Stubborn layers that peel back with a squeak of protest, or a block of stone for a sculpture that is chipped away every day and barely begins to show its form. This is what I feel like as I am getting to know the Lord and seeing my heart more as it really is. Every day is a fight and struggle to not run away from the peeling and the chipping. It is so easy to run away. I like to be an ostrich sometimes, burying my head in the sand because I like the view there better than the fear of something that is above the surface. Or maybe a hermit is a better example, hiding in a cave and isolating myself from the threat of discovery and being known. Sometimes feeling alone is better than trying, or better than the threat of the unknown. But after a while the head-in-the-sand and the cave are no longer sanctuaries, but are just what they are, a hole in the ground and stone walls.
I haven't always been like this. I think I used to run to good things. It didn't happen all at once. After different kinds of heartbreak I think I thought if I protected myself from the things that cause the pain I wouldn't have to be hurt anymore. So I started to bury things and hid when anything seemed too threatening.
I've been going through a counseling class at my church, and started with the idea that I would learn how to help others work through pain and difficult circumstances, help them uncover their root desires and struggles, but instead I have been working through the caverns of my own struggles, uncovering wrong desires and beliefs, and buried pain. It has been hard.
I went through a counseling class before with The Master's College and started with the same assumptions and ended up working with my own struggles in the same way, but I was taking it online and I didn't really have to share with anyone what I was working through. I just had to get through the assignments and get the grade.
With this class at my church we are split into groups and we have to discuss the curriculum and discuss what it is working in our hearts. This is a group of people that I hardly knew to begin with and did not want to share with in the beginning. I still have a hard time opening up, but I am so thankful that I have had to. I have come to really love these people because they listen, they care, and they are also working through things. I appreciate their transparency and their genuineness.
It is really easy to play the church game sometimes and try to appear like we have it all together. I like to think that I don't need anyone and am strong enough on my own. Really, I don't want to need God either, but oh goodness, do I ever.
The things I like to run away from are the things that show me my weaknesses: people, God, and His Word; pursuing things I love and want to grow in like painting, drawing, writing, learning guitar and making my own music. These things reveal my true heart. They show me my pride and my fear. They show me my inability to be my own strength and control what is around me. I have rarely really pushed into these things to see where I can go with them, because it is hard.
This year has been hard. These past five years have been hard. They have been years of loss, pain, depression, and running away. A lot of things that I have hoped in have been taken away; things that I put my comfort, security, and identity in. They have been years of wrong belief and bitterness and failure. It certainly has not all been bad. I have had joys, happy moments, and have been growing and learning, but there has been a lot of chipping away.
This process of sanctification is long, it is hard, but it is good. Not all pain is bad.
At this side of things, I can tell you what I have lost; the bad things I have run to, the mistakes I have made, and the wrong things I have believed, but mostly I can tell you that at the end of it all there is Christ. All these struggles show me what I am, and what I need to be. They show me who I need to be in Christ. I can run all I want and I can hide all I want; but when I finally come to the point when I just have to deal with the brokenness, the loneliness, and the pain that I have stored up and locked away over all these years; even when I believe that He is absolutely sovereign and absolutely good, but I don't feel like He is good to me; I have to run to Jesus. Because at the end of these things and at the end of myself, He is all there is. If I never achieve my dreams, if I never find love, or have children, or travel the world I still have Him. If I lose everything and everyone, I will still have Him. And that is good.
Pain has a purpose. I can continue to avoid it and pretend like it doesn't exist, or I can let it achieve its purpose and turn to Christ. I pray that this upcoming year is one where I fight to turn the struggles to Christ and reap the fruit that comes from that. Every step into dealing with my burdens and working to confront the things I run away from is a step toward Christ and toward change; I become more like Him and less like my stubborn, feeble self. This is best.
If you have made it this far thanks for reading all these musings. Love
you all, and praying that you treasure Christ this Christmas. If you are
struggling or don't see what the big deal about Jesus is, feel free to
talk to me. Drop me a line and let me know what is going on with you and
how I can pray for you/with you.
