never go as we plan. 

That dream faded into the background after I moved with my family eight months after I graduated. At the time I was excited and sad to go. I was ready for a change, ready for escape, but once the smoke cleared and the reality of it all set in I realized that I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I think that my world was so small before and my experiences so limited, I thought that even though I dreamed of new things my life would be relatively constant.

I took classes from CNM and then transferred to The Master's College and started taking online classes, all the time planning to eventually get to the physical college in California and major in biblical counseling, but somewhere in there the impracticality of coming from a middle class family, not dealing with money wisely, and $38,000 in tuition hit me over the head like a two-ton brick. I still took some more online classes, because it was least something to do, and I think at that time it was where the Lord wanted me. I started the first semester at TMC excited to delve into theology and excited to learn, but mostly I was excited to get where I was going. By the end of my second ten week semester of only two classes I was getting burnt out. I failed my biblical counseling final and scraped by on my Old Testament survey final, so I should have known better than to immediately go into another semester. Before I hit mid-terms, even with only one class, I was already burnt out (charred-and-toasty burnt out). My brain just shut down and I was done. I dropped out and was mentally exhausted.

That was five months ago and I still have no idea what I am doing next.

During all this I was also working part-time as a nanny, which was a wonderful learning experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I loved my kids and loved the family, but it was draining me as well. Plus, after Kayla and I moved out to live in my Grandmother's old house, our work schedules did not work out for sharing our car. So I quit a little over a month ago.

This is my life now. No job, no school, and new responsibilities like paying bills and buying groceries. 

My dwindling bank account and my sister/housemate/main household bread winner are telling me to find a job, and I have been looking, but so far the search has been a pattern of pouring through hundreds of strange and ambiguous craigslist job ads and other job listing sites, writing a very sad and sparse resume, trying to figure out the art of self-promotion, and watching lots of shows on Netflix. No, I do not have at least a year of retail experience; no I have never worked as a barista before, but guess what?! If you hired me I would! Also, I have a great personality, am a team player, am customer service minded, and am an excellent multi-tasker. Instead of telling them what I have done I want to tell them what I want: "I want to be able to pay my bills without smelling like food or children all the time." "I would like a job that will allow me to maintain my current level of sanity."

Other than going through a counseling class at my church, I am doing nothing concerning a life plan. Though it is driving me crazy not having a timeline I think it is ok for now. I mean, did I ever really know what I was doing?

In this in-between time I have been wrestling with God to give me a new plan, to tell me what in the world to do with my life, and this whole time (my entire life really) he has just been trying to give me more of himself. I have been pushing him away because my god was my plan.

In my counseling class I am learning that we all have something that drives us, something that we are looking toward for hope. My future hope has been the fulfillment of my own plans. That is not far enough or big enough. My plans have to die for the moment so I can learn how big they need to be. My future is sure: I will be like Christ in the end. Whole and perfect. My present is hopeful: I am being transformed and renewed day by day. A work in progress.

This is the business of living.

This Too Shall Pass

My dear aunt shared this with me on my last post and it was so encouraging to me that I decided you share it with you as well.

This To Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

...Helen Steiner Rice

I promise I am not yet dead, but my brain might explode at any second

 *DISCLAIMER: This post is random and awful*
Hello my few but dear readers :)
I have missed writing and I hope you have missed me.
I intended to be much more frequent in my posting, but you know how life happens...

I have at least had a couple titles for posts that I have not written in the past month, the first being, "Freaking Out/Why I Am Ridiculous," and the other being, "None of us have it all together, but we like to look like we do." So, even though I never actually wrote those, maybe you can get an idea of what I have been going through.

Firstly, School=CRAZY. Why did no one ever tell me that college would be this hard? Do I not talk to enough people or does no one complain as much as I do? Please tell me it's worth it.
If you don't know, I am taking classes online from The Master's College and Seminary and their online courses have four ten-week semesters with only a week or two break in between them, except between my Fall and Winter semesters I had a break for ten weeks. TEN WEEKS!  This is not normal. Yes, I am complaining about the break AND the semesters, but mostly about the semesters. Everything that I have to do is squished into a short period of time so that by the time I am done I am a heap of exhaustion. I am only in my second semester of this and am trying to figure out if there is any alternative to this crazy mess. Vacation from life please.

