More than many sparrows

I love birds, well, most of them anyway. I started acquiring bird things a bit before we left, not that I want to start a creepy, hipster collection, but I just ended up with quite a few things. They remind me that God is good, he is a provider, and he is sovereign over my life. They remind me that God cares for me.

 Rebecca has two full walls of windows and lots of bird feeders outside both of them. It is so much fun to watch all the lovely birds from her room. It is just one of the little things about this place that make it so delightful.

  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

(Matthew 6:26-27 ESV)

  O LORD, how manifold are your works!

In wisdom have you made them all;

the earth is full of your creatures.

Here is the sea, great and wide,

which teems with creatures innumerable,

living things both small and great.

There go the ships,

and Leviathan, which you formed to play in it.

These all look to you,

to give them their food in due season.

When you give it to them, they gather it up;

when you open your hand, they are filled with good things.

When you hide your face, they are dismayed;

when you take away their breath, they die

and return to their dust.

When you send forth your Spirit, they are created,

and you renew the face of the ground.

(Psalm 104:24-30 ESV)

  Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.

(Luke 12:6-7 ESV)

  For every beast of the forest is mine,

the cattle on a thousand hills.

I know all the birds of the hills,

and all that moves in the field is mine.

(Psalm 50:10-11 ESV)

  Even the sparrow finds a home,

and the swallow a nest for herself,

where she may lay her young,

at your altars, O LORD of hosts,

my King and my God.

Blessed are those who dwell in your house,

ever singing your praise! Selah

(Psalm 84:3-4 ESV)

For a day in your courts is better

than a thousand elsewhere.

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God

than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

For the LORD God is a sun and shield;

the LORD bestows favor and honor.

No good thing does he withhold

from those who walk uprightly.

O LORD of hosts,

blessed is the one who trusts in you!

(Psalm 84:10-12 ESV)

And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

“Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

(Luke 12:22-34 ESV)

Losing more of myself

I have been working on editing photos and blogging about Brussels, but it might still be awhile. I have a couple drafts that I have worked on but just haven't had the time or mental capacity to finish them yet. It is hard sometimes to know what to do with my free time. I can choose to nap, read, watch something, write, go out, practice ukulele, or study French, but I usually end up trying to write or do something that does not require all of my mental concentration. I am pretty brain dead by 1:00 and studying French or practicing my uke get passed up for something less challenging.

It has been frustrating to bring my uke all the way here, but every time I try to practice it feels like beating my head against a brick wall. The progress I have made in learning notes and reading music goes out the window when I am so tired. I think I need to start taking power naps. I need the extra sleep, as I am only getting about six hours every night. I think I am slowly getting used to that, but my brain is definitely not at 100%.

Yesterday was a good and hard day. I said before that I had been struggling with my attitude last week and really having a hard time serving with joy. I was struggling alone all week because I did not want to show weakness and ask for help, or offend Rebecca. Yesterday though, she could tell I was not doing well and we talked about it. She said that it is a miracle for anyone to serve with joy, especially with the endless list of things we have to do around here and when she is stressed or cranky (her words). She said it has to be the Lord that gives me that attitude, because I cannot work it up myself.

I get really impatient with my own sanctification and this week, God has shown me a lot of pride and selfishness in my heart. I want to immediately eradicate it, so I start pushing for God to fix me in my prayers instead of submitting my struggles to Him in faith and peace. But often, my wanting to be rid of these sins is because I want to be perfect and appear righteous. I don't want to have any flaws, so I say to God, "sanctify me!" for my own vanity and esteem, not for the joy of letting him make me more like himself.

My heart is so deceitful, and even in wanting to be good, I have to mistrust it. My heart can only change and I can only grow by the Lord's grace and him moving in my heart by the circumstances he has placed me in and the power of his Word. The same power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the highest place above all powers is working in my heart to make me more like Christ (Ephesians 1). That is so encouraging.

I was in a funk for the rest of the afternoon after talking to Rebecca. It was good to get the things that were troubling me out of my system, but I always feel so exposed after having those kinds of conversations. I was also struggling with God, knowing that I have been asking to change and be sanctified, but also am getting so tired of it. I think I can almost feel myself being chipped away, as layer by layer my heart is exposed before the Lord and to those around me and I see all of my weaknesses. I am losing more of myself every day. In the unveiling of my sins, he is boring into my heart and making himself the most important thing. He is taking away all the things I might have confidence in and showing me that only he can fill up those places in my heart. Some part of me wants to grasp onto the things that he is exposing and not let go of them. I don't know if this is making any sense. :/