Christ is all, friends. Wherever you are in life and no matter what you are going through, I hope that you discover this and I hope that you will fight for this. We need Him and we need trials, struggles, people, and pain to see that truth. Sometimes it is hard to see that through the haze of our circumstances, but I pray that we will fight for it and I pray that we will not fight for it alone.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The business of living
I have not written for over half a year and I have many good excuses and some ridiculous ones that all involve my life, mental health, growth, and failures. I shall not make a long list of them here. I shall instead tell of my life and it's recent developments and I think my absence from this world will be explained.
I was working toward something. I had a plan. I nearly always have a long term life plan and they usually always fail. When I was a young senior in High School it had something to do with traveling the world, saving orphans from evil warlords, and somehow managing to be brilliant at everything. I had no idea how I was going to get where I wanted to go, but I knew that I would get there eventually. A super-missionary badass was what I wanted to be (though at that time I wouldn't have used as colorful a description) and I had the most unwavering faith that I would someday be in Uganda, scooping up abandoned children with one burly (but feminine) arm while bringing horrid tyrants to justice with my other fist. This was my dream and as far as I was concerned would be my literal future, but if I have learned anything so far in this life it is that things never go as we plan.
That dream faded into the background after I moved with my family eight months after I graduated. At the time I was excited and sad to go. I was ready for a change, ready for escape, but once the smoke cleared and the reality of it all set in I realized that I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I think that my world was so small before and my experiences so limited, I thought that even though I dreamed of new things my life would be relatively constant.
I took classes from CNM and then transferred to The Master's College and started taking online classes, all the time planning to eventually get to the physical college in California and major in biblical counseling, but somewhere in there the impracticality of coming from a middle class family, not dealing with money wisely, and $38,000 in tuition hit me over the head like a two-ton brick. I still took some more online classes, because it was least something to do, and I think at that time it was where the Lord wanted me. I started the first semester at TMC excited to delve into theology and excited to learn, but mostly I was excited to get where I was going. By the end of my second ten week semester of only two classes I was getting burnt out. I failed my biblical counseling final and scraped by on my Old Testament survey final, so I should have known better than to immediately go into another semester. Before I hit mid-terms, even with only one class, I was already burnt out (charred-and-toasty burnt out). My brain just shut down and I was done. I dropped out and was mentally exhausted.
That was five months ago and I still have no idea what I am doing next.
During all this I was also working part-time as a nanny, which was a wonderful learning experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I loved my kids and loved the family, but it was draining me as well. Plus, after Kayla and I moved out to live in my Grandmother's old house, our work schedules did not work out for sharing our car. So I quit a little over a month ago.
This is my life now. No job, no school, and new responsibilities like paying bills and buying groceries.
My dwindling bank account and my sister/housemate/main household bread winner are telling me to find a job, and I have been looking, but so far the search has been a pattern of pouring through hundreds of strange and ambiguous craigslist job ads and other job listing sites, writing a very sad and sparse resume, trying to figure out the art of self-promotion, and watching lots of shows on Netflix. No, I do not have at least a year of retail experience; no I have never worked as a barista before, but guess what?! If you hired me I would! Also, I have a great personality, am a team player, am customer service minded, and am an excellent multi-tasker. Instead of telling them what I have done I want to tell them what I want: "I want to be able to pay my bills without smelling like food or children all the time." "I would like a job that will allow me to maintain my current level of sanity."
Other than going through a counseling class at my church, I am doing nothing concerning a life plan. Though it is driving me crazy not having a timeline I think it is ok for now. I mean, did I ever really know what I was doing?
In this in-between time I have been wrestling with God to give me a new plan, to tell me what in the world to do with my life, and this whole time (my entire life really) he has just been trying to give me more of himself. I have been pushing him away because my god was my plan.
In my counseling class I am learning that we all have something that drives us, something that we are looking toward for hope. My future hope has been the fulfillment of my own plans. That is not far enough or big enough. My plans have to die for the moment so I can learn how big they need to be. My future is sure: I will be like Christ in the end. Whole and perfect. My present is hopeful: I am being transformed and renewed day by day. A work in progress.