Secondly, Bob Ross is the Boss. If you haven't seen The Joy of Painting, then you just don't know. I swear I have never been so excited to watch someone paint on TV before.

Thirdly, I went out and bought some oil paints and canvases because I was so inspired by Bob. Haha! We will see if I can do something exciting with them. I have never painted with oils before, only acrylic. Actually, I don't think I have ever painted anything with structure-collages don't really count in my book. Oh, I have done paintings with watercolor, but that is extremely different.

Fourthly, if anyone has figured out how to balance school, work, family, friends, church, hobbies, their relationship with God, and keep their sanity; PLEASE let me know.

So many things...

Wow, sorry for this...but I am committed to posting...

^This would be the unpolished me^

Just keepin' it real, yo.
Ha.

Valentines Humor

Oh Olan, so true. (And to the fam, this is proof that someone else says "crayon" like I do.)  :)

Dave Barnes classic.

More Dave Barnes goofiness. 

The-places-that-are-not-home

     Life is about moving forward. Time goes in one direction and that is ahead. But sometimes we take moving forward to the extreme and have to constantly be looking for the next best thing. We do this in stages of life: when you are in High School you want to be in college, then in college you want to be married, then when you finally reach that *unreachable, idealistic, glorious, magical end* that is marriage you feel incomplete without a child. It just goes on and on. Having goals is great. But pushing and dreaming for the next best thing to the point where we forget to live and just be is unhealthy and even *gasp* sinful. I do this just as well as others. I am constantly in my own head, dreaming up my next big adventure and dredging up those dreadful "what ifs,"  but I go a step farther and do it with places.

     I always have an idealistic city where I want to go and live independently, where I will accomplish all of my goals and meet all of my unrealized potential, and where I am never discontent with my city that I love as dear as a friend. I think that it will be this supernatural thing when I see my city for the first time. I will get there and see it and just know that I belong. Until I meet that magical place that I feel fits me so well, that makes me feel as comfortable and content as hot coffee on the coldest winter day, I feel like I am dating the places I live, and I suppose that makes the places I visit a weekend fling. 

     I have gone through many cites in my mind and I'm sure they will come back around and be the city of the moment again. But I think it has less to do with the actual city than with the person I want to be and am not now. When I dream about living in these cities I always think of being strong and independent, happy and friendly to all I cross paths with, being a maker and discoverer of beauty, and a person who finds the eternal value in everything she sees and finds joy in the small things. I could probably be that person and do those things just as well in Albuquerque, New Mexico as I could in New York City, Seattle, Chicago, or Los Angeles.

     It's not that I hate the place I live now, or even dislike it. I do like a lot of things about good ol' ABQ, though it did take me awhile. Before I moved here with my dear family I had never lived anywhere else but the place we moved from. I spent the first 18 years of my life living in Norman, Oklahoma. It's the place I knew as home for a long time (and I think deserves a post in itself) and when we moved for the first time something must have broken in me, twisted just the right way to make it snap, to make me forever feel displaced. If we could move from Norman, we could move at any time to any place, so how can I put down roots if I don't know where I belong? Even through this feeling I have learned to like it here, learned to love people here, and let several people know me. Sometimes, though I just can't escape the feeling that there are more worlds to discover.

     So, yes dreaming is good to a point and moving is good (depending on how you look at it), traveling is great, but there is something to be said for staying put and living where you are.

     I think I need to rediscover my current city and be more intentional about looking for beauty in everyday life. After awhile, any place can become normal and mundane, and I'm sure that if I was able to move to New York tomorrow, after 16 months the rose-colored-glasses would come off and I would be looking for a new city to set my dreams on. If I change my mindset my life would follow. This won't happen immediately and I know myself enough to know that I can't really give myself ultimatums. I will still dream about other places and live vicariously through amazing people that get to see amazing things (Read this blog. Read all of it. Start from the beginning.). But I think that this is a small part of a life-long lesson for me. It's only a tiny part of being grateful and thankful for everything that is given to me.

     Eventually maybe I will be able to get to the point of what Jim Elliot said: "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."