After Bible study yesterday (we have been going through Ephesians), Rebecca prayed that God would show me the lies that I have believed about God and about myself. And he did that in a major way. We had read Psalm 139 in Bible study, because of some connection to Ephesians 1, and the whole time I felt that I was not accepting his love for me. Maybe I just felt exposed yesterday, but I have had a tendency to push emotion away and become very detached and closed. I know that God loves the world and I know that he loves his children in an even more special way, but I have not believed that he has specifically loved me. I have not believed that I have worth in his eyes. I have not believed that I have any worth or future at all. I read Psalm 139 over and over again and I hope that as I pour through the Word and preach the truth to myself that God will change these things that I have believed. I don't know how to believe these things and I don't know what to do to change my heart, but he does. And I am glad.

I want to have confidence in his love and his delight in me. I want to not only believe greatly in his sovereignty and wisdom and his love for all; I want to believe it with all of my being for myself.

In the middle of sorting through all these things (and I admit my eyes were leaking quite a bit, er, I mean it was raining on my face), I fell asleep, and about ten minutes later, my sister came to wake me up because they needed me downstairs. I was quite cranky about being woken, but I was so glad she did.

We went downstairs to get Rebecca up in her chair so we could have dinner in the garden. Paul had built a fire and we roasted sausages over the fire while they told us stories.

They told us about the house next door, that really I am quite obsessed with (I will have to share what I remember sometime). They told us stories about their travels to the Congo: near death experiences, being under house arrest, getting Malaria (Paul said he has had it 13 times!), planting over 1100 churches, sharing Christ with soldiers that were probably planning to kill them, 16 hour rides through the jungle, and all of this in their first year of marriage. They told us how the Lord brought them together and told us stories about their children when they were young.

Their love for each other was so apparent and it is amazing where the Lord has brought them in over 40 years of marriage.

I am so thankful to be here in "spiritual boot camp" right now and am so thankful to glean from the richness of wisdom and knowledge and faith and grace and peace from these lovely people.

Grace upon grace upon grace

As I have probably said before, I am learning so much these days. So much about myself and my heart, my wants, desires, dreams, hopes for the future; and so much about the Lord; his Word, his heart towards me, and his promises.

I posted this link on facebook to a Desiring God blog the other day called "God Loves Good Wine." It talks about the difference between growing grapes for bulk, cheap wines and growing grapes for high quality wines. Basically, the grapes for high quality wines are grown in a more trying climate to make the grapes more rich and flavorful. The vines have to be stressed to produce really good fruit. I feel like that parallels my time here. Not that it is so horrible here. It is wonderful, but it is difficult. It is different. There is not a lot of rest. There is a lot of moving and a lot of serving. A lot of weariness, but there is much grace in the toil.

I feel like now that I have gotten used to the tasks a bit, that they have gotten easier in that I know more of what I need to do, but much, much, harder knowing that I have to do them all the time. I am having much more of a hard time being thankful for them and a much harder time resting in the Lord's grace for all of it. I asked the Lord today to teach me what it means to be his servant. To be his slave. Not that I feel like a slave, that would be a major exaggeration, but sometimes it is difficult for me to be constantly at someone else's disposal.  I am having to pray for the heart of a servant daily. When I am pleasant, or quick to do something on the outside, I am groaning on the inside and I don't want to be groaning.

I am learning what it means to lean on the Father strength. I am learning to submit my constant cares to Him. I am learning how much I still have to learn.

The themes the Father has been repeating to me have been the concept of being poured out, and only one thing being necessary. Basically, that my life is not my own and I am to be poured out as a blessing wherever God places me, and that I only need to focus on Jesus and knowing him in his Word and the other things will flow out of that.

That really only scratches the surface of things, but alas, my mind is already slipping away. I suppose that will do for now. :)

A typical(?) morning

Annie the extraordinaire has left us for the week to see family in France. It is a well deserved break for her, as she does most everything around here. She has been with the Petrie's for a long time and know's everything there is to know about the house and about Rebecca's care. So Kayla and I are mostly on our own this week, except for when Paul is around to help. Annie does most of the cooking, laundry, translating, and just all the little details that need to be taken care of, so Kayla and I both know that this week is going to be a hard one.

I hope that the rest of this week will go a bit smoother than this morning. Kayla and I have worked out the schedule where I do most of the morning duties and she does the evening stuff and the midnight turn. I think it is helping both of our bodies to have a better rhythm and better sleep. I think both of us already feel a little less exhausted.