This is the business of living.
I was working toward something. I had a plan. I nearly always have a long term life plan and they usually always fail. When I was a young senior in High School it had something to do with traveling the world, saving orphans from evil warlords, and somehow managing to be brilliant at everything. I had no idea how I was going to get where I wanted to go, but I knew that I would get there eventually. A super-missionary badass was what I wanted to be (though at that time I wouldn't have used as colorful a description) and I had the most unwavering faith that I would someday be in Uganda, scooping up abandoned children with one burly (but feminine) arm while bringing horrid tyrants to justice with my other fist. This was my dream and as far as I was concerned would be my literal future, but if I have learned anything so far in this life it is that things never go as we plan.
That dream faded into the background after I moved with my family eight months after I graduated. At the time I was excited and sad to go. I was ready for a change, ready for escape, but once the smoke cleared and the reality of it all set in I realized that I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I think that my world was so small before and my experiences so limited, I thought that even though I dreamed of new things my life would be relatively constant.
I took classes from CNM and then transferred to The Master's College and started taking online classes, all the time planning to eventually get to the physical college in California and major in biblical counseling, but somewhere in there the impracticality of coming from a middle class family, not dealing with money wisely, and $38,000 in tuition hit me over the head like a two-ton brick. I still took some more online classes, because it was least something to do, and I think at that time it was where the Lord wanted me. I started the first semester at TMC excited to delve into theology and excited to learn, but mostly I was excited to get where I was going. By the end of my second ten week semester of only two classes I was getting burnt out. I failed my biblical counseling final and scraped by on my Old Testament survey final, so I should have known better than to immediately go into another semester. Before I hit mid-terms, even with only one class, I was already burnt out (charred-and-toasty burnt out). My brain just shut down and I was done. I dropped out and was mentally exhausted.
That was five months ago and I still have no idea what I am doing next.
During all this I was also working part-time as a nanny, which was a wonderful learning experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I loved my kids and loved the family, but it was draining me as well. Plus, after Kayla and I moved out to live in my Grandmother's old house, our work schedules did not work out for sharing our car. So I quit a little over a month ago.
This is my life now. No job, no school, and new responsibilities like paying bills and buying groceries.
My dwindling bank account and my sister/housemate/main household bread winner are telling me to find a job, and I have been looking, but so far the search has been a pattern of pouring through hundreds of strange and ambiguous craigslist job ads and other job listing sites, writing a very sad and sparse resume, trying to figure out the art of self-promotion, and watching lots of shows on Netflix. No, I do not have at least a year of retail experience; no I have never worked as a barista before, but guess what?! If you hired me I would! Also, I have a great personality, am a team player, am customer service minded, and am an excellent multi-tasker. Instead of telling them what I have done I want to tell them what I want: "I want to be able to pay my bills without smelling like food or children all the time." "I would like a job that will allow me to maintain my current level of sanity."
Other than going through a counseling class at my church, I am doing nothing concerning a life plan. Though it is driving me crazy not having a timeline I think it is ok for now. I mean, did I ever really know what I was doing?
In this in-between time I have been wrestling with God to give me a new plan, to tell me what in the world to do with my life, and this whole time (my entire life really) he has just been trying to give me more of himself. I have been pushing him away because my god was my plan.
In my counseling class I am learning that we all have something that drives us, something that we are looking toward for hope. My future hope has been the fulfillment of my own plans. That is not far enough or big enough. My plans have to die for the moment so I can learn how big they need to be. My future is sure: I will be like Christ in the end. Whole and perfect. My present is hopeful: I am being transformed and renewed day by day. A work in progress.
This is the business of living.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
This Too Shall Pass
My dear aunt shared this with me on my last post and it was so encouraging to me that I decided you share it with you as well.
If I can endure for this minute
This To Shall Pass
If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-
If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-
If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-
Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains
That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.
...Helen Steiner Rice
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I promise I am not yet dead, but my brain might explode at any second
*DISCLAIMER: This post is random and awful*
Hello my few but dear readers :)
I have missed writing and I hope you have missed me.
I intended to be much more frequent in my posting, but you know how life happens...
I have at least had a couple titles for posts that I have not written in the past month, the first being, "Freaking Out/Why I Am Ridiculous," and the other being, "None of us have it all together, but we like to look like we do." So, even though I never actually wrote those, maybe you can get an idea of what I have been going through.
Firstly, School=CRAZY. Why did no one ever tell me that college would be this hard? Do I not talk to enough people or does no one complain as much as I do? Please tell me it's worth it.
If you don't know, I am taking classes online from The Master's College and Seminary and their online courses have four ten-week semesters with only a week or two break in between them, except between my Fall and Winter semesters I had a break for ten weeks. TEN WEEKS! This is not normal. Yes, I am complaining about the break AND the semesters, but mostly about the semesters. Everything that I have to do is squished into a short period of time so that by the time I am done I am a heap of exhaustion. I am only in my second semester of this and am trying to figure out if there is any alternative to this crazy mess. Vacation from life please.
Secondly, Bob Ross is the Boss. If you haven't seen The Joy of Painting, then you just don't know. I swear I have never been so excited to watch someone paint on TV before.
Thirdly, I went out and bought some oil paints and canvases because I was so inspired by Bob. Haha! We will see if I can do something exciting with them. I have never painted with oils before, only acrylic. Actually, I don't think I have ever painted anything with structure-collages don't really count in my book. Oh, I have done paintings with watercolor, but that is extremely different.
Fourthly, if anyone has figured out how to balance school, work, family, friends, church, hobbies, their relationship with God, and keep their sanity; PLEASE let me know.
So many things...
Wow, sorry for this...but I am committed to posting...
^This would be the unpolished me^
Just keepin' it real, yo.
Ha.
Hello my few but dear readers :)
I have missed writing and I hope you have missed me.
I intended to be much more frequent in my posting, but you know how life happens...
I have at least had a couple titles for posts that I have not written in the past month, the first being, "Freaking Out/Why I Am Ridiculous," and the other being, "None of us have it all together, but we like to look like we do." So, even though I never actually wrote those, maybe you can get an idea of what I have been going through.
Firstly, School=CRAZY. Why did no one ever tell me that college would be this hard? Do I not talk to enough people or does no one complain as much as I do? Please tell me it's worth it.
If you don't know, I am taking classes online from The Master's College and Seminary and their online courses have four ten-week semesters with only a week or two break in between them, except between my Fall and Winter semesters I had a break for ten weeks. TEN WEEKS! This is not normal. Yes, I am complaining about the break AND the semesters, but mostly about the semesters. Everything that I have to do is squished into a short period of time so that by the time I am done I am a heap of exhaustion. I am only in my second semester of this and am trying to figure out if there is any alternative to this crazy mess. Vacation from life please.
Secondly, Bob Ross is the Boss. If you haven't seen The Joy of Painting, then you just don't know. I swear I have never been so excited to watch someone paint on TV before.
Thirdly, I went out and bought some oil paints and canvases because I was so inspired by Bob. Haha! We will see if I can do something exciting with them. I have never painted with oils before, only acrylic. Actually, I don't think I have ever painted anything with structure-collages don't really count in my book. Oh, I have done paintings with watercolor, but that is extremely different.
Fourthly, if anyone has figured out how to balance school, work, family, friends, church, hobbies, their relationship with God, and keep their sanity; PLEASE let me know.
So many things...
Wow, sorry for this...but I am committed to posting...
^This would be the unpolished me^
Just keepin' it real, yo.
Ha.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Valentines Humor
Oh Olan, so true. (And to the fam, this is proof that someone else says "crayon" like I do.) :)
Dave Barnes classic.
More Dave Barnes goofiness.
Dave Barnes classic.