This morning I got up around 6:30, I actually set my alarm for 5:55 so I could get a shower but I definitely shut that alarm up as soon as I heard it and decided it was not worth it. I went downstairs at 7:00 to do the morning duties with Paul, basically hygiene stuff and getting her in her chair. Paul left and I arranged her room, fed the birds, and got her breakfast and tea ready.  When I had all of that done I went back into the kitchen to make my breakfast. Thankfully I have learned to make my coffee while I make her tea or I would fall over before I get to eat. I will usually try to do something simple, like scrambled eggs and toast, but since I am trying not to eat as much bread I have been doing omelettes or fancy scrambled eggs, so it takes a bit longer. This morning, I was was running in and out of the kitchen and taking my skillet off the burner when I heard the buzzer (the thing we carry around with us in case Rebecca needs us).

When I finally was done with everything, I got to sit for about twenty minutes before getting Rebecca ready for KINE (physical therapy). When the lovely Donatienne (I'm not sure how to spell it), got here at 9:15 I ran up to get ready for the day. I'm pretty sure took a ten-fifteen minute shower (which, if you know me, is pretty amazing), got ready and ran down to get ready for the morning nurse. We had many mishaps with the poor morning nurse, so it took a bit longer than normal. After that we had to rush around to get Rebecca ready for the garden architect who was coming at 11:00. We got her out a bit late, around 11:10. While she and Paul were outside with the garden architect. I tried to get lots of dishes done. Last night, Kayla and I rinsed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher, but didn't start it because it wasn't a full load. We rinsed them so well that they looked clean and some of them got unloaded this morning, so I pulled lots of dishes out from the cupboard and washed most of them. It was almost time to get ready for lunch, so I was trying to hurry and I was getting a bit frantic, really, from running around all morning. While I was washing cups in the sink, praying for patience and joy, and a good attitude, the doorbell rang.

"What now!" I exclaimed.

It was the grocery delivery that I had forgotten about. So I had to go open the garage and find the card to pay the man, but I got the wrong card, forgot my "Je suis désolé. Je ne parle pas Français," and tried to look apologetic instead of frustrated. (Can I please just learn French by osmosis?) I finally had to get Paul from the garden to help me and went back inside ready to bang my head against a cabinet repeatedly.

Once that was dealt with and Paul was back in the garden, I just had to work out my frustration, so I put on some music on my computer and rocked out to FLAME (a christian rapper) in the kitchen while I was drying dishes. I felt really funny, blasting rap in the kitchen, and totally getting down while I was doing dishes in the kitchen where you can usually hear soft piano music playing. It seriously helped though.

 As soon as I saw them coming back up the path, I put on something a bit more mellow:

(which I enjoyed just as much. I love A Fine Frenzy)

I put everything out for lunch and was the last one to go sit down. Whew! It was a lovely lunch. Today we got to sit out on the deck for the first time this Spring. I look forward to many more meals out there. 

After cleaning up from lunch I ran upstairs to clean up a bit and put some lotion on my poor red and dry hands, went to the second floor to the family room where I have hung out a bit with my sister, in the room and on the deck, and am now writing this blog. I opened the deck door and the window across the room, so there is a nice cross-breeze and I have been listening to Bon Iver in one ear and the birds and the children playing in the other. It has been quite lovely. :) 

My feet (and whole body really) are tired and sore, but my soul is refreshed in this little bit of rest that I am having, enjoying my Saviour's gifts to me. Sunshine, fresh air, and lovely music. The birds remind me of his care and his grace. The wind is a cool kiss upon my face. And the music takes me to a place of rest and wonder. The second cup of coffee will give me the energy I need to get through the next four hours (hopefully).  Tonight we have guests coming and Kayla and I have to figure out what in the world to do for dinner. So here's to a lovely (and busy) rest of the day!

I totally made her pose for these. :)

I think she did well, don't you?

This is quickly becoming our favorite room in the house.

I hope you can see why. :)

Still considering a break-in. Seriously!! Just look at it!

About half a pot will get me through most of the day. 

I'm very thankful for my coffee

And delicious biscuits.

It is so easy to bless and thank the Lord in these times of rest. I SO need to improve in thanking the Lord when I am trying to get a hundred things done at once and so many things do not go as I planned. 

But in all of it there is grace. 

P.S. So sorry about all the un-editedness of these posts. I hardly have time to get it all out and by the time I have written there is either not any time to go back and polish it, or I am just to mentally tired out to do it. Hope you enjoy reading them anyway. :)

Foreign Experiences

Things have been pretty busy this past week, so I haven't had time to post as much as I would like. I'm trying to get all of this down so I don't forget anything.  I have a bit of time now, so I might have to do a few posts. :)


First, my day off.
My day off was right after Kayla's, so I went into it pretty exhausted. I got to sleep into 10:00, which was glorious. (Let me just say, I don't think I have ever appreciated sleep as much as I do right now.) I took my sweet time getting ready, partly just enjoying the time to do so and partly out of nervousness from the prospects of wandering around by myself. I ate a late lunch and tried to find somewhere in particular to go, but then decided I was stalling and decided to just walk out the door.