More Dave Barnes goofiness.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The-places-that-are-not-home
Life is about moving forward. Time goes in one direction and that is ahead. But sometimes we take moving forward to the extreme and have to constantly be looking for the next best thing. We do this in stages of life: when you are in High School you want to be in college, then in college you want to be married, then when you finally reach that *unreachable, idealistic, glorious, magical end* that is marriage you feel incomplete without a child. It just goes on and on. Having goals is great. But pushing and dreaming for the next best thing to the point where we forget to live and just be is unhealthy and even *gasp* sinful. I do this just as well as others. I am constantly in my own head, dreaming up my next big adventure and dredging up those dreadful "what ifs," but I go a step farther and do it with places.
I always have an idealistic city where I want to go and live independently, where I will accomplish all of my goals and meet all of my unrealized potential, and where I am never discontent with my city that I love as dear as a friend. I think that it will be this supernatural thing when I see my city for the first time. I will get there and see it and just know that I belong. Until I meet that magical place that I feel fits me so well, that makes me feel as comfortable and content as hot coffee on the coldest winter day, I feel like I am dating the places I live, and I suppose that makes the places I visit a weekend fling.
I have gone through many cites in my mind and I'm sure they will come back around and be the city of the moment again. But I think it has less to do with the actual city than with the person I want to be and am not now. When I dream about living in these cities I always think of being strong and independent, happy and friendly to all I cross paths with, being a maker and discoverer of beauty, and a person who finds the eternal value in everything she sees and finds joy in the small things. I could probably be that person and do those things just as well in Albuquerque, New Mexico as I could in New York City, Seattle, Chicago, or Los Angeles.
It's not that I hate the place I live now, or even dislike it. I do like a lot of things about good ol' ABQ, though it did take me awhile. Before I moved here with my dear family I had never lived anywhere else but the place we moved from. I spent the first 18 years of my life living in Norman, Oklahoma. It's the place I knew as home for a long time (and I think deserves a post in itself) and when we moved for the first time something must have broken in me, twisted just the right way to make it snap, to make me forever feel displaced. If we could move from Norman, we could move at any time to any place, so how can I put down roots if I don't know where I belong? Even through this feeling I have learned to like it here, learned to love people here, and let several people know me. Sometimes, though I just can't escape the feeling that there are more worlds to discover.
So, yes dreaming is good to a point and moving is good (depending on how you look at it), traveling is great, but there is something to be said for staying put and living where you are.
I think I need to rediscover my current city and be more intentional about looking for beauty in everyday life. After awhile, any place can become normal and mundane, and I'm sure that if I was able to move to New York tomorrow, after 16 months the rose-colored-glasses would come off and I would be looking for a new city to set my dreams on. If I change my mindset my life would follow. This won't happen immediately and I know myself enough to know that I can't really give myself ultimatums. I will still dream about other places and live vicariously through amazing people that get to see amazing things (Read this blog. Read all of it. Start from the beginning.). But I think that this is a small part of a life-long lesson for me. It's only a tiny part of being grateful and thankful for everything that is given to me.
Eventually maybe I will be able to get to the point of what Jim Elliot said: "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
I always have an idealistic city where I want to go and live independently, where I will accomplish all of my goals and meet all of my unrealized potential, and where I am never discontent with my city that I love as dear as a friend. I think that it will be this supernatural thing when I see my city for the first time. I will get there and see it and just know that I belong. Until I meet that magical place that I feel fits me so well, that makes me feel as comfortable and content as hot coffee on the coldest winter day, I feel like I am dating the places I live, and I suppose that makes the places I visit a weekend fling.
I have gone through many cites in my mind and I'm sure they will come back around and be the city of the moment again. But I think it has less to do with the actual city than with the person I want to be and am not now. When I dream about living in these cities I always think of being strong and independent, happy and friendly to all I cross paths with, being a maker and discoverer of beauty, and a person who finds the eternal value in everything she sees and finds joy in the small things. I could probably be that person and do those things just as well in Albuquerque, New Mexico as I could in New York City, Seattle, Chicago, or Los Angeles.
It's not that I hate the place I live now, or even dislike it. I do like a lot of things about good ol' ABQ, though it did take me awhile. Before I moved here with my dear family I had never lived anywhere else but the place we moved from. I spent the first 18 years of my life living in Norman, Oklahoma. It's the place I knew as home for a long time (and I think deserves a post in itself) and when we moved for the first time something must have broken in me, twisted just the right way to make it snap, to make me forever feel displaced. If we could move from Norman, we could move at any time to any place, so how can I put down roots if I don't know where I belong? Even through this feeling I have learned to like it here, learned to love people here, and let several people know me. Sometimes, though I just can't escape the feeling that there are more worlds to discover.
So, yes dreaming is good to a point and moving is good (depending on how you look at it), traveling is great, but there is something to be said for staying put and living where you are.
I think I need to rediscover my current city and be more intentional about looking for beauty in everyday life. After awhile, any place can become normal and mundane, and I'm sure that if I was able to move to New York tomorrow, after 16 months the rose-colored-glasses would come off and I would be looking for a new city to set my dreams on. If I change my mindset my life would follow. This won't happen immediately and I know myself enough to know that I can't really give myself ultimatums. I will still dream about other places and live vicariously through amazing people that get to see amazing things (Read this blog. Read all of it. Start from the beginning.). But I think that this is a small part of a life-long lesson for me. It's only a tiny part of being grateful and thankful for everything that is given to me.
Eventually maybe I will be able to get to the point of what Jim Elliot said: "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Slowing down to speed up again
It is nearly Christmas, which is crazy...It seems like this year has flown by faster than most. Of course I spent the first half of it being lost in a depressed stupor and then several more months to get back to "normal," whatever that is. But seriously I feel like I just blinked and eleven months flew by without me seeing much. I hear that it gets even more that way the older you get.
I was thinking about this last night while I was watching the meteor shower on the roof of my house. My siblings were with me for most of it, but there were several times when they had gone down to get something and took awhile to get back, so I had time for deep introspection. Shooting stars are amazing things. Some are brighter than others, some are slower than most, but they all last just a few seconds or less. If I wasn't looking at exactly the right spot or blinked I could miss the beginning of a brilliant shooting star and only catch it dying at the end. It was also very cold last night and every time I talked smoke would come out of my mouth and disappear into the night. By these things I was reminded that life is a vapor. We live and then we die.
So as I laughed at my sister's pure, childlike giddiness at each falling meteor and smiled as I and my brother had to remind her that we had neighbors who would not appreciate her exuberance, I cherished the moments. I cherished listening to Andrew Bell with my not-so-little baby brother, and listening to my brothers argue whether Professor X or Q (Star Trek: The Next Generation, for those of you that are less nerdy) would win in a battle if Prof X was given omniscience by some magical stone in the Marvel Universe, or who would win if they added their allies. I cherished bundling up in mountains of covers, and being sandwiched between my brothers to stay warm, and too-chocolatety hot chocolate in a thermos which lid wasn't screwed on right so I had to drink it with my lips right next to the handle.
After the craziness of this past semester, dealing badly with stress, trying to figure out where my life is going, and trying to find a place to fit by expanding my list of places I want to move to, it was good to slow down and just enjoy the time I have in the place I am now, with the people I love the most.
I was thinking about this last night while I was watching the meteor shower on the roof of my house. My siblings were with me for most of it, but there were several times when they had gone down to get something and took awhile to get back, so I had time for deep introspection. Shooting stars are amazing things. Some are brighter than others, some are slower than most, but they all last just a few seconds or less. If I wasn't looking at exactly the right spot or blinked I could miss the beginning of a brilliant shooting star and only catch it dying at the end. It was also very cold last night and every time I talked smoke would come out of my mouth and disappear into the night. By these things I was reminded that life is a vapor. We live and then we die.