Once out of the house I let out a sigh, telling myself that it was not going to be as bad as I thought and telling myself, "Hey! You are in freaking Belgium, even if you don't see anything too exciting, it will still be in BELGIUM. So, just march young lady!" And I did march. For almost four hours and almost six miles.

I ended up walking around almost the entire village. Ooops. 

It wasn't as much fun as it would have been with someone else (ex. my sister), but it was great to get some exercise and see more of the area. I feel a little crazy though, when I am out and about by myself. I mutter to myself a lot when I don't have someone to talk to and feel super conspicuous. I think even more so here, because I don't speak the language. The longest phrase I have learned thus far is "Je suis désolé. Je ne parle pas français." Which means "I'm sorry, I don't speak French." (I just had to google how to spell it, by the way.) Even simpler things, like Merci, and Bonjour, just polite little phrases like that are not sticking well, because when I am in a situation to say them I think of the Spanish words first. And I hardly know any Spanish. Ridiculousness. Stupide américain! (or estúpido americano...) 

Anyhoo, I walked in one direction, knowing generally which direction I was going, but then ended up at a traffic circle with so many choices of where to go, I just decided go to the Genval Cimetière because there was a sign for it and between the word and the tiny symbol by it, I knew what it meant. (And that has great value these days. Knowing the meaning of words, that is.)

So you are about to be assaulted with pictures of a Belgian Cemetery, because really, if you end up in a Cemetery in a foreign country, you might as well document the experience, right? 

I suppose it was quite different than any cemetery I have ever seen before, so that's something...

Next, I went round the cemetery and found a lovely wall, so naturally I took a rest in the shade and snapped a few pictures of myself leaning wistfully against said wall, as people are usually inclined to do.

  After those melancholy and stationary photos, of course I needed a happy walking picture, so here it is:

Happy AND walking. What a combination. 

 Even Belgium has dumpy looking places.

 The rare, hot sunshine.

 Entrance to the cemetery. I had to double back to go towards home again. 

 A lovely home that I liked on my walk.

I walked down a random dirt path and found this lovely field (below). 

Not sure where I am at this point

 After I came out from this dirt road, I knew generally where I was and it was quite far from where I had started. I saw a grocery store, so I went in to look around and get something to eat as I was quite hungry by that point. It was probably the low point of my expedition. I walked around the whole time feeling like someone was going to find out that I was not a native and scorn me or something, and I hadn't done anything super stupid yet, so I was just waiting for that moment to happen.


When I gathered all my goodies and plucked up the courage to get in line I felt increasingly conspicuous as I heard all the French around me. I put my basket in the wrong place and a man said something to me and placed it in the right spot, in a stack of baskets right in front of my feet. I had picked the wrong grocery bag and the lady at the register tried to explain this to me. I don't know why I don't immediately say that I can't speak French instead of standing there looking dumb and trying to figure out what people are saying, as if it will magically start translating in my brain. I finally got it and loudly exclaimed, "oh, OH!" like the loud American that I am. After realizing how loud and dumb I just sounded, my flustered factor greatly increased and as soon I was done with my transaction, after saying my "merci's" of course, I booked it out of the closest door. As it happens, they were the wrong doors, which I figured out as soon as I stepped down the odd step and swung the door back behind me, all while moving out as quick as I could, so I didn't notice until several long strides away that it was not and automatic door, it did not shut all the way, and it was most likely the door they open for loading and unloading. When I was about a third of the parking lot away, someone shouted out something in French and closed the door emphatically. Oh, dear. I suppose it could have been worse.


I kept walking and found the little path that my sister and I had discovered on our first walk out, so I sat down to enjoy my awkwardly bought spoils. I got a baguette and some lunch meat for a good snack and some Belgian Wafels for a treat.

 Wafels. Yum.

Walking past the Schweppes factory 

Wondering if I'll ever make it home

Thankful for a familiar sight!

Relaxing by the Lac 

The best chocolate I've ever had in my life. 

This is the house next door. It is vacant and falling apart. I have wanted to brake in and look through the house and feel like Nancy Drew every time I see it. 

So, that was my day. Despite all the mishaps I really did enjoy it. Especially since we ended the evening with Downton Abbey!!!!