So as I laughed at my sister's pure, childlike giddiness at each falling meteor and smiled as I and my brother had to remind her that we had neighbors who would not appreciate her exuberance, I cherished the moments. I cherished listening to Andrew Bell with my not-so-little baby brother, and listening to my brothers argue whether Professor X or Q (Star Trek: The Next Generation, for those of you that are less nerdy) would win in a battle if Prof X was given omniscience by some magical stone in the Marvel Universe, or who would win if they added their allies. I cherished bundling up in mountains of covers, and being sandwiched between my brothers to stay warm, and too-chocolatety hot chocolate in a thermos which lid wasn't screwed on right so I had to drink it with my lips right next to the handle.
After the craziness of this past semester, dealing badly with stress, trying to figure out where my life is going, and trying to find a place to fit by expanding my list of places I want to move to, it was good to slow down and just enjoy the time I have in the place I am now, with the people I love the most.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Complaining to the Moon
Little sliver of moon
outside my window pane
and out above the world
You see so much
while I see little
Your vantage point
is so much clearer
The sun that makes you shine
was hours ago
above this place of mine
But now belongs to vistas far away
that I hope to see someday
Only in this time
I am stuck in this place of mine
doing droll things
that have a deadline
-Katina Hembree
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Diverted Heart
I know this isn’t what you planned,
You’ve held your heart out in your hands
Waiting for someone to take a chance
On you
You’ve waited for so long
And have patiently been strung along
Wondering if it will come at all
For you
With so much love to give
A heart of gold and a heart to serve
Aching for someone to give yourself to
And for them to do the same with you
Oh dear, do not despair
For you won’t always tarry here
With lonely heart and aching soul
And searching for the perfect one
That seems to be the other half of you
There’s someone who’s being prepared
To be your number two
To fit with Christ
And fit with you
-Katina Hembree
-Katina Hembree
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Echos of a creative Creator
I shall propose my theory...
The things that make us happy, things that fill our hearts with joy till they are ready to burst, are the things that we were made for. We were each uniquely created with different talents and personalities to display those talents and each of those unique things are a reflection of the unique and magnificent God who created us. I am in Christ, but I still war against the flesh. My identity has changed and my heart made new, but sin still clings to this frail humanity of mine.
Working, and fighting, and struggling against the flesh is not a natural habit for me. I must learn to do battle against taking the easy road through life. My flesh wars against these things that I long to do, because these are the things that bring the most glory to God and give me the most joy in Him.
So, here's to throwing off encumbrances, running the race, and fighting the good fight; for the glory of he who created me and in whom my heart exalts.
And for me doing this means...
being a better student, in school and of the Word
singing
writing
drawing
seriously learning to play the guitar
turning my writings into songs I can play on my guitar
ministering to people I am around
being a part of the Church, locally and globally
being around children
learning to be a better cook
eating well
disciplining my body to LOVE exercise : /
This means not spending hours lost in random social media and unedifying television. Not that there isn't any value in these things, or that they can't be used well, I just have had more than my share of them in the past years and want to choose to do the BEST things and more valuable things. I want to learn to use various forms of media, but not be dependent on them.
I hope to become less "connected" and more developed in the coming years.
off to cultivate a lifetime of pursuits,
Katina ;)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Writing about writing
The problem with the blank page is not that I have a blank mind and empty thoughts, but that I have so many thoughts that I do not know where to begin. The drive to write something worthwhile and personal and maybe something relatively profound has filled my mind for the past week at least. So instead of picking one of the many subjects that have been running around in my mind like (insert clever simile here), I am once again writing about writing.
I suppose if I analyze my entire writing process for you, unnamed and perhaps non-existent reader, it would be telling and personal enough for now. Plus, I suppose that a deeper relationship where one shares their secrets and pains sometimes take time, so I will let my relationship with this blogging world develop slowly and share with you a bit of surface drivel with just a peek into the pool of my psyche for now.
As I have already said, I think and rethink before I ever put anything onto the page, testing words and sentences, seeing what works well and what I should discard, and then I lose all of it because I never write it down. There is this fear in me I think, that if I put my thoughts to paper, make them physical and real, then I will suddenly find myself out. It is so human to want to "find yourself," to want to know who you are really, beneath the person you think yourself as, and find if you are something more or are just as fearful and weak as you think you are, or worse, that you are more terrible than you have ever thought up to the particular point of self discovery.
I am discovering that this is exactly what happens when I write or draw or really work on learning guitar. I see myself in the mirror of my work (or complete non-work aka laziness) and am a bit afraid of what I see there. The truth be told, I really am more boring, terrible, and weak than I think I am and am still discovering how much so.
I am afraid of doing what I long to do because I am afraid of failure AND success. I am afraid of never being able to do something I love well and am afraid that I can do and be and succeed. Why is this I wonder? But for whatever reason, there lies the deeper question of "why in the world am I so afraid that my success or my failure hinges on me?" Whatever fears and insecurities I have and no matter how little I think of myself, I am still thinking myself great to put the weight of my future accomplishments all on me. If I really determine to be disciplined in writing, disciplined in art, and disciplined in music there is not an immediate log & cliff formed in the distance for me to trip over and then fall headlong into the chasm of the death of all my hopes and dreams.
I need to determine to be faithful with the gifts and talents that I have been given and know that if the Father wills to use them for His glory and my good they will flourish or fade as He desires.
Ha, in my second attempt at public writing I have put words to feelings I have had for years by intending to start with "surface drivel." Ha. God knew this would be good for me.
Also telling is my constant editing as I write. If you ask any experienced writer how to write well the great majority of them would tell you to write whatever comes to mind, to let every thought you have flow to your fingers and onto the page, unhindered by any condemning thought from yourself or thought of what others might think. I like to think that I am independent, that I don't need the approval of others, that I could (if I wished) live exactly how I want and say, "screw the world" if they disagree with my liberated life. Well, I have a more confidant view of myself than is actually true. As I write things that are revealing my thoughts and fears I am simultaneously fearing what others will think of these personal revelations of mine.
So, to finish with a flourish... The beginning and end of anything is the hardest for me. This is where drawing a blank usually comes in, in my writing. I remember in both my English Comp. 1 & 2 classes I would be writing furiously to finish my paper an hour before class was to start only to be stuck in the last fifteen minutes with my concluding paragraph. I would sit there tapping on the table, chewing my nail, and typing gibberish before I would finally get a mental breakthrough in the last eight minutes and then frantically type to the finish not having time to stop to proofread. All that reminiscing said, I still have not come up with a way to finish.
This is where I usually give myself a mental pep talk or change the music I am listening to, to give me more inspiration. If that doesn't work I start freaking out a little and begin to think in incomplete sentences. "I could say... What about... Dang it, why can't I..." on and on and on. Then comes the mental cursing if I am really frustrated... ok just mental cursing if I am the least bit frustrated.
This is where I give way to the lame, half-hearted sentences that I am not really fond of just so I can be done, even if it won't end the writing as gloriously as I would have liked.
Writing is a learning process and I am finding that the more I do it, the better I like it and hopefully I will improve as well.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Turning over a new leaf
Ah, the blank page. A blank page is worse or just as bad as a blank canvas. There are so many ideas swirling around, so many thoughts, jumping from one idea to the next, procrastination by indecision.
A blog is a funny thing. One places bits of the innermost thoughts of the mind and heart out into the void not knowing what will happen with the words that have flowed in the caverns of the spirit, to fingertips on keys, to a journal online.
This strange experiment I am endeavoring to begin again, hopefully with more maturity than in many years past when sometimes careless and vain words made their way onto these "pages". I am starting afresh. Why you ask? Well, I have recently been inspired by several friends who have done the same. Plus, I wish to improve my writing and this form will give me more accountability. Lastly, it has been something that has been pressing on my mind for quite awhile now and so much so that I would feel disobedient if I stalled any longer in writing it. I actually have a longer list of reasons why to not write a blog, but I shall save it for later and make this first post a short one so I don't start criticizing all that I have written so far and delete everything. Sigh.
Oh dear, so now I have really begun. I suppose I shall have to commit to it.
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